Ive been through a lot lately and i need to let it out so ill catch you up part 1

The Wierdo from Hell's picture

Ive been through a lot lately and i need to let it out so ill catch you up part 1

I couldnt take spring break. I broke down so many times because i couldnt see death rocket. I couldnt talk to her. I wanted to hold her. I had become dependent of her. I wanted to do what she did to herself so badly. I wrote stuffin a journal. Like how i felt about her and how i wanted to do the same as she did because i was having identity problems because i knew i wasnt lesbian and all of this stuff.
i just couldnt take it when i went back to school on monday. I just ran to her and just hugged her. Her hug was rushed but i appreciated it anyway. The next day i told her my journal for her to read. I told her to read it when i wasnt around though for my sake. That day i went to see Iron Flame after 6th period, which i hadnt donr before, just to try to calm my nerves because i always talk and hug Death Rocket before i go the 7th period. I tensed up and couldnt look her in the eye. She came up to me and slapped me. I got really scared that i was about to loose her. Then she hugged me. I wanted to cry but i didnt want her to see me like that. I made her cry because of what i said in the journal.
I started to love her without fear, which is something that My Chemical Romance taught me, on the fateful Friday, March 22,2013. A few hours later My Chemical Romance came to an end. I cried a lot on Saturday. I was on an art trip. I couldnt listen to My Chemical Romance because it hurt too much. I couldnt talk without faking everything i said and fake smiling. I shoved food down my throat because i knew people would ask questions if i stopped eating. The worst thing was that i started to get depressive around Death Rocket. I couldnt listen to The World Is Ugly and feel what i was afraid to feel.
Not listening to My Chemical Romance was a big mistake since they are my voice when i am afraid.
Eventually i found out that if i played the songs on the piano i could listen to the songs again. I sat on the piano from 6:30 till 10:30. I didnt shower or do anything. I didnt because it felt like finding My Chemical Romance again was more important. I finally had closure.
On the wednesday after the break up, Death Rocket, a friend, and I spent an hour in a dark practice room. Before this we had been pushing Death Rocket around on a rolling chair similar to how Gerard was being pushed. I held Death Rocket for a long chunk of that hour. I inhaled her scent, which i can now recognize anywhere. I felt infinite in that practice room. We connected as crazy people. I just stayed there and held her. It felt good. It felt right. My heart ached. I wanted to laugh, scream, and cry. We did all this while listening to My Chemical Romance in the safe darkness. My Chemical Romance helped me accept myself and how i loved her knowing that i wasnt a lesbian or anything. I just loved her on a whole other level.
On Saturday, March 31, it was Iron Flame's birthday party. Our band was going to play at this party and i was excited. We went for a limo ride and i enjoyed it in part. On the way to the venue after stopping to take pictures i held Death Rocket. My love for her was very strong that day because of wednesday and because of the dress she was wearin. She looked just like Helena. I just felt like her inner beauty was too much for me to take. As i held her in the limo, she shifted her position and her hand touched my face. Fuck this is hard to say but i know you all are accepting people. Her fingers touched my lips. I wanted to kiss her so badly right then and there but i didnt. I know i could have if i had the guts to but i was scared of what Iron Flame would say, what Atomic Silence would say, what Stingray Bullet would say, along with everybody else.
Aterwards Death Rocket told me that she knew i wanted to becase she saw it in my eyes.
Ater the limo ride i got really panicky. I was afraid that my parents would notice how i felt about Death Rocket since my father doesnt approve of her. I kept panicking but only in my head. I didnt show it. When i looked at Death Rockets face after she touched me i looked away quickly. I couldnt look at her. I just held her. I broke down in my head. To be continued...