.Coming to a Realization.

.SuChan.'s picture

.Coming to a Realization.

Lately, I've been stalling. Okay, that's not something I want to admit. But sooner or later I'll have to admit it. So, YES, I have been stalling. I've been saving money to start college. Start with the general education that most have to finish and go through. :\ Ugh. Anyway, I was ... I don't know what I was. All I know is that I Googled: “How to get into Yale”. The responses I read were so... hopeless. Like, you can't get in unless you’re a freaking genius or have super money coming out from... your pockets. xD I exaggerate, but that's how it felt.

After feeling hopeless and... like nothing, I decided to Google: Best schools for psychology in U.S. ... And, of course, I got a list... multiple lists. So I click on the first one and see: Stanford.

Now, consider this: You've honestly lived your life in a small room. Sheltered. No sleep-overs until you were 14 or 15. You're first favorite band was Barbra Streisand. You've never heard of All American Rejects until you were in middle school. You've moved to a different state and kind of given up on making new REAL friends. The kind of friend that you call a sister or brother. You've moved to a state where (at the time) was really, really closed off. A state where they've never seen a colored person period. (Or so they made it feel.) And it's the middle, basically end of the school year. Also, just throw it in, you've now been moved to a place where the education isn't as high as it was from where you first were. You've basically been set back a whole year or more in your education.

Think about this: A life where you trust someone but hate that you trust them. A life where you excel because you have to and because it's easy. A life where, by excelling, you "get what you want". A life where the first real choice you had was how short to cut my hair and whether it was layered. A life where at some point the insults were enough. You've had it. So starving, excessive exercise and cutting were good and made you feel good. A life where everything was a big fat lie.

Now, move on a little. Let's say to high school. Excelling is great. But now there's this whole different pressure: What do YOU want to be when you graduate? Where would you like to study? I for one, never thought of it. Okay, I did, but it was very influenced. And when I spoke of it, they accepted it. BUT later, when I brought it up, it wasn't accepted. I was... sad. But I didn't care. It wasn't a top priority. It never felt that way. So I let myself be influenced and accepted the other school as an option.

Although, by accepting that other school, I let go of something: My will, need, want to excel. I saw around me that people got by with average or lower grades and such. So I felt like I didn't need to push myself as I always did. Leading to my initial downfall. My grades dropping, my standards, and my social status (e.g. the people I associated with). Everything that was me fell. And the worst part: I didn't care. I was angry. Everyone around me was average or less and they got by. Why did I have to push myself? Why couldn't I be average? Now I know why: Because it's not me.

So back to now. I found Stanford. And in all honesty, I've never really heard of the school. I've heard of Harvard (duh, even the rats know that name) and I've also heard of Yale. But Stanford wasn't a name I'd heard before. Or that I can recall ever hearing.

All know is this: I want to go there. It's the first time I ever felt like I truly WANT to go to some university. It took fourteen years. Why so long?! Because the people around me were all mediocre. They just wanted to get accepted in state colleges if that. This isn’t bad. In no way is this bad but it isn't me. I'm more. I know it. WE all are. We just have a tendency of... not wanting to push ourselves because we are accepted as we are, faults and everything. :)

So now my struggle is this: How to convince the people in charge of recruiting new Stanford kids that I am worthy and genius enough, that I can handle whatever boulder, ocean, or mountain they can afford to throw at me, and that I honestly just want to be there to study, regardless of my previous years in high school?

Right now I have to start over. A whole new level of “starting over”. It might take 2 years. It might take twenty. I don't give a damn. For the first time, I feel like: Hey, you want it. Go for it. It's what you should have aimed for in the beginning.