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Yesterday was my birthday.

And for once, I actually cared. :) Usually I just write off my birthday as just another meaningless day... I don't think I've ever even mentioned it on here before now. But this year, I was chatting with my singer-- she wished me a happy birthday, and we spent the day just joking around, talking about music and stuff. And for the first time in a long time, I actually felt like somebody cared about me. It's weird... I've only been talking to her for a short while, but she's the first person in my life I'm not scared of losing. Haven't felt that way since my first best friend on here.
Sappiness

ugh.. makes my skin crawl!

ugh! gross!! I'm watching The Bay, and just, GROSS! I mean, even when they don't show what's happening, just have the audio, it still makes your skin crawl when you imagine it!

all things considered

So i guess i now know what it feels like to just "shut up and smile". It makes me feel like bashing my head on the wall. Which without thinking i actually did. Yea i know im stupid. Im very stupid. Sorry. But i guess its an accomplishment seeing as i was able to "shut and smile" through a whole conversation without snapping. Yay me.
I fucking hate myself. Its beyond words at this point.
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In other news i found out on CNN, someone invented a cup and straw that literally turns color at the presence of a date rape drug, or any other drugs in your drink.

When do you get help?

Guys, I am so sorry that I always put depressing stuff in here. If you are easily depressed or triggered, please skip this blog, please.
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When do you go to get real help? Like, when do you know you should see a therapist? After you ruin tons of clothes from bleeding on them? When you stop eating? When it is a struggle to stand in the bathroom without raiding the med cabinet? I am depressed all the time, and the rare moments that I'm not, I'm really pissed off. A sincerely good mood is extremely rare for me. People see my "happy mask", but that is slipping off.

My first love

Si entendieras lo desgarrado que esta mi corazón, ¿no me harás mas preguntas verdad?, solo entiende… PERO ES FÁCIL… no, no soy eso que dices… esta bien por lo menos déjame contarte.

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