So... I have two different Facebook accounts. One, for socialism and friends, the other for personal use, under a different name. I have my dad blocked off my social one, the one I most frequently use. I haven't talked to him in two years.
But I went on my personal one, and looked him up. Knowing full well it would just upset me, and make me miss him more. Knowing that it would probably hold me down for the rest of the day, when I have other things to do and people to teach. Why - why do I have to be so god fucking damn stupid sometimes...
When I lived with him, all I wanted was for him to be proud of me. It never happened, I was locked up half the time, he'd cut me off, no emotion whatsoever - and the other half he was screaming in my face. When he was especially angry at me (this only happened once or twice, when I threatened to run away) he wouldn't even let me call him my dad.
So it makes me wonder, you know? Why, after everything he did, why do I miss him? Why do I still want to see his face in an audience when I'm up on a stage? Why do I still want to know how he's doing, yet I get so angry when my brother and sister go to see him?
