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I just.... I don't know anymore. Since my girlfriend dumped me a couple of weeks ago, neither she nor our friend Antichrist Angel have talked to me... they don't even acknowledge me. And when they do, AA seems to give me dirty looks...
I'm losing everything. I'm losing myself and everyone I care about. Yesterday my own mother threatened to kick me out cause she thought that I was skipping school. And I'm only 14!
Then today I was being picked I keep BEING picked on. But they wouldn't leave me the fuck alone during lunch. It only made everything so much worse. And then there's the fact that I admitted to one of my friends that a... certain thought has been weighing quite heavily on my mind for the past week (although it's been in my head for quite a while now), and that the more I think of it the more I consider it, and it doesn't even scare me anymore. It's become such a natural thought in my head. And the fact that I've developed insomnia again doesn't help matters.

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The Mighty Grim Reaper (Is Sick Of Her Job)

Being grounded is so much fun (note the sarcasm). But on the bright side, my mother was kind enough to let me keep my guitar, so I've been working on Welcome To The Black Parade. It's going well. I can't play all of the fancy shit, but it DOES sound like the song, even if I'm faking it at parts.
And, I also started writing my very first song. I call it The Mighty Grim Reaper (Is Sick Of Her Job), and it's about the Reaper sending souls to hell, and in the second verse she's had enough. I have the basic guitar work all laid out, I just need to work the lyrics out the rest of the way. I also got an idea for another song... I wanna call it Letters To Romeo, and dedicate it to the guy I have a crush on, but I don't want to turn into some shitty pop person (although there ARE some Pop people that rock, like Lily Allen for instance). Point is, I want to make it a cool love-like rock song... I just need to figure out how.

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Well... this sucks

I got grounded for all of eternity.... Fantastic.

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House Of Wolves

First, look at that amazing picture I did. You have to flip it sideways, but it's pretty good, I think.
Secondly... well... my girlfriend and I are no longer dating. We haven't been since Friday. And we were grouped for a project in choir.... which we haven't done because she won't talk to me...
I've been okay, I suppose. I'm trying to keep from having panic attacks... I mean, having them is inevitable. But I'm trying not to think, cause thinking leads me to thinking of bad shit, which is what triggers the attacks... most of the time. Other times I have them for no reason. Point is, I'm trying to limit the amount of attacks that I have.

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I hate me

I hate myself and everything I am. Everything I represent. Anything I've done, I hate me for. I fuck up everything around me. Last night for example.
For starters, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was so fucking crushed. But at the same time, I was tired of being ignored. And not only this, but there's a guy from my school, Noah. The other day he noticed that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. Anyway, so yesterday I was talking to him, and something I said came out wrong and he got upset. I apologized, and he forgave me, but I still feel like I fucked up... again. I felt bad for the rest of the night, and it took a bit to fall asleep after he had to go because I'm SO FUCKING STUPID.

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Lying Only Gets You So Far

Liars live everywhere
Under bridges and in our homes
They're the demons running behind my eyes
Fangs dripping with glee as they nibble my soul away
Blackened pits wide as they stare me down.
Liars are everywhere.

Traitors live in everything
In relationships
And countries
And in families
Traitors live with the demons in my head
And together they have tea parties
And laugh at my stupidity

They only continue to grow with each new promise,
The liars and traitors both.
"Please talk to me"
"I'll never leave you alone"
They're all fucking lies.
I'm sick of the deceit
I'm sick of the lies I've been told
I'm sick of the false hope I've been given

I can see new demons appearing every day
My head is becoming crowded
Because all of the traitors
And all of the liars
Just can't fucking leave me alone.
But I won't let you become the next demon
I won't let you betray me,
And abandon me
Because I won't even trust you to begin with

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My Heart Lives In A Jar

My heart has fallen out,
The gap refilled with broken gears and rusted springs
Working in sporadic time to the clocks they used to belong to
But moving at different times,
Grinding together to make an awful screeching sound
Worse than birds screaming
I think I need my parts replaced
And yet the heart still beats,
It's new chest in a jar
Filled to the brim with sadness
And blood
And regret....

My heart has fallen out
And now the gears have, too
And slowly the gaping hole is stretching,
A mass of black goo
And arteries
And shit that I'll never undo
No matter how badly I wish to take it all back

So now it just sits,
The hole in my chest slowly yawning in time to my mouth
Slowly closing around the little glass jar,
Now dusted with age
But the heart still beats on
And it's finally going back home,
Into the thickened abyss of my chest.

-Chemical Insanity

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Why do I always fuck things up?

Today in Marine Biology, I had an anxiety attack. I don't know why... I just did. And also, my mom just lost her job today. Fun shit -_-
And.... I'm not really sure what's up with my girlfriend and I. Saturday she asked for a break, and then I tried negotiating last night and.... I don't know. I can't be without her. I just fucking can't. But I'm always fucking everything up. And with all of her shit going on... she can't help me. And I just feel so alone sometimes. And I think too much. And then she becomes the victim of my over active mind.
She keeps shutting me out, and won't let me help her... This morning she wouldn't even look at me.
We talked today. And I just fucked things up... again. I always say too much. And I keep hurting her EVERY FUCKING TIME because I just... don't know when to shut up. I'm so confused. And when I'm not confused, I'm numb. I can't feel a fucking thing. And I don't know what to do anymore...

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Shit's bananas when you're disinterested

Well, time to recap on the day's events.
So... my entire body hurts like a son of a bitch now because of yoga. We had an assembly. I got called a whore in choir, and then people kept picking on me. And I burst into tears. Fun shit
Oh, yeah. There was a bomb threat at my school today. I am ashamed of what the world has come to.
So yeah, if you see on the news something about a Mount Vernon High School bomb threat.... that's us. Yep.
Imma go now, reflect on life. All in all, my plans of Draduloid killing failed. But I didn't get dusted, so that's something.
Yep... fucking hell.


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It's time to kill some Dracs

Firstly, check out this awesome picture sidtastic007 made for me. Isn't it gorgeous? I love it! Thank you, Nik.
Anyway, today is Friday... which is a school day... and the last day of the week to make a statement before I'm gone for the weekend.
Well, I've come to realize that my school is full of Draculoids. They're fucking everywhere. And of course, I AM a Killjoy, aren't I?
It's time to go out there and go kill some Draculoids.
(I meant this as a figure of speech. I'm not actually going to hurt anyone... maybe)