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i thougt it would help to feel better but now i just feel empty....

i just had this thoughts about selfharm the last days......i stopped cutting two month before but today i did it again. i felt so alone and relised that noone noticed that i was cutting myself last tine and that they didnt really care about me and my problems and that i'm just there for telling their shit anyone.....i just felt so alone. i cutted and thought i would feel better...i think it's deaper than the last time. i don't feel better. i just feel nothing anymore. i'm just empty.

i'm so happy even day started shity

oh boy i'm so happy because i sended a application for a scholarship to an organization and they send an ansewar back!
wahhhhhh i'm so excited!
inwant to go to usa for a year and OMGEEEE maybe i'll get the chance to go there!
it's strange because i was so sad and stuff in school, i thought about selfharm again and when i went home i saw the letter...........mh how good occasions can change your mood that much....strange!
but i'm so happy!
i which they will gife the scholarship to me! would be cool to see how life in the us is..........

best B(andit)- Day ever

dear bandit,
i hope you have a wonderful birthday with your family, friends and everyone who loves you. even you´re just 3 years old there are lots of people around the world who like you and wish that this is your best day ever. so enjoy and i hope daddy had maked a chocolate cupcake for you :********

the strangest, best friend i ever had

i´m confused!
there´s this girl. she´s a killjoy too and she´s the only person i can tell everything. i just know her from a forum and never saw her in real...but se´s a really cool person and i like her verry much. i wanted to visit her but my mom saied i´m not allowed because se don´tknow her......whatever
yesterday she we chatted and she saied she´s in ove with me and than that it was a joke.

thank you, whoever i have to thank

i postet a blog a ng time ago about a girl whos 18 and lost was in coma. she waked up and she can speak again. she knows the people who visit her and it seems like she will be able to be the old one. before she couldn´t speak, move, or fo anything else.
i don´t know who i should thank fo that but it doesn´t matter! thanks to you and god and the doctors who helped her! she was a close friend of my siser and i´m sure my sister is verry happy about that!

........don't know how i shpuld call this

ok. i really love my brother.
sometimes he's the nicest person on earth but the most time of my life he was a fucking ashole!
he can't understand me, my opinions, my feelings....nothing! and he always tell me things i really don't want to know.

want to go away

my dad is mentally ill. he can't do amything against it but sometimes i really hate him for that. it's 10am and i just waked up 20 minutes ago. i waked up because he couldn't find his rubber. he shouted and went to my sisters room. shouted at her she had stolen his rubber and my sister shouted back. he shouted at my mother and i know how much it hurts her. i can't understand that he can't see that. i know every time he did that before i started crying because i was so afraid. and i' still afraid. i'm afraid what will be when i will move off and my mother will be alone with him.

first happy day since al really ling time

ok i was really unhappy the last month. i just posted sad blogs and now that i feel a bit more happyer i think i have to post a happy blog. well i don't know why but at the moment it's ok. i spend more time to learn for school, 'cause in two years i want to go to amarica for a half year. so i have to be better at school xD
uh i should go at my room.....i have to learn xDDDDD
ok so sleep well! even it's not late time to got to bed....
mh that blog isn't really happy......whtever xDDD i am!

why is it so complicated?

i want to tell her....but i kow she wouldn´t understand so every time i try, i shut my mouth so i´m sad and don´t know what to do....
she always tell how much she loves this boy and she thinks he has a girlfriend.....it hurts...it really really hurts
and she didn´t get it...i´m a bit depri now and she always asks why...what should i say? that i´m in fucking love with her?
i can´t ´cause than she would be like " what? you´re crazy! you know i´m not in love with girls! go away!".....mh yeah and that´s why i just sit here, depri and tell you my problems....

sing it for paul

paul is my brother
a few years ygo i would have say that i hate him but now i can say that i´m proud to havehim as my brother. he´s 16 years old and had a girlfriend or more than a year. her name was tamara. she was really nice. said that he have to shut up if he said something rude, loved him with all her heart and gave him a good feeling. he never was so happy before and today she broke i off. i don´t know why but i feel so sorry. i want to help him, to console him, but i know that he don´t want to see me, ´cause he´s too haughtily to cry in front of his little sister.

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