*HONEST OPINIONS PLEASE! I WAS A LITTLE JUMBLED IN THIS ONE! TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!*
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Love and Rosie
A couple times my mouth hung open and my head dipped down only to snap me back awake. I didn’t understand why the fuck I was so tired, but I was. I got plenty of sleep the night before, but had bad dreams all throughout. I was tired, tired of things, tired of myself, and tired in general. I took hold of the side of the counter and leaned forward, trying to circulate the blood flow again. I was stiff from standing there all the day. It was about four in the afternoon and our regulars hadn’t buzzed through the door, demanding a drink. I was surprised by this – usually the place would be packed. I didn’t even remember what day it was anymore and frankly I didn’t care. What did it matter anyway? It was just a day, no longer something to look forward to. It dragged on again, going by ever so slowly right before my eyes. Gerard must have taken that, too – my ability to actually cease the day and enjoy it for what it’s worth. I felt shattered and so alone. I was tucked up in my little cocoon just wanting to break free. I was done with sleeping and wasting, I never thought I needed another man to help me realize that, though.
I found it rather sad I was having a hard time staying as positive as I could without Gerard. Sure he was special to me when he was around, but now he was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I needed to fucking move on even if it had been only been a day. I was whining and that scared the shit out of me. What was happening to me? I was slowly morphing into something I knew I wasn’t. I had doubts all along, Gerard wouldn’t even stop for a minute and talk to me about it because he claims there isn’t anything to discuss. What I was doing, the way I was acting, it wasn’t me. It never has been. I couldn’t grasp the concept as to why and when things suddenly changed. It was obvious it was cause by Gerard but when did this all turn upside down? Why was he so special among all the other people in this town? I knew the answer, and I had said it to myself many times before, but right now I just pushed it away not really wanting it to be the solution. I was – or had been – influenced by a man who gave me something I have been craving all my life and instantly I developed feelings for him. But he was a man, men are dirty, perverted, rough, mean, cruel unlike women who are fruity, passionate, happy, and pretty. Gerard was a man I knew that for sure but why was I giving into him? Why was I leaning my whole body, mentally, onto him? He was a stranger to me, now. No longer apart of something so much more and I needed to accept that. Gerard was gone and gone for good. And maybe I should be happy about it. I didn’t know if I wanted to be gay, if I was ready to change myself that way. I kept telling myself everything about it was wrong. I’m a man; he’s a man that’s it. Buddies, not lovers. Men, not gays. Friends, not a couple. But then why was I so torn about his disappearance from my apartment the night before? Maybe because it was my fault he had run off. Everything had been taken away once he walked out my front door because of me and my big mouth.
I walked in circles around and behind the bar counter. I thought of stepping outside for air but then deciding against it. I wasn’t sure what had led me to my decision; it just seemed to dangerous out in the big bad world all of a sudden. I was afraid I would walk back out onto the sidewalk and then become lost.
After walking around and around for what seemed like forever I went back behind the counter to my post and set my head on the hard, cold wood. I moaned quietly to myself, feeling warmth on the tip of my nose as my skin adjusted to the surface. Why had I been so stupid? I fucked up bad. I braced myself with my hands making sure my face didn’t fall against the counter. My head was riddled with diseased thoughts and careless threats placed not to anyone in the restaurant, not to Gerard, but to me; forcing myself to be afraid of me, myself, and I – not at the things on the outside. I had been going back and forth, blaming myself for what had happened and then blaming other things, other people for my idiocy. I wish I could rewind time and undo everything I had said. Staring with the day I asked him what I could for him. It was all just a big mistake and though I felt like a pansy saying it all, it was true, I felt like I was falling apart.
I didn’t find it possible to know you loved someone in just four days. But I just proved myself wrong, not eight hours ago did I just prove – my theory, my belief – wrong. I could feel my lungs swell inside as I thought about it. I hated people telling me I was wrong, but now I was telling myself that I was wrong. I was living breathing proof. I loved Gerard, not confessing until I knew for sure. We kissed and we touched nothing more than that but after all of that – how could I not love him? It was such a strong word, though. Used (mostly) between man and women! A word designed to intertwine souls and feelings to form into one! I was getting nervous just thinking about it. I could only imagine how he felt when the sentence tumbled out of my mouth like a fucking wave washing him away. Love was something so pure that it shouldn’t even be real. Love isn’t real, love is just a word, it’s the feeling that people get that is the scariest. Though the sound of the word does make my skin crawl, the actual feeling….
I stopped and my brain changed to a different theme. I didn’t know what had done it but an epiphany popped into my mind, changing my life probably for years and years to come. I knew deep down inside me, no matter what people tell me – everyone feels love differently. Love is the emotion that forms to each person’s soul, changing them forever, making them who they are. Love is unique. And although Gerard probably knew this more than anyone he still ran away from it; literally. He was not to blame, though. Love, not just the word but the essence is a scary. I wasn’t truly frightened of speaking it until now that I gave myself time to think of everything other than cursing myself out.
All I wanted to do right then was apologize. I knew he didn’t think I said that to scare him, to hurt him. I didn’t know how that was possible – but I knew if I just opened my mind a little more that I would understand. But I needed his help with that. I needed him by my side because I knew I had so much more to learn. It was only the beginning, a day of confrontation, a week of what he would call passion. I wasn’t about to give up, that was out of the question, totally and completely out of my mind. Gerard was something worth fighting for. If he loved me, too or not.
…
“You know,” an unfamiliar voice crowded my thinking space and forced me to snap out of my day dreaming. “You look like hell.” I smiled, instantly recognizing that tone anywhere. It was Rosie, dear sweet Rosie, one of the many waitresses at the restaurant. I talked to her a few times, engaged in casual conversation – but she was my best friend. We haven’t talked in a while. I honestly haven’t noticed her presence throughout the place at all. She had a high amount of energy so she wasn’t very easy to miss. Her hair was a strawberry blonde, it turned lighter in the spring and summer months which made her look more like a California girl than anything else. She didn’t belong under the common dreary Jersey skies. This place didn’t deserve her happy demeanor. Her cheeks were constantly rosy and cupped in a smile; she had clear dimples like dry puddles in her skin. Her skin itself was a pale color. It didn’t tan very easily and she wasn’t the one for a tanning bed. You could call her a tomboy but then again she was far from such. “Hey!” My perky voice suddenly flooded through again, “Where have you been?” She giggled and showed her bright white and straight teeth. “I’ve been on vacation all week, Frank. I told you that!” I thought back to the week before. It was weird – I couldn’t remember her telling me anything of the sorts and now that I thought about it, I couldn’t remember much of anything. Only Gerard was on my mind and the week we had together. “Oh, uh, totally forgot.” She giggled once more, “Yeah, I can tell.” Although her face was stern her tone was caring and gentile. She was one of the people who had two sides to herself but she knows how to control them. “Where did you go?” I questioned as she pushed against me. Somehow she slipped behind the counter without me noticing. I was in a daze but was coming to, slowly from the sounds of her words. “Tampa.” She replied with a quirky grin. She was always a happy person but like everybody she had her bad days. “Did you enjoy yourself? No tan I see.” She hit my side in a playful manor coming off as slightly annoyed. “It was fun thank you very much.” I let my teeth show bear between my lips. It felt like I hadn’t smiled in years. “How’ve you been? Feels like forever since I’ve seen my Frankie.” That was her pet name for me: Frankie. I didn’t mind it especially on days like these where my head and common sense were no where to be found. “I know. Want to go out tonight?” I needed to get away from the thoughts and feeling and Rosie was the perfect one to do that with. She and I were so close, ever since I walked in through those doors.
When I first began my brutal job at the bar she was the first one to approach me, other than that crazy fucker who yelled at me for not wearing the proper dress attire. She had been my first friend in this dreaded place.
She nudged me again blinking erratically, “That sounds great. Same place same time?” I nodded accepting the venue idea. Rosie and I always went to the same place every time we hung out, which wasn’t often. I felt horrible thinking and saying it but I had forgotten about her. She didn’t make me swell with happiness like Gerard did but she was still a friend, someone I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten about. I felt terrible, but like she said – she was on vacation. How was I supposed to remember when she was gone or not? But I thought more, thinking to myself that I didn’t need to know where she was going, but I could at least know and remember she was my friend. I hung my head low after she walked away. My “Inner Bitch” had been evident in me for the longest time. I took her for granted and I couldn’t do that. I buried my head in my hands feeling absolutely fucked up. What was I turning into?
Sooner than I expected Rosie walked back over behind the counter with me, brushing her hand up and down my arm. “You don’t look to good, Frank.” I looked at her, her gleaming and glowing eyes burned through my skin. It was like I didn’t even know her, that she was a stranger to me. She was far from that – but it didn’t feel that way. I still felt completely alone with her standing right next to me. Her touch wasn’t familiar unlike her cheery voice. I tried to brush this off, but I couldn’t this was something I just couldn’t believe. The initial shock of her sudden presence lighted me up, but now, it was a mix of emotions. But of course – it wasn’t her fault. It was mine. Everything was my fault. I felt my head ache. “Rosie,” I stepped away from her stroking hand. “Maybe tonight isn’t such a good idea.” She took her hand away and nodded. I watched her hair bob up and down out of the corner of my eye. “Sorry. Like you said, I look like hell.” She laughed, squinted her eyes, and scrunched up her nose. “I feel like hell, too.” She nodded again, her smile fading. “I understand.” She left me, leaning the side of my body she was standing next to exposed to the cold air. I watched her walk back into the kitchen and wished she would just come back. I sighed into my hands. I was just messing up like crazy.
