As the title says, I am just going to ramble on like the emo young adult that I am, for the sole purpose of wanting to talk. It will be a confessional and, maybe, an update. But mostly just depressing. XD
As much as I hate to admit this, as much as I wish I could say that I'm strong and independent and I don't need anybody and I could live as a hermit... I get lonely sometimes.
Yes, it's true. It doesn't happen often-- I'm generally quite content by myself-- but when it does happen, it's painful. Draining. Sometimes I go numb and can't even think.
This is part of why I haven't been on in a few weeks. That numbness, that emptiness that I can't fill no matter what I do. That darkness that makes me so lethargic that I can't even listen to music. I simply cannot find the strength to put my headphones in my ears and turn on a song. So I sleep alone.
I want to have a friend to talk to. Well, not talk, really... just someone who will give me a convenient excuse to leave this house. Someone who can understand me and talk to me about interesting things, but who will leave me alone when I ask them to and not force their company on me.
I guess what I really want is a friend who's an introvert like me.
Except that I have trouble even making friends in the first place. I'm still wary of my bandmates. Sometimes I think they want to throw me out of the band... and I'm the one who created the idea. I want to go to a concert and see if I can make any friends there, but I haven't got any money to go. And even if I did, I probably wouldn't have them for long, anyway... either I push people away (sometimes without even knowing it) or they just up and leave.
I guess I just lack the social graces. Even moreso than I'm even aware of most of the time.
I miss this band. I miss looking forward to a new album or a tour, the chance to see them in concert just one more time. Sure they all have their solo projects, and I'm happy for them and I want to see them anyway (I know for sure that Frank is going to be coming here with The Used and Taking Back Sunday, and I definitely want to see that show)... but somehow it just won't be the same as having them all together.
Here ends my ramble. That was about the extent of it. The one silver lining is the painfully slow but welcome return of my identity. My otaku is coming back out to play, so I've been watching anime again. I started Vampire Knight over, and I'm finishing Attack On Titan. That show is an emotional tease, by the way.
But that is all. For real this time. Keep shining, Killjoys.