*SORRY THAT THIS WAS SHORT AND LATE.*
Chapter Thirty-Four
A Wound Not Yet Healed
Days went by, a week at the most. Everyday after work I would go to his house and we would paint for hours and hours until our fingers ached and minds stopped working. They were the best days of my life. Things seemed to clear up for me. My doubts on everything were disappearing, I wasn’t giving life enough credit – Gerard was teaching me all these things and he was doing it because he cared. It was in his nature to help people, to help me. I have still yet to save him but I was determined I would someday when the time is right. I was going to repay him for everything. It wasn’t because I thought I had to but because I really wanted to. I never would have paid someone back in the past. I would have shrugged their good deed off as a pity deed. This was nothing like that. Gerard was different from all the fucked up people in the world. I wasn’t able to compare him to anything or anyone because he was one of a kind. Unique. And to this day, that’s what I love about him the most.
Each and every time I left the house the king of hearts card would be stuffed in my pocket neatly so not to wrinkle and fold the corners. I wouldn’t go anywhere without it. It turned into a part of me, something that could just as easily break into a million pieces. But this one thing was special. This one thing was given to me by the man who was changing my life one lecture at a time. I was the king of hearts. In other words Gerard told me I was the kind of his heart, holding it and protecting it from harm and others. I felt fucking honored to have such a roll. That’s all I ever wanted. He trusted me with his heart and that was a pretty big thing to trust someone with. I would never hurt him. I promised myself this, and I promised him this in my own ways. His heart would forever be mine. I would hold it carefully and make sure nothing breaks it. And I knew he will do the same for me.
…
“Come on! Let’s go!” I rolled my eyes, letting Rosie lead me out of the bar and into the open spring air. I grew warmer each and every day making people strip from their winter attire. I had finally allowed Rosie to invite me out despite my constant pleading for her to just leave me be, she didn’t seem to stop. She said it would be good for me to get out and see people and the only thing I wanted was to go and see Gerard. She was so persistent, though. I knew she was only doing it because she cared to. But not in the same was Gerard did. That was something totally different.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Although I knew it was better for her that she just leave me to my depressed self, she knew how to make me smile uncontrollably. Her contagious giggle and her bright eyes captured you and sucked you in making your face light up like her’s. I don’t know how the fuck she does it but she’s pretty damn good at it.
I still didn’t get the feeling her and I were ever close. The memory of our relationship before her coming back from vacation escaped my mind and left me empty. “Where do you wanna go?” I looked to my side for a minute hoping something would magically pop out at me, but when nothing did I simply turned back to her and shrugged my shoulders. She then let out a playful smile and sigh. “Well, then let’s just walk around!” She took her hand into mine. I reluctantly took it but with pure hesitation. She felt this and probably saw it and let my hand go, it dropped back down to my side like dead weight. A shot of embarrassment coursed through me. “How’ve ya been, Frank?” Her question caught me off guard at first. I took it to offense, thinking she was hinting at something I didn’t know she knew. “Um, fine. You?”
“I’ve been better.” I raised my brows.
Although the memory of our closer relationship was distant in my mind the mere attitude and personality of this girl was still intact. She never ever complained. She had a sailor’s mouth but she always had an optimist’s outlook on the whole world so hearing this answer coming from her shocked me a bit. I had never heard her be negative without joking. I became worried and wanted to know more but was too afraid to dip into a conversation I might not have been allowed to enter. I was saved from thinking any longer because she spoke again, sounding happy and lighthearted. “You seem to be doing better this week! What changed?” My head shot up, my eyes met with her’s in an intense gaze. “Nothing changed, Rosie.” I chimed in. I couldn’t let her find out about Gerard. I didn’t know why I wanted to keep it a secretly. That was a lie. I wanted to keep it a secretly mainly because of my mother. She doesn’t really take to gays very well. I never wanted to fall to her bad side. But then again I was her son. What was she gonna do about it? “Okay, fine, you don’t have to tell me.” I squinted my eyes and looked at her for another moment. “Why are you so convinced something happened?” She stuck out her bottom lip and shook her head. “I’m not convinced. I’m just messin’ with ya, Frank.” I scoffed, walked on. Rosie wasn’t he kind to mess around. Sure she would crack some jokes and make people laugh but joking about this kind of stuff wasn’t like her.
“Oh! Let’s go here!” She pointed across the street at a small restaurant with dull light windows. It didn’t look like a very nice place, “It looks like shit from the outside,” Rosie assured me, “but the inside is fucking awesome.” She grabbed my hand again but this time there was no awkwardness. I let her’s slide into my smoothly. She pulled me along behind her and I let myself be led. Maybe this was going to be a fun night. Maybe I did need some time away from Gerard.
…
“We should totally get this.” Rosie pushed over her menu and pointed at an appetizer. It was stuffed red bell peppers with some type of secret sauce. They looked interesting. “It looks weird but it’s super good.” She took her menu back and began reading again.
The atmosphere was nice just like she had said it would be. The dim lit lights reflected off of the big glass windows separating us from the outside world. It was a unique place. I felt safe and cozy inside especially with Rosie by my side. I was warming up to her more so than I would have thought. She was a sweet girl and a good friend. Mysterious in a way but I liked her. She was trying to make me feel better, wasn’t she? She was looking out for me, just like Gerard. It was nice to know someone else cared. But Rosie was just a friend and wouldn’t be anything more. I hoped she knew that. I was never good at telling girls (the few that I ever had in my life) that things weren’t working out, or they were getting the wrong impression. It’s not that I was shy about it; it was that I had feelings. Everyone does but I tend to have a little more than other men. I certainly didn’t enjoy thinking about it. I made myself out to be a fucking pansy in the world of stronger men. I wanted to be strong like them. From the moment I stepped into school I knew I was different, physically due to my abnormal height, mentally because I was miserable, and emotionally because I was sensitive to shit and to other people’s feelings. It definitely put me at the bottom of the food chain throughout high school. Even now in my early thirties was I still met with the dreaded hormones of my body. And this case with Rosie, sitting here in a restaurant with a girl as perky as a puppy. It seemed impossible to kill her radiant glow. It was just always there, apart of her. I didn’t want to be the one who cause her to stop shinning. I didn’t want to kill her. I was beginning to realize that she was more like the sun, not me. She was the bright and never ending light. I was not. I wanted to be like her and I wanted to be like Gerard too. I wondered if I could have the best of both worlds.
She had been talking the whole time but her words were nothing but faint buzzing in my ear. I wasn’t proud of myself for tuning her out but I had to. I needed time to think alone. I knew she was just trying to make me feel better but I needed to recall everything. What had happened over the past few days? What was happening? Realization after realization kept pouring into my mind, causing my mouth to drop. “Frank?” Her voice came through the thick barrier I had set up my eyes widened. My gasping and mouth dropping didn’t match up with what she had been talking about. I was caught. “Frank what are you doing?” There was still a clear smile on her cheeks but her voice was serious. She knew I was thinking about other things. “Yes?” I didn’t know what I was going to do, what I was going to say. I was screwed. “What’s wrong?” Rosie placed her hand atop of mine. I turned my head away, forcing my eyes to stare across the room to a lovely gay couple sipping coffee. They looked so happy, so carefree. It sort of reminded me of Gerard and I only we had never flaunted our loving relationship to the outside world. I suddenly didn’t want to be there with Rosie. I wanted Gerard holding the top of my hand; I wanted him sitting across from me. I wanted that gay couple across from us to be staring back, smiling because they knew what we had. “Frank, Frank what’s wrong? Did I say something?” I had to look back at her if only for a moment but when my eyes drifted to her’s I found I couldn’t look away again. I needed to see her just like Gerard. Fuck, everything brought me back to him.
“I’m sorry, Rosie. I’m just not myself anymore.”
“I know that, Frank.” I buried my face into my hands. “It’s okay; I’m just playin’ with ya.” I shook my head with my head still down like I was hiding from her. “I just want to be able to have a good time with you.” I heard her sigh to herself. I wasn’t supposed to hear it but I did and that’s when I had to stare at her again. I didn’t want her to worry; I didn’t want her to no have fun. I was just so fucking confused.
She began to take her hand a way but I took it into my own. “I’m fine. Ya know what? I’m better than fine.” She smiled even wider. Even though I was lying she found my answer to be good enough. “Oh my gosh, Frank! I forgot to tell you!” I raised my eyes from staring at the table and let out a curious ‘Hmm?’ “I found a new job!”
“Really?” My heart sank but I didn’t let it show. She was so happy – “Yeah! It’s nearer to the city! Real nice place and real nice pay.” She gave me a wink. “That’s great, Rosie! I’m so happy for you.” I gave her a weak smile. I was just getting used to her (again.) Nothing made sense to me unless her and Gerard and now she was leaving from my everyday life. “They – they have another spot open, too.” I cocked my head. I knew what she was talking about – she wanted me to come with her… “Rosie, you know I can’t do that. I can’t risk everything again.”
“I know. I just though –…”
“No. Thank you but no.” I didn’t want to talk about this right now. It just wasn’t a good time. This wasn’t why I went out to dinner with her. “I’m sorry. Let’s talk about something else.” I was about to nod in agreement when my phone in my pocket began to buzz over and over again, indicating I had a call. I held my finger up, she nodded her head and took a sip of her drink.
I pulled the device out of the deep black hole of my pant’s pocket. I kept ringing and ringing. I didn’t bother taking a look at the screen. I flipped it open and put it up to my ear. “Hello?” There was some slight static on the other end but soon an all too familiar voice come through the receiver. “Frankie!?” I gasped and looked at Rosie with wide terrified eyes. “Frankie, it’s mommy!” I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. She never called me – this was a first. I didn’t even know she had my number. “Mom…why – what’s up?” There was more silence as I waited for a response. When my mother’s voice came back through something shot through me. Worry? Had something happened? “I am in town, Frankie! I want to see you!” I fought for the right words. What was she talking about? My mother never took her sweet time to contact me and I most certainly didn’t return the favor. “Mom, mom you’re in town? What are you talking about? I haven’t seen you.”
“That’s because I’m not there yet, Frankie. I am on my way to come and see my little boy!” I sighed, “Mom I am not little anymore.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Heavens! I just can’t imagine how much you’ve grown!” I chuckled to myself trying to make it sound like I was completely comfortable with this. “I’ll be there tomorrow morning, dear! Ta-ta!” The line went dead like nothing had ever happened and I was just sitting their stupidly with my phone up to my head. I looked to Rosie for help, but she had no idea, or did she?
“Who was that?” Her perky voice was back to her. It never seemed to leave. “Um, I have to go.” I said, getting up while doing so. Her smile faded quickly but I didn’t catch it. I wanted to leave. “I’m sorry, Rosie. I’ll see you later. This was fun. Thank you.” I threw a wad of money on the table not caring how much was there. I rushed out without looking back. My mother was coming to my house, to my fucked up, half cleaned apartment. She would ask questions – she would want to know everything. She was probably bringing one of her boyfriends. Great, one of them. I didn’t want to entertain; I didn’t want to answer questions.
I ran out of the restaurant as fast as I could. I had to make me life perfect in the matter of ten hours.
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