Kay so the other day i did something i wasn't suppose to. i lost my virginity. I think? I don't know it's just that it happen so fast. I saw it coming but i didn't stop. We moved from making out on the couch to making out on the bed, then under the sheets. He slowly removed my undies, i guess he was waiting for my reaction. i didn't stop him, so i guess a gave him an okay. In that moment i knew it was gonna happen, i didn't want my first time to be like that. i guess i expect more, something romantic not just hormones.Don't get me wrong i love my bf and we've been together for a year and half now. Just i'm not sure. It hurt. i knew it was going to. I'm just in shock in what had happen. I kinda feel different. I grew up thinking that all boys ever wanted is sex. But i always felt that my bf was different. Those thoughts just get in my mind. Like the next day he just told me how much he loved me, and thoughts of people saying "all they want is sex" came in my head.i know my boyfriend loves. There some songs that he has on his iPod that talk about fucking and how they got their way with girls, they offend me. i'm not sure why. Maybe because we did it. I told him to keep it between and he said of course that it was OUR thing. But now i really need to talk to someone about it, i have questions. I don't want to turn to close friends cause i'm worried they'll look at me differently. I also can't tell anyone cause i told him to keep it between us.
***He used a condom. I asked him constantly. i was scared, last thing i want is to get pregnant. He had told me if i ever let him he would definitely use one. That's another thing, it kinda bug me that it was on his mind. i want to spend the rest of my life with him but it's hard cause you have people telling you you won't make it. One day it'll all be over. I'm not stupid that's still in my mind there is that chance we'll break up. I mean like fuck i lost my virginity to my first boyfriend. He lost his to me too but he had 3 girlfriends before me. He says i'm the one. But i feel like he deserves better. I just really need to talk to some one. I want to talk to my friend but i rarely see him now, maybe he'll understand me.
