A lot has changed in the past few months. I have evolved. No , I don`t like mainstream music . I never will . But my being has changed. My appearance. My way of thinking. My typing , my writing, my views on the world. & my friends as well.
This past September I started 7th grade. My school doesn`t have a middle school , so I`m technically in highschool. I don`t talk to the people I was closest to in 5th & 6th grade. I have changed my perspective. I am friends with the "popular" crowd now. I don`t necessarily like it , but what can you do.. In the time I haven`t been posting, I have learned so much. While I was on here, I didn`t know it, but I was trapping myself. I was hiding myself from the world. While I was watching other girls turning into sluts & having boyfriends , I was thinking it would never happen to me. Like I was an exception to the world. To growing into a teenager. My hair has grown long. I always wear makeup. I have changed myself to be accepted by society. I stopped hanging around with people who weren`t popular. I know that not everyone thinks the way I do.
In my head I realized that society is never going to get any smarter. They`re never going to gain common sense. They`re not going to accept people that are different. & society will never disappear. With this realization, I`ve decided to change myself into something that society would accept.
I haven`t changed my internal thoughts. My feelings are the same. I still love the shows & bands I loved in 5th grade. I know that society won`t see changes past the eye if I keep my mouth shut.
So the transformation begins. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to have what the other girls had. & I knew I had the potential to be what they are. I just didn`t quite know how to change exactly. So I started doing what they did. I observed them by hanging out with them & was there when they needed to vent. So they let me in to their clique.
I started shopping at the stores they shopped at. I bought the clothes they liked & realized I liked it too. I started wearing my hair down, & made more of an effort to look presentable. I stopped being "weird" & eventually was considered one of them.
Once I was officially in, they invited me places. They wanted to hang out with me. They looked up to me. And then I went further.
Boys started to like me. & I dated some boys. I started wearing makeup & I even joined cheerleading. To be one of them. I took an interest in dance & I realized I had talent. In my past years of dancing, I hated it so much that I didn`t even acknowledge that I could have had talent.
I realized that I loved cheerleading too. I wasn`t the best, but I was a decent base.
Of my new friends , there was only one I could really connect with. Alexandra. We were close enough that we could finish each other`s most random sentences. We made dances during the summer & we posted them on YouTube. One of our dances wasn`t supposed to be posted, but it was . & Everyone turned on us. E v e r y o n e. We were "sluts". "whores" , "cunts" & everything else. For wearing shorts.
& Now my reputation is ruined. Hers was repaired. Because her boyfriend is a popular asshole.
It was eventually forgotten after awhile. & Alexandra started to talk to people from other schools. Alexandra was talking to a guy named Noah. & she was talking to him constantly, & after a while, they wanted to date . She`d been dating her boyfriend for over a year. But she never dated Noah.
So after they stopped talking, I started talking to him. & we fell for each other. & He asked me out. & After two days , he ended it. For whatever reason , I don`t know.
& for awhile, he hated me. I just felt nothing toward him.
& A couple of months after, I`m pretty sure it was September, he texted me. "Hey." & it brought back everything. I could barely answer. But I did. & it wasn`t until September 31st that I knew he loved me. He poured his heart out to me. & I was just about to break up with Nick , we hadn`t talked in at least two weeks. So Noah asked me out. & I had no idea what I was thinking. But I realized I still had feelings for him. So I said yes. & The next day I ended it with Nick.
And somehow he found out about Noah. & He`s been tourmenting me since October 1st. 24 days. & every dingle day he tells me about how much of a slutty whore I am. Speaking of , I only had my first kiss last Friday.
I`m crumbling. Under this pressure. Of Nick not leaving me alone, & of school . Every one of my teachers hates me & gives piles of homework every night. It`s awful. It really is. & I feel like if I stay home from school for one day , I`ll never catch up. & I have dance 2 hours every monday. I have dance 3 hours every Tuesday. & I never am able to sleep in on weekends because I`m crazy busy.
At the age of twelve, I shouldn`t be worried about school as much as I am.
Everyone at my school hates me because of Nick . & I`m not going to be accepted again. This is different than the dance. He`s popular & a grade older. So everyone takes his side.
& there`s so much drama going on with girls, it`s not even funny. & I`m always a target, because I`m nice. People use me, take advantage of me, & walk all over me. Because they can.
In a group of popular girls, we all break each other down. We make each other hate ourselves. We`re so harsh on each other to be perfect.
If you`ve ever thought about giving in to Society. Don`t. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. It may be fun in the beginning, but you`ll pay for it in the end. I swear you will.
Be proud of who you are. Be happy with yourself. Because I miss hiding. I miss being the shy nerd. I really miss it. But I`ve reinvented myself to the point where I don`t know what I am anymore. & You don`t want that. Popularity id only meant for some people. & if it`s for you , great. It`s not for me. Society is a disgrace. So I`ll leave you with this. Stay beautiful, & keep it ugly.
XoXo,
Desert Sage.
