what a fake smile feels like...

MyBulletProofHeart15's picture

what a fake smile feels like...

does it ever happen to you guys,... when you're just so sad. and you want to die. and you cant stop crying.... then all of the sudden you get hyper, or happy? It happens to me all the time...lately I have been living in my own little fucking world, where I am unstoppable at school, and I'm just... well I guess I have a reputation for being one of the two crazy girls going around school in lace dresses, and screaming and doing stupid stuff and acting childish. that's what happens at school, and I have so much fun doing it! I have also found I became really ignorant. I don't care about anything anymore! I just forget the bad stuff. and so my days consist of mostly school, where I have the time of my life:p (ay ay) and anything after that... I just forget. I hate coming home. I really do. and just today, i do not know what happened. A lot of people asked me whats wrong? and there was nothing wrong... but I kind of ... lost myself in my thoughts. and I was serious the whole day... well most of it anyways. and when my mom picked me up.. I just started crying and fell asleep in the car. then we come home, and I'm..well I woke up like renewed. and right now I'm ... I guess I'm happy. Its weird, EVERY time I get really sad, and everything crashes down, I get happy right away. almost as if my mind has a protection mode that gets me happy before I do anything really stupid. I have given up on asking for help anymore... I have isolated myself. every time I'm really depressed, I will deal with it myself... and i feel so alone. It feels horrible to cry alone. I mean, I don't tell anyone if I'm not okay, and I have found that .. well its really hard to do actually. All the time I'm imagining someone holding me while I cry. But those are only fantasies. I hate to know that I am being a pathetic little stupid girl crying for no freaking reason... okay. IF you have come this far and youre still reading, Thank you. very much. maybe you're just bored... i don't know. sometimes i just need to write out my thoughts... because I am too stubborn and I know that I will never let myself ask for help ever again.
*quick update, my story for my creative writing class? the one about a guy committing suicide? I got positive comments on it, saying it was really good. Too bad that I was just writing out my thoughts. xD