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Self-loathing may be quaint, but it's deserved.

I fucked up. I fucked up bad. And I keep making it worse. I don't deserve to die. I deserve something more painful. I deserve to burn in hell. I deserve to be covered in a million tiny cuts and dipped in sulfuric acid. But I have to pretend I don't, because I can't lose him....

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On top of that...

On top of my last complaint blog, My mom tried to use my cat a bait/a bribe to get me to stay with her and her pedo husband for a while. D: FML

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Ouch. Betrayal hurts.

Craig Ellis is my dad. Pixie Ellisium is me. That is the last thing I have heard from him in a week. He has not responded to my texts, and he has unfriended me on facebook

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Well, Shit

Going to see my mom in 6 days. Well, 5? Sometime next week. I'm excited. I haven't seen her since July, after having lived with her since I was 6. (now 18). I had to leave, or I would have died, but everything is so strange, out in the world without her. I can't call her for fear of HIM answering instead.

I'm excited. But scared. I love my mom, and I miss her. But seeing her is going to hurt like hell, knowing that she chose him over me. Knowing HE was the reason I was leaving, she let me go, and moved into a new place with HIM. I can't even have the address to write to her. Sitting here, leaking from my treacherous eyes. I don't know what to do...

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Wonder of the Day

Amazing how those you love and trust the most are also those who tend to hurt you the most. Mom. Sister. Now YOU... Maybe you will realize you are being dumb and being an asshole. Or maybe I'm the one being a bitch. Or maybe we really aren't supposed to get along. I don't know. Maybe we will create our own heaven, or maybe I will see you in hell.

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Lol english

My native language is so fucked up. Lol. I told someone from another country (Hi, SLB!) that I tried a version of a drink native to her home, and that I thought it was "The shit". She took it to mean that I didn't like it. So I had to explain the difference between "This is shit" and "This is the shit" and I realized just how confusing english is.

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No longer Lil Toro. I cut it all gone.

Sooo... do i look like a guy or what? lmao

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Good-Bye Hurts, But...

Good-bye hurts, but it's what follows that kills.
It leads me to the emptiness with which my heart fills.
I spread my wings and I took flight,
But we both sit worlds apart, wondering if it was right.

Good-bye hurts, but it the after that catches the tears.
Crying, curled up in the dark, finally alone with your fears.
You seem happy, though I know you say you miss me.
If I came back, I wonder, could you stomach it to kiss me?

Good-bye hurts, but it's the memory that hollows your chest,
Chews at you stomach, burns in your mind, and spits out all the rest.
I miss you, but I continue to fake a joy not always there,
Because I know that despite the distance and pain, you care.

Good-bye hurts, but it's the empty silence that comtinues to smother.
A choking, clogging, desperate need for my mother.
I wanted freedom, safety, and things I don't yet understand.
I wanted, above all, to be more important than an evil man.

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A comparison...

The progression of my hair. July, August, and today

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Pretty awesome...

So yesterday was my dad's birthday, and he was having a party, so I went. And I brought the boyfriend. Bf was freaking out for the whole two hour drive, worried my family was going to hate him, blah blah blah. We get to the party, and he can't remember ever laughing so much. My dad called today and told me that if me and Bf don't work out, me and Daddy have to trade out or something. (He was joking, of course. Just his way of saying he approves) He was the first of my bf's to ever meet my dad, and it went really well, the whole family accepted him so fast. If only my headache/stomachache/sore throat/ stuffy nose would go away, today would be a fantastic day.