Regress...

Ursulla's picture

Regress...

I keep noticing myself regressing, rather than progressing. I'm not sure what has brought it all back but it's definitely happening again. When I was younger I suffered from social and night anxiety. Both of which come hand and hand, everytime one comes back the other finds a way to creep back in as well. I left my dorm today, during the day, for the first time in weeks. Usually I sleep during the day because my night anxiety prevents me from sleeping at night, but today I was awoken by my roommate who has been concerned about my well-being, she asked me to take a walk with her, so I washed up and I joined her. The sun is extremely bright and extremely potent. So my eyes unconsciously begin to water and my skin grows irritated but I didn't want to alarm my roommate so I kept it to myself. I felt very brave for doing so and thought that I was maybe beginning to take a step forward but then I noticed that she seemed to have a destination, it wasn't just an aimless walk. She told me that we were going to be having lunch in the dining hall. Keep in mind that I haven't been in any kind of a social situation in a little over a month and a half. I agreed, again, not trying to set off any red flags in her mind. I quickly began to panick. There was so many people in that cafeteria, probably having to do with the fact that it was noon and people were racing in to pick up lunch. There was running and pushing. People were having loud conversations and shuffling around, I couldn't even hear myself think. It was the worst, I broke down within seconds. Paranoia seeped in and I instantly felt watched and judged and that was way too big of a step for me.

So then I sped back to the comfort of my room and pulled on a sweater just to make extra sure that I was okay. So now I sit here wondering, what is the next step?
-The Ego's Name Is Ursulla