Bleeding In A Box

Menacing_Venom's picture

Bleeding In A Box

I'm so trapped... Just, completely stuck. What makes it worse - I can't cry like normal! Little short bursts I manage to force out, but other than that all these emotions just sit in the bottom of my stomach and the back of my mind. I hate it. I'm the most emotional person in the world, who has ran out of tears.
I can't write properly either... There's just no inspiration left.
There's NO venting! (That's why I'm doing this)
My psychologist wants me to talk to a psychiatrist so I can be put me on medication even though she knows I don't want it (one of the first things I said to her!), and she's a fucking psychologist! They're not meant to want to give us medication! I must be worse than I thought...
It's like she has either given up on me already (I've seen her 3 times...), or she just doesn't like me and wants rid of me...
The first reason I don't want it is because I'm meant to be trying, for my friend, to possibly become 'happier' or just less suicidal would be a start, and I want that change to be because of me. Not some 'happy' pills, me. If I'm not strong enough to do it myself, then what's the point?
Second, I really like Charlotte (my psychologist) and I want to speak to her, I'm getting to know her and used to her, I don't want that to change. I don't like change! It'd be different if I didn't like her, but I do... But if I get put on meds, I'd probably need to speak to a psychiatrist so they can control it or whatever? So that'd suck...
I just can't cope... I shouldn't be here! I should be gone by now... It's way too hard, confusing, stressful, lonely and hurtful to wake up each morning. I barely have to will to move and just lie there wanting to cry... All because I made it through the night.
Everyone else sees that as a positive thing. I don't.
Yes people love me, but it's so unfair that I have to live with this pain so they don't feel it too...
Sorry guys... I have no one else to listen at the present time... Damn I wish free texts worked internationally! :'(