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I saw you on the telly today

and it seems to me that you always no when I'm going to need you.

You always show up before the storm.

Right now mam is crying in the kitchen, Dads gone missing and my sisters too far away to know the truth.

The last time I saw my mam cry was when she got hit in the face by a cricket bat, I guess its the same this time. Only the cricket bat is metaphorical and for that reason its hurting even more.
I've never seen her pray before, and whether she was when I walking in, I'll never know, because I won't ask because we're not that kind of family, but she was saying something and it sounded like help.

It makes me sad knowing that this could be it, potentially, this could tear our family a part because neither mam or dad are strong enough to deal with this, she's depressed, my dads been depressed for three fucking years and i doubt he's going to get better anytime soon.

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unpopular opinion

am i the only one that finds jenifer laurence's obsession with "I will never starve myself for a role" "the word fat should be banned" a little sickening and very annoying.

Idk it just pisses me off how she can't just get on with her life and seems to think she can call people up on being thin, like fuck off.

oh you don't have to starve yourself how lovely for you yeah i bet thats fucking lovely, give yourself a fucking medal.

You're not the only one. Half the fucking world eats like that, more than half the population of britain are overweight so stop acting like not starving yourself is the taboo thing here.
It fucking isn't.

I wouldn't mind people say she's an excellent role model but you know what? I don't think she is.

She's never made me feel like i can be happy with my size. In fact she's made me feel ashamed.
Ashamed because i have a fucking eating disorder.

Yeah thats right, give her a medal she's the one that makes the girl with anorexia cry.

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Hello old friends

How have you been?

It's been awhile since i felt the same telling shiver as I typed into the search bar. But almost a year has past now and it seems fitting that as I sit crossed legs in the middle of the living room floor, that I revisit this little chapter (because it was brief) of my past.

It doesn't feel the same, but I don't think that this is because things have changed, I think its because I know it will always be the same. The same old site. It will always have the black background and the same little drawing in the corner and that will never change.

I don't know what that makes me feel. I don't think i ever will.

I've grown a lot in a year. A lot has changed and I'm not sure how I feel. As MCR lack in existence I feel myself needing them less and less, and it's not that I don't love them, they will always have palace in my heart, and that will never change. But growing is growing and changing is changes and I am doing both.

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Still crazy after all these years, oooo they have drums in this song thats nice, my throats all itchy and coldy this sucks, and the suns too bright and now im just rying to think about my thought processes and for some reason thats fucking this up, cause my plan was to do this so i might be able to make post again that are normal and not weird, i dont know, they have srings in this song too theyre pretty, 1 new message from tom thats nice, gawd im supposed to be packing, pegasus, god i hope harper reads this shell know what im talking about there, haha im being an idiot, this isnt gonna work, theres base too how did i never notice that? this wedding had better be good, i really want some chocolate cake, like really badly want some chocolate cake, or bannanas and custard, theres no bananas in the house.

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so stuff happened (as it tends to)

you know the day that my chem split was also the day that i went to see jake bugg, which i think is the reason that the numbness didn't manage to settle this time.
i went with my dad which was nice because we rarely speak, though we speak more often than me and my mum who haven't really spoken since christmas.
but anyway i went with my dad who's the one who actually got me into music and we had a really nice convocation (weeeeeeeeeell i say convocation it was more that we went through our iPods sharing our favorite songs) and then we saw jake bugg and kinda stood there in awe of his guitar playing skills, we left again and dad was like, "weeeeeeeelll the next time i go to a gig like that i'll be there to watch you in your band"

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i guess there's a lot that could be said today and i know for a fact that i won't say it all, and the rest of you killjoys will be able to fill in the gaps.

today for me was spent doing my art coursework, the hand in deadline is monday and i have the weekend to sort it all out and make it perfect.
my parents went to decorate my nans house for her.
my sister left soon after to sleep round her friends.
i baked cakes.
i did a lot of painting.
i microwaved left over curry for lunch and could barely stomach it because my appetite is next to nothing since i got back from new york.
i painted some more,
my ipod ran out f battery so i started listenign to 21st century breakdown on repeat because appart from frankie goes to holywood it's the only album on the computer.
i finished up with my art coursework.
tidied up.
sat down and logged onto tumblr to talk about the jake bugg gig tomorrow.

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note to self

"shes bein followed by the man in her mind, she just needs to unwind, shut her eyes because shes running out of time"

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second names...

i never understood why a sir name was so important, for girls anyway.

i mean for a guy, it has a air of identity about it, you keep the same one all your life (in england anyway)

but with a girl, she inherits it off her dad when shes born, shes grows up and then she gets married and takes her husbands.

so theres no sense of an identity.

but thats pretty irrelevent to this.

ive never really liked my second name, i didnt like it much when i was little. and as i grew up and found out about where my second name came from, it became a name which i hated, i hated the man who gave me that name.

cause he isnt my family. in fact im told he was a complete twat.

im told he was really violent and horrible.

soooooo its not supprising that as a girl who can lose her second name when she marries ive always liked the idea of getting married and removing the stain from my name.

(that really was not supposed to rhyme)

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that was soooooo scary

like terrifying...

i just had this dream about some crazy nun that killed someone with a guillotine and then she started eating her and then i woke up but it was weird cause i could still here her talking and it was just really fucking scary!
and i cant go back to sleep.
mind you i havent had one of these dreams in moths so this was gonna happen sooner or later, ill be sleeping again in a weeks time :)

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so its half one

nearly... i need to get up, tidy my room, do some art and go on a walk with my mum, and pack for new york...