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what´s wrong with me???

first: i wanted to show you my shoes xD

well and then: i don´know what´s wrong with me. my life is so borig. i just wake up,go to school,go home,eat,do my jomework,have nothing to do,eat,sleep.....and that every day
my life isn´t bad. i mean i have friends and a family hwo love me, i´m good at school, i´m good at sport, i´m good with my instruments and there are people on this world who have a much worser life than me but i don´t know what i should do.

Ray of jope in the dark

it´s a poem of mine....normal it´s germn that´s why it sounds a bit strange sometimes
i translated it and i´m not sure if it´s all right becuse i had a few problems with tat but i like it and i hope you´ll enjoy. it´s for my best friend....i told you about her

I drown,
everything turns to black.
I want to cry, but I can´t bring out a tone.
There´s no air in my lungs,
let it go away.
My heart beats,
it knocks agains my ribs,
want to break out.
With every move it sends a new impulse.
The veins on my temples are overloaded
and I can hear how the blood in my ears rush.
I don´t know where´s the

i love YOU

i have a problem.... i´m in love with my best friend! i already told her that i´m bi but i didn´t tell her that i´m in love with her. i mean she´s my best friend and i don´t want to lose her or something just because i´m in love! but i can´t stop thinking about her and even i didn´t tell, i think she knows it because i always looked at her with this know?
well now that she knows that i´m interested in girls it seams like she knows that i´m interested in HER.....
well the other reason i didn´t tell her is because she told me that she´s in love with a boy and i

Great day

wah i'm so happy
Today i had a Music compotition with Oboe
i prakticed the pieces since Summer last Year and they really pisses me off xDDD
but i go 24 from 25 points which means that i don't have to Play at the recital from my school (because you should now that i'm in a school for musicians)
and i'm in the Next round which is in Mainz and there live two other killjoys
i really Want to See them and i'm so happy that i can do that now!!!!!!
so it was a fantastic Day for me!!!

with Blood & silece
Meditation Cake

where are you Friends????

in my last Blog i told you what my "Friend" think about my killjoy-Friends.
they really Said Bad Things to her like She is a fickung Bitch and have to go to hell.......well they weren't Nice and i told her that i'm sorry that they Said Bad Things to her. everything was Fine between us. we're Not Friends anymore but we can live with each other but She told all my Friends i am a fucking Bitch and that i am against them and so on....
i Never did that and i will Never do that because they are my Friends!
if somebody would say something like my "friend" Said to my killjoy-Friends i Would defend

kill all my friends!!!

Since I´m a killjoy I found other friends in germany on the internet. they ean a lott to me and I really like tlkig to them because they are the only people who understand my problems nd it seems like my other friends at school have problems with the fact that I tell them everything. I never told any other person my secrets or anything about my life.

ok I know you will not like that because it´s not a good thing and I know that ut I did it and don´t have problems with that.

Two days ago I hurted myself. I didn´t cut myself. I just claw myself till my arm was bloody. I´m not really sure why I did that. Maybe because I relised rhat I can´t tell my problems any friends. They would laugh about me or think that I´m mental ill or what ever. They wouldn´t understand.......
So I hurted myself and even I know you would say it´s not good, I shouldn´t do that and it don´t help anyway- it helped.
I don´t know why but it made me happy and it wasn´t


I Wake up and everything is the Same As yesterday.
Nothing changed.
All is at its Place.
I Fed up with that.
Want to brek out-
but I can't.
Just a Zombie
who do what they Told me.
Can't enjoy life-
but I'm too Young to die.
give me a Gun.
Don't Be reserved.
I just Want to steal my Life
because I wouldn't Miss it.
It's to monotonous.
Maybe I should put an end to it.
But it goes on and on and on.
Can't enjoy my Life-
but I'm too young to die!
much to, much to AH
much to, much to SHUT UP
much to, much to DON'T WANT
much to, much to HEAR THAT
but maybe you are right.
It's Not the end of this

don´t want to name it just b-day mh..........

today was a good day. now I´m 14 fucking damn years old!
Everybody wished me a good day and were nice to me. acept the people who don´t like me or don´t care what happens to me. They were verry friendly and my friens maae a cake xD (yummy)
I get a book and a new game for playstation................AND MY FIRST MCR-SHIRT!!!!!!!!

I totally flipped out xD I weared it today and the strangest thing waas: my art teacher knows the band! was so cool

no time to BE

I don´t have time to be me. every day is srtess for me. I´m on a school for musicians wich meens that we have not only have just 4 basic subjects but also music. we have to play an instrumens, play in an orchestra, play on concerts,.....
I play oboe and piano, am in an orchestra and in a few weeks I have a competition. I also am in a swimming club and have to go to lessons for confirmation....

monday: school, practice oboe and piano with my friend for the competition, oboe lesson,piano lesson
thuesday: school, lessons for confirmation, swim training
wednesday school, orchestra