i don't understand myself

sweet_revenge96's picture

i don't understand myself

i thought i was finally happy but i find myself crying over little things like i just pushed everything aside with out dealing with them. now i find myself more depress than before. i have a boyfriend and sometimes i feel like he brings me down. i know he doesn't mean it but his words hurt and i don't mention it cause i don't want to seems sensitive. i feel like we don't belong together because i'm that shy girl and he's the out going guy that makes very laugh and 3/4 of the school probably knows him and 1/8 of the knows me, and that's that we go to a small school. i feel like i don't deserve him and some times he tells me that. "Babe i can't believe we're together and mean i'm a super cool awesome guy and your an emo chick" and that hurts but he just says that to be stupid. he told me the other day how these two girls like him and how before he met me he really wanted a girlfriend but he couldn't find anyone and now that he has me, girls start liking him. how the fuck is that suppose to make me feel -.- he doesn't let me wear make up which i hate cause i feel more like myself when i wear eyeliner but i understand i do look better with out it but just the fact that i can't wear bugs me. Last time he told me that i shouldn't post pics on facebook cause my pics don't look good, yeah how is that suppose to help my self esteem. now every time i log on i look at my pics thinking what's wrong with them. But i love this guy he means a lot to me, his my first boyfriend, my first love, we've been together for a year and 5 months. sometimes i do think of breaking up with him because he brings me down but he was the one that rose me up from my depression, i guess it was the attention i got for him was the thing that made me feel special but i feel like things aren't the same and i'm to blame to. i'm not the worlds perfect girlfriend. he tries to get closer to me but i keep everything in and i don't share much. he's very judgemental to other people so i feel like even though he says he won't judge me in his head he'll be judging me. he told me to write him a letter but i don't feel that spark i had before it comes and goes. but i feel like he change, he's not the same we use to have things in common and now we have nothing. maybe i'm just saying all these things because i'm sad but i don't want to break up with him. he tells me how in the future we're gunna have a family and get marry 8 years from now. well this is just me venting i'm sure no body will read this which cool i just needed to let it out.