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I gave her a stargazer

So, for Valentines Day, I gave Taylor a flower. Her favorite, a stargazer lily. She was in jazz band this morning, so I couldn't give it to her personally, by just handing it to her, but I left it in her locker and watched her open her locker and see the flower. She absolutely FREAKED OUT. It was awesome :) It was a kind of sorry-for-confusing-the-shit-out-of-both-of-us-i'm-sorry-i-love-you-you're-my-best-friend-happy-valentines day flower :P It made her really happy, and I'm glad :)
She's not my girlfriend. Things are still really confusing. We both have feelings for each other, that's for sure, but she likes other people, too, and I'm just confused in general. She's my best friend, though, and I'll always love her. I'll be there for her no matter what happens :)
We're forever alone together this valentines day :)
Happy Valentines Killjoys! I love you all <3

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I've fallen in love with cross dressing and drag queens (and the like)

Okay, I have no clue where this started. I think I read a short story about cross dressing, and I looked it up and I came across the amazing, wonderful: Porcelain. I think his real name is Ian, but his stage name (which I mentioned a couple words ago) is Porcelain, and he is AMAZING. The makeup, the stage presence, the hair and outfits, the PERSONALITY. Everything.

Now lets switch gears here. My cousin Joseph has done drag before. Heck, he wore stiletto, thigh-high boots for Halloween. He kind of introduced me to the idea, I guess. I started doing more research on it, and HOLY SHIT FJKDLASISEF. Now, I've made it one of my missions to try drag. Yes, it's possible for girls to wear drag. I've worn boys clothes a lot before, but I've never gone the 'full mile' if you know what I mean. I really want to try it. I've always thought about what I'd be like if I were a boy before, in appearance and personality.

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This week is just gonna suck.

I found out yesterday that it's official. My grandpa, Jimbo, probably isn't going to stay alive much longer. My mom said he probably wouldn't recover from this. They don't know how much longer he'll be around. Weeks, months, a year, who knows. It hurts. A lot. Jimbo is my grandfather and one of the people I love most in this world. He's always been there for me, and in all honesty he's helped me more than my actual dad has when I'm in need for parental assistance. I love him so much, and if I miss him already, how much am I going to miss him when he's literally not here anymore? I don't want him to go. He's across the fucking country right now and I'm not going to even get to hug him one last time. Tell him I love him in person. Tell him I'll miss him. I don't want him to go, I can't let him go. No one in my family, no one I've ever been close to has ever died before. I have never experienced death in any way firsthand.

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People suck. Especially the fucktastic people at my school.

There are some serious fuckwads at my school. Seriously, what did we ever do to deserve all the shit they give us? Me, Taylor, and two of my other friends were just sitting at our table at lunch talking and eating and doing random shit today when these sophomore guys come over and they try to take our seats. We were out of them for about 2 seconds, grabbing something from the lunch line. I immediately recognized the guys as the douchebags who've given me a seriously hard time before and they go, really fucking sarcastically, 'oh, can we sit here?' Me and my other friend just reply 'No. Go away.' and they start laughing and get up and go to the table right next to ours. The rest of lunch they all called my name. Chanted it. YELLED OUT THE FUCKING SPELLING. They laughed at me, so much. And then Taylor, o fuck that girl is amazing, just turns around and yells: FUCK OFF! At them and of course, they just laugh it up. I'm not good at standing up for myself.

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To Frank Iero and his family...

I just read Frank Iero's new post on his website, in the end, and even though he or his family will never read this, I'm sorry. I don't know how hard it is to lose someone, because none of my close family members or friends have died yet. You and Mrs. Iero are older than me, and you've obviously had a lot more experience with death than me, unfortunately, so I won't say: I know how you feel, because I really don't. But I can say I'm sorry.
I'm not saying sorry because it's just the right thing to say, or because I think in some cosmic way that it's my fault, I'm sorry that it hurts, and I'm sorry that someone you loved, no, LOVE, is gone.

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La Mia Famiglia

I've always been really interested in my heritage and family history. I've always found it EXTREMELY interesting and awesome what I can dig up about my ancestors and past family members, especially when its really unrealistic stuff. For instance: just a few minutes ago I found a source that said that a man that had a variation of my last name, who I could possibly be related to, ended up being Pope Leo XI (who's real name is Alessandro OTTAVIANO de' Medici.) So that's a little out there. xP

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An Almost Marie Antionette, the first poem/song thing I've written in 3 months.

Okay, I haven't written anything: a song, poem, short story, ANYTHING in three months. It has been driving me mad. Writing used to be the only way I could find release from stress or sadness for me for a long time, but for the past few months, I just couldn't write. At all. I don't know why, maybe it was lack of inspiration. I'm not sure. But yesterday, I wrote for the first time in 3 months, and it felt awesome. We're learning about the French Revolution in World History, my favorite topic in history EVER, and we started talking about Marie Antionette (who I'm extremely intrigued by) and this came out of my head. Its not that good, I was never great at writing, but...yeah...tell me how you like it, I guess. It kinda sucks but....yeah. blaaah. I'm stalling. Okay. Here it is:

We can be royal together
Stuff ourselves to the brim with the luxuries of being infinite
And we could leak silent guilt to the crowds of demolished soldiers

I know that they'll never see this, and they probably don't give two shits about a random girl from a small ass town in the Midwest, but I just need to share this. I love My Chemical Romance. I love them for their music, their message, their goal to help people. I love how they give people who seem like hopeless cases the strength to carry on in their lives, all because of some heartfelt melodies and lyrics that were carefully picked straight from the soul. I love how they can make me cry by just listening to a song because it relates to me in that perfect way, and it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I love how I can look up to them because they are strong, respectable, passionate, amazing men who accept who they are and love what they do. I love them because I can be proud when I say: I am a member of the MCRmy, and the band My Chemical Romance has made a difference in my life.

Well...I just thought I'd share a little more of my photography. I know that its kinda crappy but some people commented and said they liked them so I thought: okay, well....why the fuck not? I just wanted to get rid of the urge to post them on here so...there they are. You guys don't have to comment or anything, just wanted to throw these out there. yeah...I'm rambling, I'm sorry...bye :/

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Show choir competitions that turn me into a zombie

First of all: I'm in show choir. I know, I know, laugh it up, call me a loser, whatever, but its fun and amazing and I love doing anything that has to do with performing. Yesterday, we had our first competition. It was in a different city, about 2 hours away, and I had to wake up at 4 in the morning on Saturday to go to my high school and get on the bus. We got to the other school where the competition was being held and my team got ready and blah blah blah, and then we performed (and it was amazing and tiring and scary and awesome.) We had to stay there the whole day to support varsity and watch our competitors, though most of us just stayed in the preparation room and talked and ate junk food xP