It's bigger, and scarier, it's corrupt and evil, things go wrong, things die, people die, hearts break, it's a bad, terrible place...What happened to being a kid? What happened to playing on the swings in the park with my gran and grandpa, or jumping around in the paddling pool with my little brother, or those petty arguments you have with your friends when they break your Barbie doll? Damn...I want things to be simple, I'm sick of death, and hurt. When did felt tip pens turn into razorblades? Or apple juice into alcohol? It's times like these that I wish I could just disappear, for a few hours or forever. I don't care. I just don't know what to say or do anymore. I can't help but look over to my little brother, and feel sorry for him, he's just growing up, he's about to experience all these things, in a year or two...I don't want to grow up, I don't want to pass 18. If the world is a scary place now, then I don't want to know what it's like in 10, 20, maybe 30 years. And I'm blaming myself for what's happened, 'cause I feel like I'm to blame, I could have helped, I should have been there more. There were so many signs and I just ignored them, brushed them off to be unimportant. And I'm glad he's alright, 'cause I couldn't cope if he'd succeeded. My god, I'm crying as I'm writing this. Why wasn't I there, four nights ago? Why didn't I notice...I haven't seen him in over a week, but that's no excuse, I could have done more...I should have...I'm such a terrible friend. And now I'm saying the usual, 'You can always come talk to me' 'You can't ever do that again' 'Don't ever leave us, we all love you too much' ...But I know I should have done more, prevention is better than cure, is what they told us while we were trekking in India...I could have prevented this, I'm sure of it, then I wouldn't be telling him these things now...If only I'd known. God, the guilt I'm feeling right now. It feels like I've been punched in the stomach with an iron fist. I probably deserve to be...Why wasn't I there that night? Why didn't I talk to him before? I'm so glad he's alright now...Dear god, I'm glad he's okay now. ♥
