ayla77's blog

So my baby brother is 8 today! Yay! This a big deal cause he has been through a lot. He has autism, double x chromosome disorder, and a lesion on his brain that causes seizures and strokes. He doesn't talk but squeals and giggles a lot. He is always happy despite his illnesses. He likes batman so I got him a batman mobile that shoots missiles out of it and you can put batman in it and he launches out. I bought him a joker too so he could have a villain to fight. lol..I also got him a glow in the dark batman puzzle for his room:) One thing that is cool is my bday is May 29 so are bday's aren't that far apart even though I'm older so usually he scribbles me some pictures:) so ready for his party tonight...he deserves the best

Ugh so today I feel like crap again:( I been sick constantly..sometimes I wonder if Im pregnant even though I take birth control cause ya know those things aren't 100% for sure. I mean a baby would be a big thing, a blessing but hardwork and I want to make sure my boyfriend and I are 100% ready if were gonna have a kid. A kid shouldn't suffer cause of their parents. I been there myself and I would die if I had a kid who suffered like I did. But everyone thinks it's my heart making me sick. I mean my blood pressure constantly goes up and down and I feel dizzy and nausea a lot. Im scared I admit of either. My heart and stomach aren't t the best..they always bother me. I hope I start to feel better soon.

Yay!!!!! Out of school till fall!!!!! Got a B in math which is awesome cause I suck at math and I got an A in criminology..No school till fall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!! lol

. Any scars? Yep. on my right knee from railroad spike that got stuck in it, my left hand from burns, and my sides from surgery
2. Crush? yeah my stupid boyfriend
3. Kissed anyone? yes
4. Coke or Pepsi? neither Dr pepper!
5. Someone you hate? nope
6.Best friends? yeah I have a few
7. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? yes, both and I regret it
8. What's your dream job? CSI: crime scene investigator
9. Ever been in love? yes
10. Last time you cried? when my boyfriend beat me up
11. Favourite color? black
12. Height? 5ft ' 3in
13. Birthday? May 29
14. Eye colour?brown
15. Hair color? black
16. What do you love? making stories, writing poems, and songs
17. Obsession? don't think I have one
18. If you had 1 wish, what would it be? world peace
19. Do you love someone? yes

So May is cystic fibrosis awareness month and this holds a place in my heart because my best friend and my first love, John Varnell "Johnny" and his brother Jake died from cystic fibrosis. Johnny was 15 and Jake was 17 when they passed away from this life threatening illness that causes too much mucus in the lungs. Johnny died waiting for a double lung transplant that he denied so his brother could have it first. Jake went on to have the transplant but his body rejected it and he too passed away a few months later. I miss my Johnny boy everyday. I remember when I was sick he would sing to God "Don't take the girl." He use to say he would take my place if he could. I only wish I could of took his place. No one should die so young. You can read more about cystic fibrosis at cysticfibrosis.com or got to cysticfibrosisfoundation.org #RIPJohnnyandJake

You know the moment when you realize your not okay? The moment you look up to see your whole world spinning out of control and there is no brakes to stop it. I saw that moment the other day. As much as I didn't want to face it the more it kept staring at me. It was right when I woke up too. I threw the covers off only too look down and see the bruises covering my legs and feel the pain of knot that is still there today. Everyone says abuse can be in so many different forms and hurt in so many different ways. They are right..It hurts especially when the person who you believe loves you is the one pinching you, smacking you, hitting you, and then saying it's just a game...but there you are covered in bruises and you cant help but think it's not a game. You want to believe that someone who loves you could never hurt you, that he is just keeping you from your friends cause he worries about you, or he stalks your facebook cause he cares, but the truth is all he wants is control.

So I finally told my dad about my boyfriend and his controlling ways, I did leave out the part where he punched me. My dad was well um as any dad would be FUCKING PISSED. He flipped out and I mean flipped! Being his youngest daughter my dad is very protective which sometimes can be annoying, I mean he still calls me princess.....ugh. Anyways I don't think my boyfriend will be going to my dad's house anytime soon unless he has a death wish.

Lately I feel like shit. I'm not beautiful or anything but then I got to thinking WTF I'm myself so if people don't like it well then they can FUCK OFF as Frank would say Lol. So thank you Frank for the courage to say FUCK OFF my haters. Hope you guys can be yourselves too and know if people don't like it you can say FUCK OFF:)

Some courage for the day. If you ever feel alone or if you stand up for something you believe in and you find yourself standing alone just remember this

So lately I been feeling depressed. My post traumatic stress disorder is getting to me and sometimes I don't even realize it. I use to write poetry a lot but gave it up...well now I been writing again. The stuff doesn't rhyme its just my thoughts that are running through my head about everything. Hopefully this one post ok. I never posted one here before but here it goes...oh please let me know what you think..honestly.

The smallest see can make the biggest difference
one match can start a million fires
from the depth of the largest ocean
to a snow covered mountain top
inside the solid earth
up to the moon and stars
a wave of change can spark a chemical reaction,
The heart can say a million words
with open eyes one can help the blind
from the darkness shines the light
the soul can see many things
a hug can harness great power
the gentle hand can show great kindness
love can change our path,
Fear doesn't have to consume us
the eyes need not to deceive us