Chapter Nine
October 26th
I got up the next morning with a sore back and an awful headache. “Good morning, sleepy-head.” Rosie’s kind warm voice chimed in right as my eyes fluttered open. There was natural light shinning through the small windows of her house. It was nice to feel some light again. The world no longer felt like the cruel place it was the night before. I was able to rise from the couch and onto my feet with ease. I raised my arms above my head, stretching, making an awkward sound while doing so. There was still sleep attached to my eyes but I disregarded that. I rubbed them clean soon after stretching and taking a few paces in front of me. “Morning,” I replied with a primitive look that I knew I had made at her before. “Want some coffee?”
“Nah, I’m alright. I think I’m gonna head home.” She cocked her head rather surprised by my plan. I shrugged my shoulders hoping she would understand where my reasoning was coming from. “Isn’t Gerard there?” She questioned. I had seen it coming so I was prepared to answer. “For all the times I got pissed off or sad, he never walked out on me.” I took a breath or two, “So why should I walk out on him?” My answer seemed to please her. A smile spread across her face, connecting the edges of her mouth with either cheek. “Leaving so soon, though? It’s eight in the morning!” I thought for a moment, “I better go before it gets any later. The longer I wait the harder it’ll be to convince myself to go back.” She smiled wider this time, again, pleased. “Thanks for coming over, I really needed a good distraction form everything.” She walked briskly over to me from out of the kitchen. I could feel the air swoop past her as she took each step. Her hug was bright and cheery just like she usually was. I hugged her willingly back holding her closely to me. I didn’t want her to be sad, she was the sun which lived on the earth instead of above it so far away. “Everything will be okay.” I assured her with a quick peck on the cheek. She nodded her head up and down slowly, taking in the information. “Good luck to you.” I scoffed but thanked her for her wishes. It was going to be a long day ahead, I was sure of it, more than anything.
I waved to her a final good bye, I told her we would stay in touch; maybe get a coffee or lunch sometime soon, but in the meantime call if we ever needed anything. I missed that girl so much. I hadn’t had as many flashback memories about her but I knew I must have had many. I couldn’t wait until I could remember them all again, but I wanted them to come slowly, not all at once. I wanted to savior them, have something to look forward to gaining back. She was one of my best friends, or so they tell me. “Bye, Rosie. Thank you again.” I turned my back to her, my one arm behind me shutting the door slowly. I heard her shout loudly through the house “Anytime, Frankie!” And then the door clicked shut, separating the both of us for good. It was a long walk back home but I figured it would give me some time to think. Besides, I needed some good time to myself. I hadn’t gotten any in a long ass time. Everything’s was going to be alright. I had to keep telling myself this. The world isn’t going to end, it’s merely a bump in the road I have to avoid and or fix.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous walking back home. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted Gerard to still be there or not. I didn’t know if I had the guts to confront him and argue with him. I took deep even breathes, sorting out the things that happened in those few minutes of talking about the trip to him having a dark moment. I couldn’t think of another time I saw him so low and out of place. It scared me, and to be completely honest, I was still a little freaked out. What had happened to him? The confidence of the man I fell in love with was lost on him in a matter of moments. I was clueless to what triggered it but damn was it sudden. I couldn’t help but go through every word over and over again trying to see if I had said something to anger him, or if he had seen something. No matter how detailed I became, no matter how many times I scanned that instance I found nothing that could have set him off like that. We were both excited about going to the cottage. Nothing went wrong. Nothing went wrong.
“Frank, listen to what Rosie said.” I caught myself talking out loud. Thankfully there were no pedestrians out at eight in the morning listening to a fucked up man talk to himself. “You can think, but don’t be a dumbass about it.” It was some good advice; she had explained it in the easiest way possible. I understood what she was telling me, and I actually got it, just like I did with Gerard so many times. In the mere hours I had spent away from him I already missed his voice, his weird conversations. I wanted all of it back, but I wanted the real Gerard back, not the one that I had seen take over his soul. Although I knew I had to deal with life on my own sometimes without the help of him, I couldn’t help but miss the man. He is my everything even if I wasn’t his. I didn’t care. I needed to be mature about this. I needed to be a man.
The thought of my species made me angry before, all we act like are savages, but after meeting Gerard I discovered being a true man is standing up for yourself and knowing how to control your emotions. And that is exactly what I was going to do. We weren’t all idiots who dressed up in shit clothing, loved all the sex they could get, and are crazy about a sport where other men tackle each other for a ball. Maybe some were like that, but being manly didn’t mean all of those things. Which is something I had to remember – I might be gay but that doesn’t mean being a man is out of the question, I couldn’t help but think of Gerard right then; he was the best man I’ve ever met. I smiled to myself; I wanted to be with him as soon as I could. I wanted to make sure he was okay. I was never good with words and probably never would be (another thing a man lacks.) I was determined, that this time, I would do it for Gerard. I needed to make him better. It was my job, well, I wanted it to be. I was Frank Iero and he was Gerard Way. We belonged together; we needed to help each other no matter what. I was going to be for him forever. “Je t’aime.” I whispered to myself quietly. I kept walking and walking down the street, through the crowd of people again that buzzed in the morning. It no longer felt like everyone was watching me. I was able to strut down the sidewalk with something like confidence swelling inside me. The idea of going back to Gerard was settling with me. I could do this, until I walked through the door, and then I would rethink my confidence. I sighed heavily. What was I getting myself into?
I would have stopped for coffee, went back to Rosie’s, sat on the bench and people watched but I couldn’t. My legs wouldn’t stop moving; as much as I tried I kept going and going. I was slightly thankful. The last thing I wanted was to stall myself. And that’s when I turned my head while passing a little restaurant. It had tables set up outside, wire chairs and wire tables. Though there was a snippy wind a couple sat on the sidewalk sipping coffee and reading a newspaper together. It was a man and a woman, one quite a bit older and the other just a tad bit younger. They looked happy, smiling at each other knowing that whatever relationship they had with each other they would be able to remember and cherish it forever. It almost brought tears to my eyes, but this was not the time to publically cry after staring at two strangers. I shook it off, but my gaze didn’t shift. I stopped dead, making the people walking behind me swerve suddenly around me and scoff some mean words under their breath. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing or what I thought it was okay, but I moved closer to the table where the two were sitting. “Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. Both of them looked up at me with wide confused eyes. “Hello, do we know you?” The man said with a fake friendly smile. I chuckled and shook my head, “No, no you don’t.” I looked between the two of them, trying to find my words. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you two to each other?” I could see the slight annoyance in their eyes, a little nervousness, and unsurness. “Excuse me?” The girl finally spoke up, ignoring the man’s plea to have her shut up. “I’m sorry. I’m – I just –,” I shook my head once again and apologize for interrupting. Without another word I walked away, no quickly, not slowly, but at a normal pace like I wasn’t phased at all.
…
I stopped suddenly. This was the moment of second guessing my decision. Fuck, I thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck. My hand was so close to the knob. All I needed was to turn the shiny gold object and push. Why was this so difficult for me? I took a deep breath, knowing that no matter what the hell my mind told me I was going to have to open that door. “You’ve come this far, you can’t turn back, now.” My stomach felt like a bottomless pit, but I was falling into it. My heart stopped beating like it had so many times before. Everything around me felt cold, I almost wanted all of this to be some sort of dream, but as I thought a little more I knew it was a selfish thing to wish. I had missed days and days of my life because of some other gross beast man, knocking me down and out for months. Causing me to forget everything, I didn’t want that again. I was still recovering. I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t follow through with this. So god damn it I was going to do something about it.
I wasn’t sure whether to knock or not. It was Gerard’s place, but I was invited anytime. He said so himself. Without thinking I pushed open that stupid door, I practically stumbled in. Gerard was no longer sitting on the couch crouched over. The whole place was silent. I slipped off my shoes and shut the door as quietly as I could. The place seemed eerie; I didn’t feel as safe as I did before. It saddened me but that would change.
I walked into Gerard’s room quickly, hoping everything would be okay. “Gerard!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. He was lying on his bed, undressed except for his boxers. His eyes were half closed, shaded over with a lack of color; they were red around the edges but pale at the same time. His cheeks looked wet and his hair was messed up, his black strands flying every which way. “Gerard!” I ran over to him and threw myself onto him. “Gerard, oh my god. I was worried sick.” His eyes shot open right away. He sat up abruptly, not being very gentile with my body that was on top of his. I tumbled off unexpectedly. I gave him a confused look, what was wrong with him!? “Gerard, are you –,”
“Why are you here?” He spat. What was he talking about? Did he honestly think I wouldn’t come back? “Because I was worried about you…”
“You shouldn’t have come back. I told you not to. I told you to leave, Frank!” I shot him a look; I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “You honestly think I would have left just like that?” He scoffed loudly. “You shouldn’t have come back; you should have listened to me.” I scoffed back at him. “What happened, Gerard? Please, tell me.” He shook his head slowly, he wouldn’t look at me. It was like he was holding back. He wanted to but couldn’t. “Let me help you.” I added, I was seriously, I wanted to help him, and I wanted to love him. “I – I – I remembered, Frank; I never wanted to remember that.”
“Remember what?” I looked at him forcefully but he wouldn’t look back. “It was my past, Frank, before I met you.” I wasn’t picking up what he was putting down. I didn’t understand. “Gerard, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Drinking, Frank! That was my past! Never wanted to remember any of that. You shouldn’t have witnessed that in our dreams.”
“Gerard! I love you; nothing you could do could change that.”
“I know, Frank. But I’m dangerous. You didn’t even see the half of it. You should go, now. You shouldn’t be here. Please.”
“Gerard, no! I’m not leaving!” The next thing he said killed him, and it stabbed me in the heart. “We need to be apart, Frank.” I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. What was he saying? Gerard was going mad. “No, Gerard! I missed you for half of my life; I’m not going to miss out on you now! I’m not going to leave you, not again!”
“Sometimes people have to be apart in order to know how special they are to each other.” I chuckled sarcastically. I placed my hand on the side of his face and turned his head so he was finally looking at me with those huge olive eyes. “But we were apart, Gerard. And when you came to me I knew how lucky I was.” His eyes flicked with a light brighter than his heart. “I love you.” I said “I love you too.”
“Then why are you telling me all of this? We don’t give up.” He sighed and paused for a few seconds before replying. “You’re right, Frank. We fight for what we believe in, for what if worth fighting for.” He smiled to himself but then his smile suddenly changed, and I knew he was now grinning at me, for me. “You’re worth fighting for.” I smiled back, happy to have the old Gerard again. “We’re worth fighting for.”
Somehow I could still tell he was slightly troubled. Our talk hadn’t dug as deep as I wanted it to, so I continued talking. “Gerard, you can’t worry about it, okay?”
“Frank, please –,” I wasn’t sure how else to explain myself. I was accepting his past and agreeing that we should keep it there, this was the first time I had seen him this upset about himself nonetheless. “I just don’t want to slip up again. I promised myself I wouldn’t.” His words were beauty itself, they always had been but now there was something more to them. “You’ve kept that promise for a long time.”
“I know, but you know, and I slipped up in the dreams we had. Those were all too real.” I hated to admit it but he was right, those dreams were incredibly real. I still had no fucking clue how any of this even happened, but there was a special connection between Gerard and I which allowed us to share those dreams, though it is a gift it is also a difficult thing to live with. “We can get through this.”
“Can we, Frank? I’m not as strong as I would like to be.” I scoffed as loud as I possibly could and put my arms around him. “Gerard, shut up you’re the strongest man I know.”
“Frank, shut up, I’m the only man you know.” I pushed him away with a laugh. “Excuse me!?” His smile turned into an ear to ear grin. “I’m sorry; did I say that out loud?” I got up leaving him there on the bed. “So, will you still come to the cottage with me!?” Gerard shouted from his room. I had moved into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, I hadn’t had been morning mug yet. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
