Chemical_Insanity's blog

Dear my ex girlfriend,

I can't say I hate you. On the contrary, a part of me is still in love with you. I think that part of me will always be in love with you. You decided to break up with me over email, though, and so a lot of me still hurts over that.

I thought we were going okay, honestly. I mean, we might have had arguments here and there, but we always made up at the end of the night... almost. There were nights I dug too deep, or I was just too tired of your shit.

I trusted you with my life, you know. I told you everything. I told you what happened each day. I told you how I felt. I even told you about my suicidal thoughts. That last part? The only thing you told me was that I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide. You didn't tell me not to do it. When I asked for reason to stay alive, you didn't give me any. But this was also after we broke up...

We broke up because you decided that you had stopped loving and caring about me....

Dear my personal biology,

Seriously? Fuck you! I've had enough of your fucking bullshit. And it's not like I can make you magically disappear, though don't I wish I could...

I hate the fact that I've gone from A anxiety/panic attack a week, to three in a fucking day. Yo, body, what the fuck? What have I done to you to make you hate me so much? I mean, yeah, okay, I have starved myself before. But that was only for a couple of days. And yeah, I have hurt myself, but that was BECAUSE OF YOU.

Dear friends, readers, and those of you who frankly don't give a fuck.

If you've noticed, I've been writing letters every night for the past few days. It started with a letter to my mother, for something she said to me that really hurt. And then I realized that I have too many demons to count. And so, I've started writing letters to them individually, just hoping to get them out of my head and into a format where I can actually conquer them. It's the latest in my self-help methods, and I'm trying to do it for my benefit. I'm hoping I can get better this way. I doubt it, but I'll never know until I try, right? I'm hoping it'll give people less to worry about... And less to deal with. Maybe I can narrow my demons down to a favorable size... I don't know.

So yeah... that's the reason for the letters lately. And there's going to be a lot more of them, including one I'm going to write tonight.

Anywho. Thanks for reading. And if you skimmed over... oh well...

With love

Dear me,

Why can't you be pretty? Why can't you be funny and daring and not afraid? Why do you have to be so worthless? Everybody is right, you know. You are nothing.

You keep talking about suicide... why do you keep bringing it up if you can't actually do it? It's because you're too scared to, isn't it?

I hate you. I hate everything about you, what you stand for. All of it. You can't write a poem for shit. You can't write anything for shit. And as I guide your fingers in writing this, I keep telling you over and over again how worthless you are. How ugly you are. How much a burden you are to everyone. Why can't you just give up already?

Dear me,

Why can't you be pretty? Why can't you be funny and daring and not afraid? Why do you have to be so worthless? Everybody is right, you know. You are nothing.

You keep talking about suicide... why do you keep bringing it up if you can't actually do it? It's because you're too scared to, isn't it?

I hate you. I hate everything about you, what you stand for. All of it. You can't write a poem for shit. You can't write anything for shit. And as I guide your fingers in writing this, I keep telling you over and over again how worthless you are. How ugly you are. How much a burden you are to everyone. Why can't you just give up already?

Dear Voldemort,

Haha, no, I'm just kidding, though you both do share a common nickname, He Who Must Not Be Named. I won't give your name away. You probably haven't remembered your password to here yet, so I think I'm safe. And even if you read this, I doubt you'll know it's you.

The day we met was the day some crazy motherfucker decided to set a garbage can on fire. We ended up having 10 minutes of lunch together. I learned that you love Johnny Depp, and My Chemical Romance, and The Watchmen. The next day, I had just gotten out of a panic attack when you saw me, and you were instantly concerned. I don't blame you. I was touchy and on edge, and I didn't have any strength or will to put my defenses up. I'm kind of glad I didn't. You gave me your number and I divulged my story to you, cause I had nothing to lose, so I figured, 'Why not?'

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you. I'm sorry that I can't be the perfect, ideal middle child. I'm sorry that everything I do looks like a failure to you. I'm sorry... for everything.

I know I'm not like my older sisters, who are pretty and perfect and were good as children. I'm rotten. I'm a liar. I've let you down so many times. But when you ask me where this behavior came from, you know what I want to say? It was you.

It was you, who technically cheated on my father when he was deployed. It was you who made me have to live without him 300+ days of the year. It was you who told me at just 11 years old that I had ruined your life. More than that. You said I had ruined your life ever since I was born. Do you know how that felt? No, of course not.

Today I ran a mile... and it hurt. A lot. And the limit was doing so was 12 minutes. I did it in 14... Which means I didn't meet the requirement... which means I failed.... which means the running, almost passing out, the burning in my lungs when I tried to breath afterwards (and because I have asthma it was only so much worse), and headache were all for nothing. Fucking hell. But I did it. That’s all that counts. It’s one of those hollow victories that makes you want to face-slam the ground really hard, if only it was worth the effort.

In little feverent gasps I whisper prayers
And hope the snake will disappear soon
Because atop my chest it ate away at me
And no one helped as I writhed in agony
And screamed again and again.
It nibbles at the edges of my thoughts,
Slowly driving me mad with rage
As I toss and turn and plot and cry
And wish for a cure
Or a way to die
And to the skies I do shout out
"Itai, itai!"

-Chemical Insanity

*Itai (loosely) means in Japanese "It hurts"

We hit the edge and we took a leap
And now things have fallen apart so damn fast
Because it takes only seconds to destroy
What time built up to make
And so we eroded away
And we ground ourselves up tight
And labeled ourselves stupid,
And all the while my skin melted off
And your smile began to fade
And my eyes began to glaze over
But that doesn't matter
It was the fact that we were lying to ourselves

So here's one for my empty chest
The bones white and closely knit
To take the place of what you stole,
Because I don't think you'll give it back
Here's to the nights I wasted away just for you
Because they were all for nothing
Even the nights that I saved you,
Or so you say,
Because I really just fuck up everything.
Here's to dates you broke
And lies we told
And the "I'm fine"s and "Talk to me"s...

...I miss you,
But I'm glad we saw an end
Because we would have gone on forever otherwise
So now it's time my skeletal heart and I take a bow