Sorry this has taken so long. I have had so much homework and work. Plus a load of fecking curfews! Anyhoo here we go....
Diary Entry: “See you on the other side...”
I thought I was dead, I hoped to be dead, but then I realised the afterlife seemed much too similar to the first for it to be. I heard all these voices and background noise from somewhere else. I opened my eyes. I was in a hospital room. All the walls were a stainless, and everything was plain or very basic. My eyes filled with tears when I realised I’d failed yet again. My wrists all sewn up and I was attached to all these chords. I felt so dazed. My head turned gently to the side to see Grey comforting Nicky. His eyes were shut and his arm was around Nicky’s shoulder, tears came pouring out when his eyes opened but they were quickly brushed away.
Grey’s big brown eyes flickered around the before landing on me. “Erica?” He whispered and shot forward so fast; Nicky fell to the side and smacked his face on the arm of Grey’s chair. He knelt by my bed, “why did you do this?” I couldn’t answer him. I just lay and stared helplessly at him. I didn’t want to let him know I still wanted to die.
Nicky walked over rubbing his cheek. “Can’t you speak?” he asked.
“Shhh!” Grey hushed angrily, “she’ll be shocked or something like that you idiot.” He was right. I was shocked. I never would have expected Grey to be so harsh to Nicky. “Sorry.” Grey said eventually.
“You want us to leave?” Nicky asked me after a sudden silence.
“No!” I said, before the words had fully left Nicky’s mouth. They both smiled and returned to their chairs, dragging them a little closer. We just sat for a bit, the silence went from okay to really awkward in a matter of minutes. I desperately searched for something to say. “I think I’m going to find the toilets,” Nicky muttered, uneasily walking out of pressured atmosphere. I couldn’t brake the it even after Nicky had left so I just let all the tears I’d been holding back run down my face which prompted Grey to sit even closer to take my hand. “Does it hurt?” He asked glancing at my wrist when I flinched.
“Yeah a little,” I replied blandly but I didn’t look at him. How could he put up with me? I thought. He must have thought I was ungrateful after he’d been so warm towards me. I became lost in my thoughts for a few moments. Thinking of what a let down I was, how my actions were, yet again, unsuccessful but they all stopped unexpectedly.
“Tell me what to do,” I jerked my head round to see Grey staring down at the floor. “Tell me how to help you and let you be free. Hunny hurting yourself is just running away from it all, for you to be happy you need to face your problems.” He looked up at me, staring me sternly in the eye but his face softened after a time. “I’m talking from experience.” He looked back down again but didn’t loose the grip on my hand. “I was getting bullied when I first went to high school and after a while started self harming, like you I never told anyone.” He paused for a moment before starting a smile which grew as he talked. “Nicky found out when he came up and saw that I got picked on. He helped me through everything that’s why we’re so close. I’m only two years older than him but I’m still so protective over Nicky, simply because he talked everything over with me and made me laugh. It took a while for me to stop.” Grey stopped smiling “I really want to be the person Nicky was to me but for you.”
Grey let go of my hand and stood up, pacing around the white box, running his fingers repeatedly through his blackened hair. His pacing stopped in front of the window where he leant forward and pressed his head against the glass with his arms holding up his slim body above the window sill. The window sill featured a small vase with a beautiful bunch of daisy Julie had sent. A few of the under petals were slightly bashed but only if you looked really closely at their blooms. I loved them.
“We’re up pretty high,” he commented weakly.
“Could you open the window?” I gently asked. He replied only with a nod and pushed it open. His hand left a few faint fingerprints once he pulled them off the glass. In the silence he still faced away from me while his fingerprints faded.
“You’ll have too leave now sir.” Although the voice was soft and sweet, it made both of us jump.
“I’m sorry nurse but I’m not leaving,” Grey replied still facing the window. “My friend tried to commit suicide. I’m not leaving.”
“I’m incredibly sorry but you have too. You’re no direct family member and there are strict rules for patients’ safety. If you don’t leave now I will have to call for security.” The young women’s pale face was decorated with rich auburn hair, pinned back neatly in place. He let out an agonizing sigh and walked over to me, kissing me softly on the cheek. “I’ll be in soon, I promise.” Grey whispered in my ear.
***
And he kept his promise, “Hey lovely,” he smiled the next day. Nicky followed in behind him, I had hoped someone else might have been there but Nicky closed the door before saying,
“Alright Erica?”
“Not bad,” I sighed feeling disappointed, “I’m so bored.”
“The nurse said we can’t stay for long cause of the man coming to talk to you.” What Grey meant by ‘the man,’ was a psychologist. My stomach was in knots waiting for him. He was supposed to be arriving around 4pm but I had no idea of the time. Grey and Nicky resumed their seating positions they had taken the day before but then Nicky became restless, rummaging in a plastic bag, “Here,” he passed me a notebook and some pens. “I saw them on the way over, I don’t know if you draw or even write or that, thought you’d be fed up in here.” He blushed when I smiled happily in to his eyes.
“Yeah I am,” I said flicking through my gift. “Thanks.”
After that we talked for a bit, Grey told me Abbey had left this morning and she told me to get over my ‘flu’. “We had to tell Gran, Abbey and John that you had flu.” Grey explained, “Mum said she doubted you’d wanted people knowing if they didn’t already.” Although it was a kind gesture, it stung a little. It sounded as if I’d done something terribly shameful, I guess I had, but it still didn’t sit right in my mind. The boys told me other stories, of there childhood, what Abbey had been up too, anything to cheer me up. But a knock interrupted their attempts.
“This is Dr Evans, Erica,” smiled the pretty nurse who had asked Grey to leave. Dr Evans didn’t look like a doctor. He wore a white crisp shirt, and black suit. His hair was sleek and his features sharp. To me he appeared more like a business man carrying a notepad. He gave a kind smile to the boys as the both said there goodbyes, Grey added in an extra ‘good luck,’ before they traipsed out the door. “Now,” he started, “how are we today Erica?”
“Fine.” I said weakly looking down at my covers, fiddling with them between my fingers.
“I think he both know you’re not, ‘fine’.”
I felt all the warmth Grey and Nicky had put into me drain with every second. He kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer like, “Could you explain for me how you’re feeling?” Or “What do you think would make you feel better about yourself?” Every time he asked me I’d reply with, “Dunno” or “I’m not sure.” Dr Evans realised I wasn’t one of the easily broken into.
Which lead to an afternoon of me zoning out and only listening to half of what he was saying. The parts I did pick up made me feel worse, he described people trying to run away from an empty feeling they had from lack of love or care. Alec, Blake, Grey and Nicky had all tried to care for me, yet I was ungrateful enough to push all of them away. Then he went on to depict how other teenagers feel like they don’t fit in, the guys all accepted me into their lives. What was I doing trying to end mine? One of the final key points he mentioned was guilt. As soon as that word was mentioned everything too many memories came back. Like my dad, my mum, Jake, Blake, Alec, Nicky and Grey. Every one of these people had the biggest impact on me, some better than others, yet I wanted to throw it all away. This psychologist wasn’t helping me; he was just mixing me up more.
“How would you normally express yourself?” Dr Evans asked saving me from my thoughts.
“Express what?”
“How you’re feeling,” he replied chewing the end of his closed glasses. I looked around my room, for anything that would help me or at least distract me. My eyes fell once again on the daisies. They had begun to wilt away, they curled up away from me and their green leaves were crumbling to dust. The bright feeling they had once given me was now dwindling.
“Erica?” The doctor prompted me. I didn’t answer. No matter how many times he repeated himself, I would not reveal my burdens. “Do you write or draw? Maybe even sing or play guitar? Do you do anything like that?” When he mentioned writing I thought back to a diary I kept just after my dad died. It was full of all my thoughts and rhymes of how I felt. Although I still refused myself to share what I was thinking.
“Often writing or drawing can help adolescents in your condition.” That phrase, ‘your condition’ was it. Enough for me to feel pure hate for this man. “I think we’ve had enough for today.” Dr Evans sighed looking at his watch.
“What times is it?”
“5:30,” he responded. “Erica,” he began but stopped like he’d forgotten his lines. “For you to get better you need to talk.”
“Bullshit.” I shot back.
“Pardon?”
“It’s bullshit.” My eyes fixed straight ahead. “I’m not going to tell you or anyone else anything. So stop wasting your time and give it to someone who has a chance.”
“Erm… I’ll see you tomorrow.” His voice was perplexed and his movements were slow. Eventually he left.
He didn’t understand my life. No one did. All my hope was gone and my night returned to sleepless.
***
I was trapped in this hospital. It felt so familiar to be crying, huddled up all alone. The night dragged on, and I felt the anger building with every breath I just wanted it all to stop.
Sitting one the window sill I watched the moon hide in the clouds. Drifting and dodging in the dark. The vase sat at the other end of the ledge as I stared out the window. The glass was cold against my face and I saw my tears in the reflection. As my eyes drifted to the ground, I noticed to height I was at and how small things were from my view. I slid off the sill I turned back around reaching up for the handle of the biggest window. I pushed it open with easy and then it stopped. I rattled it a few time to see if it would open further, it didn’t.
My disappointment was over whelming. I could cope with everything that I had held so close to me in side. The frustration grew and I pick up the vase of, now dead, daisies and flung it against the wall. I stood dazed before diving under my covers and on top of what lay in my bed. I expected someone to come into my room, find the source of the almighty crash. But no one did. I was truly alone.
I waited and waited, to make sure it was all clear. In that time the item on which I lay got more uncomfortable. I pulled it out from underneath me to find my notebook from Nicky. I turned on my light and sat upright on my bed and began to write.
That’s what I am doing now. I thought you all should know everything about me to fully understand my actions. It’s a funny world. I feel alone yet I always have my feelings with me. They follow me around and all I want for them to go disappear. Grey, Nicky, Alec and Blake; I’m so sorry. For everything, just don’t blame yourselves because it wasn’t by your doing. I’ve made up my mind; I just wanted you to know why. I love you all and everyone of you are so beautiful. I don’t belong.
***
Erica’s body was found the next morning in a pool of blood. Blood which had poured out her veins that’s she’s cut vertically with the shattered glass from a vase. A flower was in her hand when the nurse discovered her, its petals were stained with blood. Grey, Nicky, Blake and Alec all attended the funeral held for Erica, there Blake and Alec decided to settle their differences in memory of her. Blake later fell into a depression and a bad mental state but he had had his friends there for him. Especially Grey who barely left his side. Erica’s mother never returned. She never knew or would have cared that her beautiful 15 year old girl took her own life.
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So guys! All good things must come to an end, well good things and this story... I really want to know what you thought and things you would've changed. Anything to make my next one better. It's all planned out so tell me if you're interested! I don't mind any criticism, just tell me what you think please!
