*This one is a little shorter.*
Chapter Six
It’s Getting Old
I stared at her for a good long while. Was she serious? I rolled my eyes, I honestly couldn’t control myself. I had heard this fucking excuse so many times. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I would rather want to be def than to listen to someone tell me they were afraid I would get hurt. So I tried to stop her from going on, but I was too late she was already off in her explanation mode trying to make everything sound better than it really was. “Frank, I know it’s not my place but just shut up and listen to me, please! I am trying to help you! That’s all I want is to help!” I shook my head. I could feel the rage building and the mean words collect in the back of my throat. I really didn’t want to hear this right now, but I had no choice. I decided to come knowing this was a possibility. “Frank, please, I know this is difficult –…”
“Alright, Rosie! Enlighten me! Please, if you will.” The inner bitch which hid itself inside my body was emerging once more and she knew it. I had to contain my emotions somewhat. I needed to act like an adult instead of a child like she was. I needed to keep my cool. Everything was going to be fine. I just had to keep telling myself that.
And without any hesitation Rosie continued to talk about how she was afraid of Gerard breaking me down bit by bit like I was a piece of paper, so thin and delicate then being ripped to shreds. “Frank, when you woke up you were dazed! Out of it! How do you know this Gerard character isn’t using your situation as a way of getting more inside your head just so he can watch you fall! What if your mind is making all this up because it’s wants it to be true!?” Half of me thought this was all just another dream and the other half believed it was all real. Why was she telling me these things? “It’s been three months, Rosie, three months! Stop making this about me when it’s clearly not. I am safe, Gerard is my friend and I love him and would do anything for him. He isn’t a creep; I’ve known him longer than you even know. So please, do yourself a favor and don’t waste your breath. You don’t understand it, Rosie and that’s okay. I get that, but please, don’t pretend like you do.” And with that I got up off the bench I had been sitting at for what seemed like days, and left. I didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t want to make it out of the park, stand there looking like an idiot because I didn’t know where to go. That would just be awkward. So I took the first right turn I could, making my movements and motives look natural and not confused. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, anywhere besides the park was my goal.
I Reached my hand deep into my coat pocket, hoping I didn’t forget it, thankfully I pulled out my cell phone, it was strapped in the palm of my hand. I held it so tightly I thought I could smash it right then and there – but I wouldn’t, I honestly couldn’t. I flipped open the front to expose the keys and the screen. I dialed Gerard’s number which I knew by heart. He didn’t own a cell phone but the home phone in his apartment amazingly still worked. The line rang a couple of times. I waited patiently as I pretended to look for the bus, standing at the bus stop. Eventually the annoying ringing stopped and Gerard’s voice filtered through the speaker. “Hello?” I smiled, it was nice to know he was still there, he was mine and all mine. “Hi, Gerard, it’s me.”
“Hey, Frank. Is everything alright? I thought you’d be home by now.” I kicked a stone with the tip of my shoe. It bounced across the side walk and into the street where a speeding care ran it over, propelling it back onto the cement. “Yeah, I think so. Want to meet me out here? I don’t feel like come home yet.” My voice was uneven and shaky, he could tell. He fluxed his voice to make himself sound more comforting and soft. “I’ll be right there.” I hung up the phone not bothering to say good bye, or I love you. My hands along with the rest of my body felt cold and empty, like I had no heard, not other organs, like someone had just taken a spoon and gutted me until there was nothing left to take.
Time passed, the tip of my nose turned red with the whipping wind, cold and harsh against me. I was relieved when a hand pressed against my shoulder, making me flinch from the unexpected weight. “Hey, stranger.” I turned around and smiled at Gerard. That was one of his favorite things to say to me. It was almost like a joke but a real greet all the same. “Let’s take a walk, shall we?” He put his arm out, greeting me to interlock mine with his. I did, and we walked arm and arm down the sidewalk fearing nothing. “So how did it go?” He asked almost directly after linking. I looked up at him, puzzled. “How did you know?”
“I had a feeling she called.” Gerard knew everything, I couldn’t say I as surprised by his knowledge but the fact he knew to bring it up scared me a bit. “Lets just say it could have gone better.” Thinking back to the conversation I had no even an hour ago made my stomach tie into knots. I could feel the muscles tightening with anger. How could she say something like that? How could she say something like that!? “Want to tell me about it?” I could sense it was rather a statement than a question. I knew I would end up telling him everything at some point, so why not that point be now? I took in a deep breath, trying to think of where to start. I took the easy way out and chose the beginning.
“I got there, and she wasn’t there so I waited for a while. Right when I was about to leave she came, she told me she was considering not coming. She sat down with me, at first I was expecting her to apologize what she had said but things turned somewhere but I’m not sure where.” I paused to take a breath. I was talking rather slowly and dumbly, not fully paying attention to the words which rolled off my tongue. “She said she didn’t want to see me get hurt. I couldn’t help but come back at her with my defense. She was referring to you, Gerard. She suspects your some guy using my ‘situation’ in order to get inside my head and play with my mind. It’s fucked up what she’s telling me! And when I couldn’t take anymore of it, I left, then called you, and now we’re here.” A bitter taste creeped itself into my mouth – I wanted it all to go away, I didn’t care what anyone else thought but damn it Gerard was my love and he would never hurt me. I knew that for a fact, I just didn’t understand how I could make other people see him the way I do. “I tried to be strong and to stay calm. I know it’s hard for them to understand. You told me yourself, but still I just can’t believe they would think that.”
“They?” I noticed Gerard’s point. I had been saying ‘they’ instead of ‘she’ or ‘her’. I furrowed my brow, thinking of why I did that. Could it be possible all of my family who knew about him thought the same way? “I didn’t mean that.” I stated quickly before he could get another word in. “I know,” was all he said back.
We both kept walking as if the two of us knew where the other was leading. “Some days I break.” Gerard said coolly. I watched his breath escape him. The image reminded me that he was still alive and sucking in the air around him. It gave me a new heightened feeling I had been secretly craving. Reassurance this wasn’t all my imagination again. “Some days you break.” I repeated, waiting for him to say more which he did, “And when I do, I cry.” I thought for a minute. It was so simple. Some days he broke (which was impossible to fathom with Gerard.) And when he did, he copes by crying. But it’s not always that easy for a person. I expressed this was more intimate words and thoughtful propositions. “Simplicity. Sometimes that’s all one needs is to be simple.” If only I knew what was going inside that man’s head I would be able to attain so much more information from the tiny things he said to me. “It’s getting old, Gerard. It’s been three months and people still have doubts.” He stared in front of him where off in the distance a man walked across the street against the signal. He was asking to get killed. I showed anger toward it while Gerard remained placid. Soon he spoke words that would ring true in my ears forever and ever. “Do you have doubts?”
“No.”
“Then that’s all that matters.”
…
I still wasn’t ready to go home yet but I could tell Gerard was getting cold and tired from all the walking. He hadn’t come in his car which I thought was a little stupid but I didn’t care. I could walk another half mile to his apartment. The warmth would be three times as reliving once he returned then if the car heater greeted us before hand. When in doubt, though, always drive your fucking car when it’s forty degrees in New Jersey. For now, I would keep walking with Gerard next to me constantly thinking about what the hell I was going to do. The days were passing by like rushing minutes until the day Gerard and I left for a long car ride to the cottage he was telling me so much about. He was egger for me to meet everyone and he assured me they were egger to meet me too. I brought upon the subject whether or not they knew I was coming along. Every time I asked he quickly nodded his head and waved his hand, figuring his body language would be enough to convince me. Just thinking about visiting his friends and family made me feel out of place. I didn’t want to be just another guest but this transformation wouldn’t happen over night. It might take a few days or maybe even a few get-togethers. It made me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t so much of a people person. I couldn’t stand the thought of trying to figure out everyone’s likes and dislikes and memorizing them for a week to make sure I didn’t mess up. So much was on my mind, though. So much shit that I didn’t know what to do with.
“Are you okay?” Gerard’s voice snapped me out of my frantic day-dreaming. I caught my breath in my throat and coughed a little bit. I nodded, hoping he would believe me. “What’re you thinking about?” I glared out of the corner of my eye as we passed by the park gates. Rosie was no longer sitting at the bench; actually no one was in the park. The sky has grown even darker, looking as if it was going to rain. “How meeting your family is going to go.” Today was just such a messed up day I didn’t need to think about anything more. I looked up into Gerard’s eyes which were already slightly staring down at me. “Ya know what?” I said with a breathy sigh. “What?”
“Just, for now, forget I said anything, okay?” Gerard smiled, showing his small teeth that usually stayed behind those lips of his. “We’ll talk about it later.” He nodded in agreement, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulled me in closer. “I don’t know why you’re so afraid. They’re going to love you. I really, really think so. You’ll love my friend especially.” His last part was shoved in there like he was rushing his idea. I looked at him suspiciously. “Will I, now?” His head bobbed back and forth frantically. “And they will love you. They’re fucking awesome. Never met guys like these before. Really know how to welcome someone.”
“And what about your parents?” Gerard chuckled; he wiped the edge of his mouth with his thumb then scratched his head, “We’re not teenagers, Frank. We’re grown men.”
“That’s not what I meant, Gerard! I meant am I going to meet them? Will they like me?” There was a moment of silence as I waited his answer. Right when I had a feeling there wasn’t going to be one he surprised me with the sound of his voice. “They aren’t going to be there.” Once again his words were rushed. Completely unlike the normal Gerard I knew, thinking through every phrase carefully before even considering saying it. Now was different. I was putting him on the spot with something he didn’t know I was going to bring up. Gerard Way wasn’t prepared for what I was throwing at him. The polite kind thing to do would to just give it up and not to pry but I couldn’t resist. I had the right to know, anyway, right? So I kept pushing for the story behind it all. I wanted to see Gerard in his weakest of moments. But when I finally got the story out of him I wished I would have known better than to beg for more. “My mom and dad are both gone – they won’t be there when we go.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. They’re where they need to be and I’m here where I should be. There’s a difference you know.” I nodded, knowing all he needed was the moral support. “But there will be a lot of other people there, don’t you worry.” I smiled, trying to keep the energy moving around us. It was a difficult thing to do but it seemed like I was managing. “I suppose we should start getting packed soon, huh?” I couldn’t quite speak right then so I simply nodded once more, feeling dumb. I managed to say: “Thank you for walking with me.” I never did get a response.
