My Chemical Romance: The Reason I Kept On Fighting

"I am going to kill myself."

It was June of 2008 and those words had formed the only thought that went through my head. They greeted me every afternoon when I opened my eyes and stayed with me until I closed them again an hour later. My lack of energy, inability to drag myself out of bed and the black hole of depression giving it the fuel it needed to continue. No longer was it a matter of thinking about ending my life; instead, it was now just figuring out the how, when and where. I had nothing to hope for, anyways, my mind bitterly reminded me.


Barely a week of spending 99% of my time in bed - the other 1% spent in the bathroom excreting and forcing myself to throw up - had gone by when I developed a suicide plan. While I won't get into details, it involved a knife, wrists, pills and a window. It seemed to be the only logical solution at that moment: my future seemed too far away to reach, my past didn't matter anymore and the present felt unbearable. What else was I supposed to do other than end my pain? Or, at least, that's how my depressed and hazy mind thought then.


I was all ready to go through with things when my friend called. She said that she wanted me to sleep over. To be honest, I didn't want to go. My energy level was too low to get out of bed, never mind have fun with another person. Then I reminded myself what I was going to do and how this would be a great way to say goodbye. Thinking that all this pain was going to end soon gave me a small energy boost and so I agreed to go. Little did I know then that when I came back my world would be changed completely.


Only a few hours into my stay at her house, we hopped onto the computer. Back then, her homepage was http://www.mychemicalromance.com. I hadn't heard about them and was ready to leave the website when I heard music start to play. At the time, the band was promoting The Black Parade is Dead! and an automatic start video advertising it was on the front page. The sound, made up of fragments of songs, filled my ears completely. For a few seconds, the rest of the world went away. I felt OK for the first time in my life.


When the video finally ended, I felt as if I had gone to sleep and awoken in a totally different state of mind. While I was still very depressed, I was longer planning on killing myself and I felt well enough to function. Energy filled my being and I had to learn more about this band. My friend told me all about them, let me listen to their songs on her iPod and we continued to read all about the band on the internet for hours following.


By the time I got home the next day, I was on a music rush. I spent the next week dragging myself out of bed to listen to My Chemical Romance. They became my reason to wake up; my reason to breath; my reason to hold on to hope. I went out and bought all their CDs, watched Life on the Murder Scene and slowly recovered my strength. By Friday of that week, I was sitting in the car with my father thinking, "I'm still really depressed, but I'm still alive and can kind of smile. Last week, the only reason I could possibly think of that I would still be living today is if I failed."


Since then, My Chemical Romance have become a big part of my life. They keep me safe in those horribly desperate moments; help me cope with what seems like insanity; and, even after all these listens, still manage to pull me above water when I start to drown. Finally, here is music that speaks for me, sticking by my side in the darkest moments.