I need your honest opinion, even if it hurts
I had a fight with my friend.
It started when she gave me this look again: ._.
In other words, she wasn't smiling.
Usually, I would try my best to make her smile. And I did.
But she didn't smile still. Then, she said she's too tired to smile.
I wanted to know why is she tired. I made an assumption that she must have tired from working out earlier.
She then told me that she didn't want to workout.
I gasped and relieved a little. (Not that working out is a bad thing--she's been doing it way too much and way over-fatigue. She would complain about the pain which would got me worried and strictly recommended her to rest.)
But then, she suddenly said, "I should workout."
I got confused.
She later said, "I should deal with myself."
And I thought something might be wrong with her.
This was actually the first time we finally talked again since I've been gone away for one whole week.
I asked if something's up. She said that it's okay and that she needed nothing.
But I really need to know what's up, because I just couldn't bear from not knowing it. It would depresses me if I don't know the truth.
But she kept saying "I don't know" and "Nothing" and such, that it frustrated me more.
So, I sent her a confession of how she was being a bad friend.
I said this:
"I am always a nuisance to you, especially now. And I am now no longer a useful friend for you. No matter what I do, you'll say you're tired and give me that look. And I'm sure if I ever leave this country just to visit you, you will be the same. I am going to be honest with you. I may have told you before, maybe a thousand times now, but I have to tell you again. You depresses me so much, it literally hurt my head and heart because I keep wondering what I am doing wrong to you. But then, I realized your other personality which I have long forgotten that you even had one--until now: you don't care about anything, anyone--not even me, not even yourself. Maybe at least you care about yourself, but that doesn't make you a good person. That doesn't make you a beautiful person. And that doesn't make you anywhere better. I have said before: this is your life, so do or be whatever you want. as long as it brings good things in your life and to anyone who cares about you. The point I wanted to make is that I need to know more about what kind of nothing that have happened in your life. I need to know everything, and nothing. I need to know it all. Because I can't stop being sad and depressed without knowing anything. I just need to know anything, something, nothing. Even the littlest things."
But then, she replied one of the words that annoyed me a lot: "What".
I just don't understand her anymore. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my friend. And that stresses me so much because most of the things that would make her smile--doesn't work on her anymore.
She apologized after I said that she was a bad friend. But I didn't want an apology--I wanted clear answers.
And yet, she gave me the same answers.
And then, for once--she said something else. She told me to stop asking shitty question and shut up. She doesn't want to hear anyone anymore.
I got my answers. It was clear and honest--hurtful but honest.
So, I said to her that I won't talk to her until she want to.
I woke up and checked on her facebook wall posts. Those posts were around six hours ago--those posts were about some stupid, funny anime memes and gags that she shared. And on the comments, most of her comments were happy comments, some with "XD" emoticon.
So, I just don't understand what is up with her until I made a thought that maybe...I am the bad friend here. Maybe she was tired of talking to me.
Maybe she has no interest in talking to me anymore. Maybe I am really useless to her all the time. Maybe I really am a nuisance person to her. Maybe I am a bad friend of her.
But maybe it was because God made my prayer came true....
Before I checked facebook, I was having flashbacks of the fight. I sat down on the floor under the hot shower, having the song "Pieces" played as I "meditate" with my thoughts. I needed to know what I did wrong and if the things I did were wrong, if it was really my fault.
My mind and heart opened up a suggestion to ask God for help. I finished showering, dressed myself proper, washed myself properly before praying and took a translated Al-Quran and some books of doa'. After I prayed, I performed a doa'. I made tons of doa' that hopefully would work, but most of the doa' are doa' for myself. So, I made my own doa' for my friend.
I asked to God to sacrifice my happiness, my goodness, my richfulness, and my rewards, and give them all to my friend, because I have done wrong to her the most, eventhough she done wrong to me as well. I talked to God that I am no longer useful for her anymore, that I am nothing to her now. Nothing that I do for her would make her smile again. I once said to her that if the thing I do for her will make her smile, I would smile with her in honesty. Because I feel glad that something I did made her smile. But now, I'm sad and depressed because the things I do for her now....they didn't make her smile. I didn't make her smile, and therefore that didn't make me smile. And there I was, asking God for help because I have no power to make her smile anymore. All I could asked for is to sacrifice all the good things about me, and give them all to her so she could smile.
So, I guess when I noticed she was happy in those comments, maybe God made it all happen. Eventhough I'm glad to see her smile again, but I don't feel like I accomplished anything. Like all her smiles aren't for me to smile back. All her happiness aren't for me to feel glad.
Though, it kinda make sense when I think about it...but I just....I just feel like...nothing now.
At this moment, I don't know what to do or if I should do something.
I could just apologize to her and tell her that I realize that I'm the bad friend.
And tell her that I prayed to God that I sacrifice mine for hers.
And if I want to be happy for the things I do, I should look for someone else and make that friend smile, and with that smile, I would smile.
But I'm not sure about it. I might have done the same thing before to my other friends, but they didn't effect me more than she does.
I just don't know.