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Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

I just said my goodbyes to my grandfather, Jimbo, one last time.
I told him I loved him.
That I miss him.
That I'll make him proud.
And God fucking dammit I'm going to make him proud. I've said this what seems like a million times, but I will reach the top of the fucking world and he will be up there, somewhere, smiling at me.
I'll be at the top, thinking only of him.
I love you Jimbo. You're my hero, and you always will be.
You can never begin to comprehend how much I'm going to miss you.
Everything about you.
I wish I had a little more time with you, the ability to hug you one last time, but I doubt that'll happen.
I love you.
So, so much.
So long and goodnight.

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I made a thing

I've gotten into the real killjoy spirit of things.
With everything going on with my Jimbo, I'm trying to stay positive. It's going to be hard when he's actually gone, so fucking hard, but I'm going to try my best to stay happy. To keep running.
To stay dirty.
Stay dangerous.
I'm gonna make him proud. I'm going to be on top of the fucking world where no one can stop me, and he'll be watching from up above, and I'll be smiling thinking of only him.

You sometimes don't realize exactly how much you're going to miss someone until they're one step away from being gone. When it comes to that point, all you can do is keep running and make them proud.
Do it now, and do it loud.
Killjoys, make some noise.

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I really regret my letter T______T

When Gerard Way gave out his P.O. Box address, it's an understatement to say that I flipped out.
I totally freaked.
He's one of my biggest musical/performance heroes and one of my biggest inspirations, so to be able to send him a letter (that he promised he would read) I got a little excited.
I wrote it in one night (and it took about two hours) and I sent it the next day, fine and dandy.
Only now, I regret it.
Looking back on it, all I see in that letter is whining. A desperate flurry of words that were spewed onto paper in a rush, a list of everything bad that's happened to me, a fucking pity letter (even though I didn't write the letter trying to make him pity me. My letter just sounds that way, oh dear god.)
So now I regret it.
A WHOOOOLE fucking lot.
Why.
Why did I send that.
Why didn't I just WAIT and THINK IT THROUGH.
RAAWWWWGJSAFLESAJF

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Everyone else is waiting for it to end. I'm waiting for a miracle.

It's official.
My mom is trying to find tickets out of our city as soon as possible, today if she's lucky.
All their left to say is their goodbyes to my grandpa.
I never get to tell him goodbye in person, I doubt I'll even get to say it on the phone.
I never get to hug him one last time, smell the scent of cigarettes and mountain air, warmth and wind that he always carries around.
I'll never get to laugh with him again, that weezing, raspy laugh that was loud and contagious. That made me smile no matter how down I was.
I'll never get to hear him call me "Mimi the superstar" or call me "THE Mimi Ottavi" or his simple nickname, baby, ever again.
I'll never get to say I'm sorry for not writing enough or calling him enough or seeing him enough, because God knows I wish I had seen him or talked to him every fucking day.
I need more time. Please, a little more time. Just to see him again. Just to BE WITH HIM again.

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Well, isn't that wonderful...

So this week for spring break I was supposed to go down to Florida to visit my very sick grandma and a couple of my cousins who I'm really close to.
Then today, all of a sudden, my mom got a call from my aunt saying that my grandpa Jimbo, who's my hero and who is very VERY dear to me, is not doing very well and that my mom should probably come say her goodbyes.
I don't...I can't even....
I don't want to accept it. I don't think I AM accepting it. My mind's kind of rejecting the idea that in about a week or so my grandpa, MY JIMBO, could be dead.
He's the one who's always been there for me, supported me in everything I've ever done, fucking BELIEVED in me through everything. He could always make me smile no matter how sad I was at the time, and he could always give me a confidence boost when needed.
Jimbo is my hero, because after all the shit he's been through, all the struggle, he still made a life for himself.

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Felt the extreme need to post this song

Such a beautiful song. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again:
HE'S SO FUCKING GOOD LIVE.

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I sent my letter to Gerard Way today...

Ten. Fucking. Pages.
Small writing, five pages of loose leaf filled front and back.
I know he is going to read everything he is sent, and I feel kind of bad. I'm most likely going to bore him a hellofalot by giving him my entire fucking life story T______T
I know it's in vain, too, that I wish he'd reply. I don't really see how he'd have the time, and I doubt he'd even WANT to talk to a 14 year old weirdo who lives in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE T______T but honestly? If he replied, I'd probably have a heart attack, die, come back to life just to frame the letter, and then have a seizure. Because HOLY SHIT MY MUSICAL HERO KNOWS I FUCKING EXIST.
But yeah.
Prrrooooobably not gonna happen.
Oh well. Carry on <3

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Learning to play guitar

I'm in the process of self teaching myself guitar. It's pretty fun, getting to experiment with my two (really cheap) guitars that I own (an Ibanez Gio and old acoustic from about four years ago.) But I just need to find a way to get my feet on the ground. I really want to learn how to read tabs, and in all honesty, they're pretty damn self explanatory. But if anyone could message me that'd be great, because I do have a few questions :P So if you think you can help me out please do. I really want to learn.

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I Think I'm getting better

I think I'm starting to cope a little bit more with the disbandment of MCR. I felt much more at peace with it when Gerard tweeted his whole story and point of view on things, and in all honesty, I think they made the right decision. If Gerard, maybe even the rest of the band, felt that they were acting on stage, like they weren't really enjoying it, that it was forced, shouldn't we want what's best for their happiness and let them go?
Obviously, though, MCR will never die. Like Gerard said: My Chemical Romance is not a band, it's an idea. It is a creation that has affected every single one of us, that has helped us through so much, that has made itself a part of our hearts and minds. Their music keeps us going, their message keeps us strong. The MCRmy is a strong community, made even stronger by the disbandment, because it gives us more of a reason to be there for each other.

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We're just getting started, motorbabies.

"My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die. It is alive in me, in the guys, and it is alive inside all of you. I always knew that, and I think you did too. Because it is not a band - it is an idea."

My Chemical Romance will never die. Like Gerard said, it is an idea. It is a system. It is a creation that has been shared with hundreds of thousands of millions of people, and it's become a part of them in the process of discovering this creation.
This band was important to all of us. Every single one of us. Some of us were just drive by fans, where we'd listen to their music every other day, say they were pretty good, and watched a music video of theirs now and then. Others (like me) were die hards. We know every single lyric to every single song, we listen to their albums on repeat when we feel sad, we watch interviews in hope that something knew will come about or just to cheer ourselves up by watching our heroes talk about their experiences.