If you've got a soft heart and an iron attention span, read this. If not, cool.

Victoria1695's picture

If you've got a soft heart and an iron attention span, read this. If not, cool.

When I like someone, it ends up being a total trainwreck of an event. And the reason I’m writing a novella is because I obviously like someone. Liking someone is a problem for me, because it's usually someone I don't know well, someone I hardly talk to, or a complete asshole. But, the worst part of it is, I'm way too shy. Like, I honestly couldn't even ask someone what we were doing in Chem because I'm so shy. It's like pulling teeth out of fucking cement. I'm always afraid I'll say something that makes me look like a total idiot, and completely ruin my shot. I'm awkward, too. Beyond any reason, I might add. So, put it all together, and you've got a disaster. Now, that's in a situation with someone I know/go to school with. On the OTHER hand, say.........I meet someone really really REALLY hot at the mall. Say he's single. You'd best believe I'm hoppin' on that. (Not in a sexual way, though. I'm kind of waiting till marriage, and I know it's weird. I don't care.) Anyways, it's like night and day. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because I can go from absolutely shy to the wildest motherfucker you meet. I don't know why, but my brain just operates like that.
Now, part of the reason I'm shy around people I know (and this is just a theory), is that I see them daily. if I say "Hey, I like you", and they don't like me back, shit gets awkward. REAL awkward. I'm talking the kind of awkward that when you walk into a room, you could cut the awkwardness. That situation is the one we all want to avoid, right? So I say nothing, letting the crush fester inside me until it progresses to something I can't control, it gets to the point where my feelings are WAY too intense, I come on WAY too strong, I get rejected, they run away to Mexico, change their name to Jose, and I'm stuck here, single, wondering what the Hell just happened. (A bit exaggerated, but you get the point.)
I guess I'm just afraid of being hurt. Now, due to recent events, I think that the doubt is reasonable. (Okay, what happened was, I met someone, I started to like him, and I thought he liked me, but then he faked his own death out of nowhere.) I gave him no reason to, either. I even sent him fucking nudes after he asked in hopes of keeping him. But that just crashed and burned. So, I was really upset, and now, it's like I can't trust anyone, because I feel like something's going to happen like that. Again. I don't enjoy feeling doubtful. Hell, I'm afraid of the fact that I get jealous easily. If I date a guy who has friends that are girls, I'm not gonna say he CAN'T talk to them, because I've got friends who are guys that I still like to talk to. I'm not into being hypocritical. But that suspicion just will naturally creep up on me, and I'm stuck with this ongoing battle of trust inside because I don't want to offend said boyfriend, but I don't want to keep thinking he's flirting with someone else.
I really get down sometimes, too. Like, I’ll just be sitting there, thinking about my life, and all the shit floods up and out, like how single I am, how I wonder why no one wants me, how I think about everything I need to change in order to be attractive/dateable, and I just break down and end up crying myself to sleep. That’s actually happened WAAAAAAAAAAY too many times for me to count. I sit there, feeling like crap, and that’s where the depression comes in. I have had two instances where I was almost going to attempt suicide. I don’t know what held me back, but I thank God it did. I want to say I love my life, since it’s full of loving people and things not everyone else has, but how can I truly say that when I don’t feel happy? I constantly feel like there’s some sort of void in my heart, preventing me from being who I want, who I am. I don’t enjoy feeling like this. But who can I talk to that will understand? Certainly not my parents. They’ll freak, call me mental and throw me into some sort of psych ward. Or, even worse, say I’m fine and do nothing at all. I can’t tell my best friend, because I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I hate keeping things from people, but at the same time, where can I go where no one I trust will judge me?
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yeah, I know that’s an old saying, but it applies. Either I fess up and deal with everyone freaking out on me and possible medication, or keep it inside and fight the monster that is depression. (Jesus Christ, where is this post going?) I feel like I have no option here. (No that doesn’t mean I’m committing suicide or anything, so don’t freak out.) I just feel lost in myself, without direction or motivation to leave the darkness that is my heart and mind. But, I’m not always depressed, either, because I have had happy moments in my life. It just feels like they’re outweighed by the negative.
Now, it could just be my inability to step back and count my blessings. Or it could be that I just choose not to focus on the present and future, and I spend my moments thinking about how I could have changed the past or the things I could have done differently. I feel like I just focus on the past, the old scars, and the old heartbreaks instead of moving onto a new part of my life. I should just move on, but that’s always easier said than done. My mind’s accustomed to dwelling in the past and beating myself up for things either I didn’t see, wasn’t able to change, or was too dumb to see. Which, I might add, are perfectly okay reasons to be upset over, but only to a degree. I can’t seem to accept the fact that the past has happened, and I can’t change anything.
I feel like everything I do sometimes is just wrong. I wish I can change who I am to be what everyone wants, but I don’t want to lose who I am. I’m only just discovering who I am. As I’ve said before, I feel lost. Like, in the middle of the sea of loneliness and confusion, and my only companion is misery. (What the actual fuck is going on with this post. I have no clue how this relates to the beginning.)

This is why me liking someone is a disaster. It drags up a WHOLE BUNCH of pointless, negative, and destructive shit that ends up only hurting me. And this is why I think love is fucking stupid.

Peace, Love, Destruction,
VictoriaXO