BeYouBeBeautiful's blog

This is one of my last days in this house. I hate it and I'm glad that we're moving. Awkwardly enough, the people that are moving in have a son who is in some of my classes at school and is one of my best friends best friend... anyway. We're leaving, case closed, and moving somewhere not that far away but with sooo much more space and a huge house and it's American style, so it reminds me on home. I only lived in America for five years. But it's home. Mainly because it's warmer.

So I'm supposed to be packing, obviously, but uh... procrastination. I'm also quite hungry and need to take a shower, but I've already got dressed and my parents aren't home with food yet so there's no point even looking.

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1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here:
"Bread-and-butter and some hot tea. The rain seemed to" (The Secret Garden)

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there?
The wall and my discarded old Acer computer I don't really use anymore.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Britain's Got Talent

4. Without looking, guess what time it is?
Midnight?

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
11:59 :O

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My clock ticking and also my watch ticking because they both tick at different times. My light buzzing because it's almost fused. A slight little noise of wind outside. Cars passing every so often etc.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Last night. And getting ready to party! Obviously! Otherwise known as going to my grandma's house... :3 I was supposed to party tonight but they were ID-ing.

So after writing that depressing blog I'd like to say a few things. Man does that help situations. You should try it, just write until you feel empty. Something my friend told me 4 or so years ago.

My brother? We made up. Hugged, even. For what I'm sure is the first time in about a year. Sure he didn't apologise when I did, but the hug was better than an apology, more heartfelt. Why did I apologise? Because I was in a much better mood. Why was I in a much better mood? Because one of the other problems was solved. After what must have been a month and a half, maybe longer, I have finally nursed my precious computer back to life <3 and things are good.

Now, this new found relationship between me and my brother and my computer being alive and well again has made me think. Really think. Maybe this girl isn't so bad. And maybe those annoying guys just don't know any other way of acting.

I'm just annoyed and I need to get it out.

Everyone just gets mad at me nowadays. I keep making stupid little mistakes. Okay so my brother ripped my money for the week in half. Am I not supposed to make a big deal out of that? I mean he meant it. He's not a little kid, he's almost 30. I'm still pretty young, half his age, and yet it's me that gets in trouble when I ask for a replacement. I'm sorry but I enjoy eating meals every day.

People confuse me. There are some people who I'm usually really good friends with, but there are some days where I just don't know where I stand with them. Like this one girl, she's one of my best friends, I talk to her every day at school, on the phone, on Facebook etc. But she has a very very close best friend, who I'm also best friends with. And she HAS to have this girl to herself. And it's not just me, it annoys everyone, but sometimes I wonder if she really is my friend or if she just talks to me because I'm her best friend's, well, best friend.

So there is a possibility that I can fix my computer without my parents finding out, but it's going to be hard. I've fought viruses and returned computers to their factory settings, but this involves reconnecting a hard drive and it's pretty risky business. Still, my brother's a computer programmer. This kind of stuff runs in the family, and I've always been interested in computers. According to the seemingly advanced instructions I'm using, it's easy and, as long as you're careful, risk free. I look forward to the challenge ;)

It's time to face the facts. After years and years of begging for us to move home, we did. In four days it will have been a year since we did. And yet, it's so painfully obvious that I just don't belong here. I have friends, I go to an amazing school, but it's so dark. So cold. I'm sick all of the time, sleeping every day after school just so the days will blur together, so I can go back to see my dad in America all the quicker. I have 11 weeks until I breathe the humid air again. 3 weeks until I see him, but that's not the problem. The problem is the fact that I feel like I'm in a bubble. The air here is fresh, but it has a chill that I hate bitterly. I keep telling myself I only have 3 more years of school to deal with, but if I get desperate I can leave after 1. Also, I was promised that I can go to boarding school in my last year of school if I want to. But I DON'T want to. I want to move back to America. Since I've moved here, I've changed.

Sometimes I feel trapped. Especially today, everything just went so wrong... it started as early as 3am and now it's almost 9:30pm.. and everything's just got worse. I'm probably overreacting - I do that a lot - but I just feel like I need to write it down to get it out of my system and then everything will be okay again. But that never really works. I woke up at 3am with a thumping headache and I was wide awake and starving. I turned on my computer and played around for a few hours, but the hunger was too much to bear so I went to get some cereal. It was stale. I got back to my room and looked at my computer only to see that in my absence a virus had popped up on the screen. I restored my computer to an earlier date and everything was good again, and I was tired, so I went to sleep. When I woke up my mum was getting ready to leave for work so she made me some tea but I didn't taste it I just gulped it down like usual. My mum then left.

I really don't know what to say other than the obvious; Gerard (and the rest of My Chemical Romance) saved my life. It's been said over and over again, but the message never becomes boring, or a drag, each person has their own story, their own way that they were saved by the music, and I believe that every big fan of My Chemical Romance has probably been at least helped out of a sticky situation by listening to the messages behind some of the songs. I feel as though I owe Gerard personally, owe him something so big that I will never be able to it give to him. So all I can say is THANK YOU. And on this day, 35 years ago, Gerard Way was born. I just hope that he has the perfect birthday, I'm going to go ahead and assume that he will want to be with Lindsey and Bandit, and so I hope he is with them, and that he is happy. All I can want for the person who helped save my life is utter blissfulness - that kind of happy where you feel like you're floating.

I hate talking to people that you used to love, but just don't connect with anymore. I mean, she doesn't know that I don't like her anymore... it's not that I don't like her. We've been best friends for two years, but she's changed and I've changed and we don't have anything in common anymore and I just can't see the point to our friendship anymore. But the thing is, she doesn't know that I want to stop the friendship. I can't exactly tell her, we've been each others lifelines since we met, and I don't want to just ignore her because that leads to arguments and I love her too much for that. We're sisters. Or we were sisters. Plus, she's started a new school - boarding school - and I moved to a different country, it should have been obvious we were going to change and our friendship wouldn't last. She has a boyfriend and tons of friends there.