You all are my real friends

Vine Spider's picture

You all are my real friends

Well today I learned that hanging out with my friends makes my life worse. Fuck. I'm already depressed from the Gerard thing, and now being with friends is making it worse? I know they're not my closest friends, but shouldn't I have fun with them? Instead I feel uncomfortable and third wheel ish. I absolutely hate it. I've always felt better talking to MCR.com people, because I don't feel any of my friends have the same emotional connection to MCR or any of my problems. But this is depressing. I can't go to school and have lunch with you guys. I don't really want to hang out with them anymore. But what choice do I have? If I don't they get mad at me. I decided to do something with them today to get my mind off Gerard and feel better, but instead I'm holding back tears. They don't get it. They don't know depression, so they don't know how to treat me, they don't realize I'm fragile. I almost want them to find this journal.
More than anything, I want to tell them about Gerard. But I can't merge my different lives anymore. It never ends well. I keep them separate for a reason.
But I don't even know if he is part of my life anymore. He gave up calling me after I hung up on him for about the tenth time. I don't want to call him. I still don't know what I want.
What do I do? I love him, but I can't take all the lying. This is so hard for me. And it's all the more terrifying to not know what's going on. He keeps hiding it from me. And I don't know how to cope with him possibly dying. It's bad enough that he's dying of the one thing I am terrified of, but he's scaring me to death with all the secrecy. Is it just easier to call it off with him?
Thank you to all the amazing people who have bothered reading my stupid blogs of me complaining. You've all been so supportive. More supportive than any of my real friends were when I told them he moved. That's why I don't want to tell them about this. They don't take anything seriously. It's frustrating.
Anyway, I really appreciate everyone who had bothered to read any of my past blogs or this one. I love you all so much. My friend is trying to convince me we're as crazy as the beliebers, but she's full of it. You're all the best family I've ever had. I love you.