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I got mad skills....(not)

I have a bruise straight up from my wrist to the middle of the palm of my hand from diving to save the volleyball. How the fuck does somebody bruise the palm of their hand? I also had two people ask me today why I seemed so sad. Fuck...

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ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

So my volleyball coach (a.k.a, my mom outside the house) went to my mom this morning and said that she was worried about me. She said that she feels I am withdrawing myself from people and getting depressed. THAT IS WHAT I FUCKING DIDN'T WANT MY MOM TO KNOW. So she pulled me into her classroom this morning (she is a teacher at my school) and told me that my coach was worried about me and everything and asked me if I was depressed. The one perfect chance I have to tell her the truth and what do I say? "No, I'm fine" .... Fuck. I do love my coach unconditionally but I could have said some colorful words to her today. I guess my depression is getting very noticeable because my coach doesn't say anything to any of the parents about their children unless she thinks it might be serious. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck everything. Fuck the world, fuck my life, fuck everything. Fuck

Okay, now I'm done. Sorry everybody

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Is there even a point?

I don't want anybody to think I am posting this for attention. I am putting this here because I have nowhere else to let it out. I see no point in living anymore. I am fucked up and it's like I physically can't tell anybody that I need help. I rode home with my volleyball coach, and this woman is my second mom, it kind of feels like she is my real mom. I will go to her with anything before I go to my real parents. I have been contemplating telling her that I self-harm and need help and I have tried to a couple times, but I can't get the words out of my mouth. Sitting in the car with her and not telling her, I just felt so fake. I tried to tell her, but I physically could not do it. She is one of those people that without her, I probably wouldn't go to the school I go to now, I don't know how I functioned without her before. But I truly don't see a point in living anymore. I can't even talk to my best friend without crying, I can't go a day without cutting, hell even a couple hours.

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Yup, I said it

Fuck the world. And here is a picture I found and thought I'd share it. He is so beautiful... inside and out

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My head is prison cell

I am depressed all the time and I don't really know why. I don't have a hard life at all, I am truly blessed, but I just can't be happy. I just hate everything about me and I can't escape. I'm fucked up but I don't want to tell my parents. They would be thoroughly devastated. I know so many people have way worse lives than me and that I shouldn't be like this, but I don't know what to do.

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Yup, I'm a sloth

So today I watched four episodes of House, M.D. in a row, two movies (The Ward, State of Emergency) and three episodes of L.A. Ink. Anybody else like these shows/movies?

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Could've been worse but I'm going to complain anyway, sorry

This week has not been going too swell for me and today was no exception. So in Algebra I put my head down on my desk because I was tired and I just woke up in a pissy mood this morning. I had my head down for I'd say probably around 45 minutes(long enough that I started jerking really bad like I do in my sleep). Then my teacher starts fussing at me the second I pick my head up. I'm not one to fuss with teachers but I could've torn her head off. To understand this next episode, you need a little background in my class. Me and this other girl that is really annoying but really does work hard are the only ones that give a fuck about anything. We coordinate everything my class does. We organized the class voting on who was our student council representatives, class president, and who was running for homecoming court this year. Well one guy in my class I swear walks this earth to piss me off and he is good at it.

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listening to disenchanted and crying my eyes out...

That song always gets me. Anyway, if you read my last blog you know about my mortifying trashcan incident. First thing I heard when I walked into school, take a guess! Yeah, "Watch out for those trashcans! They tend to jump in front of people!" I heard jokes like that all day. PEOPLE THAT WEREN'T EVEN THERE WERE MAKING FUN. What the fuck!!?? Anyway, my psychology teacher is having us make this time diary where we log everyday and put what we were doing and how we felt at the time. She is going to think I'm fucked up, which I am, but she is a new teacher this year and doesn't really know me yet. All the time I'm either stressed, overwhelmed, pissed, or tired. You know the ink blot thing where they ask what you see in it? We did one of those the other day (I didn't share my answer) and NOBODY else saw anything. They only saw ink blots, but I saw a person wearing a gas mask...Hmmm... To top everything off, I had an awful volleyball practice. I couldn't do anything right.

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Mother-fucking trashcans and floor wax

I had my first volleyball game of the season...and lost in only two sets. I know losing was a team effort but it does not feel like that. I found out as the before-game conference thing was GOING ON that I am the speaking captain for my team. Then I totally embarrassed myself. I had THE ENTIRE FUCKING GYM laughing at me because in my effort to save the ball I slipped on the OVERLY WAXED floor and knocked over a trashcan. My whole team said they would never let me live it down. I'm all for making an idiot of myself, I'm good at it, but this was so embarrassing that if I hadn't got up and just laughed as hard as I could fake, I would have cried. And the rest of the night my aunt's boyfriend kept moving every trashcan across the room and told me to watch out for it. I am a klutz, everybody knows it. Me falling isn't ever a big deal so this was huge.

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First day back at hell

Yup, first day of school. You know what that means! I completely tuned out my Algebra teacher and doodled some MCR stuff the entire class period, almost got the very back corner of every classroom to myself, and tried to stay away from people as much as possible. There is one girl that tried to scratch my back though.....(awkward silence). After school I had volleyball practice and totally sucked that up. FUCK YEAH! We have our first game tomorrow and we can't even pass the ball back over the net, much less to the setter so she can set us up to kill it. My Spanish teacher called me a dumb blonde (I'm not even blonde!) and my homeroom/Bible teacher talks to the class like we are three year olds. I am going to need some serious MCR and KillJoy therapy this year.........