Diary Entry “It’s like getting your heart torn out and ripped to shreds in front of you.”
I seized up. Everyone was silent. Except Alec, who giggled softly.
“The what?” he said light heartedly. No one talked. No one looked at one another, we were all still. The laughing stopped. “THE WHAT?” Alec shouted.
“The kiss,” Blake muttered.
“The ‘kiss’?” Alec ran his fingers through is hair and took an unsteady breath. “Yeah well this is great. I save your fucking life, give you friends and you thank me by making out with my mate,” Alec’s eyes tore into me as he spoke. “And you,” he turned to Blake, “what the actual fuck? You’re meant to be a fucking mate. We’ve been friends for fucking ages and you go behind my back like that.”
“I know,” Blake started, “I was way over the line…”
“Yeah you were and still are. You knew how I felt about her,”
“Felt?” Blake questioned but Alec ignored him.
“Did you two know?” he asked Grey and Nicky. “Well?”
“Yes…” Grey said painfully. “We knew. And that’s why we wanted to get us all together, cause Alec you’ve known Blake longer than to me and Nicky. We, and especially Erica, didn’t want to see you two fighting and stuff... Can’t you put this behind you?”
“No.” He said with no emotion, but his eyes were full of tears when he turned back around to face me. My heart stopped dead, as he walked over and stood before my own tear stained face. He spoke softly but not in the kind way, like he was restraining how he was really feeling. “I stopped you form killing yourself.” He whispered, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I thought me and you could have been special. Remember I told you were pretty, and that you shouldn’t be throwing your life away.” He paused and grew louder for everyone to hear, “Well maybe you should, you filthy, little whore.” Each word hit me like every one of those bottles. It was daja vu of the moments before my mother left me. But only this time it was Alec.
When I looked up he had gone, but no one else had moved. “Erica, are you okay?” Grey asked and went to put his arm around me but I dodged of his way. I felt my nails dig into the palms of my tightly closed fists. I stood crying silently and staring the same as my dad did. Only unfortunately I was still breathing. My eyes cautiously drifted to Blake’s gaze. He looked so perfect but looks are deceiving. “I’m so, so sorry,” he croaked. “I didn’t mean any of this to happen. I totally understand if you hate every single part of me…”
“I don’t hate you.” I saw him smile, “but I don’t trust you anymore.” His smile dropped.
“Please,” he begged. “I fucked up. We all do. Maybe I mess stuff up too much but I don’t want to leave you, even as a friend. You’re amazing and so beautiful,” Blake stepped closer to brush my tears away but again, I moved so I wasn’t touched. “I think I’m in love with you.”
“No. No, you’re not.” I wailed. “If you loved me you wouldn’t have made things worse. To me you were just boasting that we kissed. You knew Alec would hate us all, and then there’d be no competition. No other choice for me to make.” My tears ran faster, but through the blur I saw Blake’s eyes fill to the brim with sorrow. “I don’t think that counts as love.”
I looked over to Grey and Nicky, who still had not moved. “Can we go now?” I asked. Grey nodded and whispered something to Blake as he passed. He then stood in front of me; wiped away my tears then lead me away. I wanted too look back at Blake, but I kept telling myself no, so my eyes were fixed firmly to the ground the whole way back to the house.
When we got back I went straight up to Nicky’s room and sat where I’d slept. Grey and Nicky left me alone for a few hours. In that time I just sat and cried. It felt like I was at home again, sitting on my own, buried in my depression. Longing for the day that things got better, and all this week of thinking it might. I found I’d been holding my hopes were too high. So I curled up and sobbed into my jeans. But my routine was still incomplete.
All of a sudden I became very uncomfortable. I could feel the weight of a persons eyes on me, I looked up too see Nicky in the doorway. “Can I come in?” he asked.
“It’s your room.” I sniffed. Wiping away at my tears, only to find my hands covered in eyeliner. Nicky sat down next to me for the floor and pulled me close to his chest. “I know how you feel Erica, when you’re let down by someone you had feelings for. My last girlfriend used me just to get to Grey. I loved her so much. Then one of her mates said something with out realising she was on speaker phone, quite a crappy way to find out.” He sighed, realising he wasn’t getting anywhere. “Do you want some food?” He asked, changing the subject.
“No.” I told his chest.
“You sure? Cause you’ve not eaten all day. Anything you do want?”
“No…. Actually…”
“What?” Nicky asked, propping me up so he could look at me.
“I want to know what Grey said to Blake before we left the green.” I looked at him, deep into his eyes.
“Why?” We both jerked out heads round to find Grey standing just outside the room. He walked slowly in and crouched in front of me. “I told him…” Grey started, “That I’d talk to you.”
“Why would you need to talk to me?” I angrily asked. “I meant what I said. I can’t trust him. It’d just feel so awkward. Then there’s Alec... But he hates me now, quite rightly I suppose.” I got up and walk over to the dusty mirror in the corner of Nicky’s bedroom. I looked at my reflection, and lifted the hair off my face. I stood there a few minutes, in which time tears started again. I reminded myself of my mother. I closed my eyes and wished for someone different to be there when I reopened my eyes. Weirdly there was, Grey stood behind me.
He turned me round and kissed my forehead, “You’re beautiful.” He said, “Don’t tell yourself any different.” He fixed my hair and smiled at me, “coming down for something too eat?”
“No,” I sighed. Returning to my make shift bed, “I’m not hungry.” They both shrugged.
“Okay, you want us back up here later?” Nicky asked.
“It’s up too you,” I said, “You should go and have some fun, instead of sitting with me.”
“How can you have fun with out all your friends?” He smiled. “We’ll be back up.”
As they left I felt a sense of calm, followed by exhaustion. I lay back slowly, and I let myself drift softly to sleep.
Suddenly Blake was in front of me, but I had no idea where I was. The room was black and he was staring through me. He started kick stuff and throwing it all over the room. I tried to tell him to stop. To calm down and we’d talk, but he just got more irritated. He began crying, but my feet wouldn’t move, I tried for ages and as soon as they did I fell over, and on top of Alec who was lying on a bed. He didn’t realise I was there. I slide off him and knelt beside the bed, Alec stood up and walked to a window. He kept walking around and picking various stuff up, magazines, a football, a laptop but he never looked at me once. He eventually settled on three darts which lay on a desk, I saw him slowly pick them up. Admiring one of them, he held the dart close to his face. He spun in around in his fingers, before spinning himself around and violently flung it in my direction. I scrunched up my eyes and screamed, but over my scream I heard glass smashing. I opened my eyes and saw my Dad, again. I continued to scream, I hated whatever I was feeling. Then he said something. Quietly at first but then he got louder saying, “Erica… Erica…” But it wasn’t his voice, it wasn’t my dad.
“ERICA!” It was Grey kneeling down beside me. I sat up, and Nicky and his mum stood at my feet looking extremely concerned. “Love what’s wrong?” Julie asked.
“What?” I replied, I could feel sweat running down my face, and my clothes were soaked in more.
“You were screaming.” Nicky said. I looked at him to Grey and then to their mother.
“Bad dream…” I hastily explained. I felt so uncomfortable, so I rapidly stood up. “I’ll go wash my face.” I said, and disappeared out their sight.
***
Eventually the night drifted into early morning, Grey was sleeping beside me and Nicky was dead to the world in his bed. I couldn’t take anymore, anymore of what I was thinking. Everything I did made thing worse. I pushed away the first person in years to so me any form of kindness, and I broke another’s heart. If this is what life was going to be like, I didn’t want to be a part of it. As I lay there, in dead silence and darkness, I remembered my routine.
The floorboards down to the kitchen squeaked. I could barely make out the door in the little light that there was but I finally got hold of the handle, which I slowly turned and I stepped silently in to the cold kitchen. My mind was set and made up; I flicked on the light and went over to the knife rack which was snugly settled in the corner. I pulled out the first knife and I ran my finger across the blade. “Blunt.” I whispered and replaced it. As I chose a second one, it gleamed in the light. The slightly serrated edge was rough on my hand. ‘CRACK!” I froze. Someone was awake and walking around up stairs, then I heard voices. So I made a split and dragged the knife along my poison filled veins. It hurt, but I didn’t scream. Instead I watched the blood pour out of me and thought of the positives. With extra effort I engraved the next wrist, cutting it as deep to get rid of everything I’d felt and become. To leave everyone I had known and let down, I smiled as I slipped onto the cold, now crimson, floor.
