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space. time. think. break. repeat.

A day or so ago I put up a post on what's happening in my life atm that me and my long time girlfriend broke up since then my mind has cleared a little bit. It has come to light because me and her are still best friends and we talk everyday which Im thankful for and love that we can still be that way without any issues. But back to my point in my last post I explained why she gave up on us because of our distance because of the road blocks that where in our way. And though that is still the reasons why it's also come to me now I'm not so messed up and upset that she did it for her she was tried of hurting being away from me and it was hurting her waitin and getting her hopes up the first time then the uk fucked up with passports then the second time getting her hopes up and I got ill because I think she really was in deep love with me and it was killing her i know because since we first met me and her just knew whenever something was wrong or something had happened we can't lie to eachother because we just know. Weather the other is aware that we know or not we just do. It's something we always called our twindom lol our special connection and that we still have. But I knew when I looked at her in her beautiful eyes she was hurting she looked at me near the end like she was loseing something there was so much hope love careing hurt in her look and to be honest it broke me because I knew. I knew I was close to loseing her. And I was right. I know she loves me deep down but now it's just buried under all the shit and pain but right now as I type this I'm taking time out for myself to sort my head out because I'm the not the most mentally emotionally strong guy. And with how I feel about this girl. Everyday feels like my heart and soul are being ripped apart my mind won't stop thinking. The way my mindset has always worked is ok sit down deal with and work out and kill what the pain is and move onwards but seeing in this situation there's nothing to kill there's not really even a problem. It's just pain. And the thoughts of eeverything you had and where going to have starts to hurt because you think about all the little times you talked about all the things you two where gonna do and be and when it comes down to someone being your beginning and your end your life your world your absolute everything. When you've fell so deep in love with someone that you just know is the one. It's beyond hard. I know I will never love someone else. That I can never be with anyone else because it wouldn't be fair on them at some point they are gonna want the I love you and the diamond ring and the kids and I know for a fact that I can't do that. With her yes. Because that's all I want. But with someone else that'd be liveing a life of a lie. That's not fair on them. But that's my choice. And I'm fully happy with being alone for the rest of my life sure I have friends and I'll make more as I go along in life and she will always be a part of my life because I honestly couldn't live without her. But right now and honestly probably for the rest of my life I'm still going to wish she'd fall in love with me again because that's all I'll ever want. And though that will never happen it's my only way to cope. I'm going to go off for a few days and sort my head out think about everything so I can attest sleep and if she sees this (this website being how we met) beautiful I love you and i always will. And I'm thankful Wer still best friends I will always be there for you and i will forever look out for you because Im always going to care about you. Your my little fallon star remember and I will forever protect you. And I'm sorry for putting up post like this. But Its my way of helping me cope. And right now I need anything I can get to help me ok.