Messing with the laws of nature

Frank

I held the cold, lifeless hand in mine as my thumb traced invisible patterns on the back of it like his usually did on mine. His hand didn't even hold mine back, no matter how hard I squeezed his, trying to get it to warm up and live, he didn't squeeze back lightly the way only he could. He didn't smile and slap my hand away when I reached out to stroke his hair lovingly, not caring if I ruffled it slightly in a way he didn't like because I just loved feeling his hair. His hair that stood out in the bright room that surrounded me with white. Everything was white, a sickly pale shade that just struck me as wrong. He wasn't supposed to look like that, not with the warm Italian blood running through his veins. Yet, most of that blood and the life within it were slowly seeping out of the veins they were kept in. Something, or someone, was stealing it.

The sound of the respirator filling his lungs with air and the beeping of the heart monitor filled the air, but I didn't hear them as I was simply too used to them. He breathed the neutral oxygen, not being bothered by the sickly smell of hospital that stung in my nose but I tried to ignore it. There were too many so much more important things to focus on in that room. Holding his hand, for example, as well as stroking his hair, running my fingers along his smooth arms, chest and stomach. His chest was rising and sinking slowly, his mechanical breathing soft as if he was just sleeping, perhaps about to wake up, about to just open his eyes and smile at me before granting me my morning kiss.

He didn't, it was just as if he was already dead, but the important thing that everybody kept telling me was that he wasn't dead. His condition was highly critical, but it was important to have faith. They kept telling me not to give up on him, to keep believing, to keep supporting him to recover. They asked me to make a choice, but how could I?

I held my fingers to his wrist, feeling the sickly weak pulse in his veins, watching the bag of blood hanging from the IV stat-stand, pumping in fresh blood, type AB+, into his veins. He was bleeding heavily, and even though they had been trying to stop it for hours they couldn't. They didn't know exactly where the problem was, and they didn't want to cut him open as they were afraid it would hurt the fetus, but then all of a sudden they started to think that it, the baby, was doing this to him, and they needed my permission to- to do something about it. How can you ask that of someone? How can you ask a loving husband and excited father to be to choose between his husband and unborn child? It wasn't fair. I didn't ask for this.

I sighed despondently as I leaned forward and let my head rest on his stomach, the baby bump. I tried, but couldn't stop a stray tear from falling when the soft, familiar kick wasn't there. It was still, just as if it had been empty, just a belly full of blood. It probably was though, he was bleeding internally and they couldn't fix it. They couldn't just put a happy, colourful Spiderman band-aid on the uterus or whatever it was that was bleeding. Not like my mom had done when I scraped my knee as a kid, telling me that a band-aid would always take the pain away.

If it only was that easy. I held his hand and brought it up to my lips, letting them run across the back of it for a few seconds before kissing each of the ice-cold fingertips. More tears escaped my already red eyes as I glanced towards the clock on the wall, wondering how it could only be 11:30 in the morning when it felt like I had been there for years. Was it really just that morning that I had woken up, missing him in bed?

I rolled over in bed, just wanting to get back to sleep as I had to get up early for work. Not opening my eyes I reached out an arm, searching for the sleeping body of my older husband but he wasn't there, there was just a warm spot where he had previously been. I moved further to my right in the bed, stealing his spot as I buried my face in his pillow, smelling his fruity shampoo on it. I sighed contently, hoping Gerard would be back from the toilet soon as I was about to drift off to sleep and wanted him in there to know he was okay.

I heard the toilet flush, showing that he was done in the bathroom, but instead of the bathroom door opening I heard a soft 'thump'. I assumed that Gerard had just knocked something over or something, but he didn't come back in. I should have gotten up to see what was taking him so long. I would have, but I was just getting closer to sleep and finally gave in.

I suppose I was just out for a few minutes, but something felt completely different when I awoke again. Everything felt off and Gerard still wasn't back from the bathroom. I sat up, not seeing anything as my eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness and I didn't hear anything either. If Gerard had gotten up on one of his midnight kitchen-raids there would be sounds, but I couldn't hear anything coming from anywhere in the house.

"Gerard?" I asked out loud, hoping that there was something other than just darkness listening. I was starting to get worried about him, and when I heard a quiet, barely audible whimper coming from behind the closed bathroom door I got up out of the bed immediately. I shivered in the night air, but shrugged it off as I approached the door, "Gee, baby, are you alright?"

"F-Frank?" I heard a hoarse whisper and twisted the doorknob, silently thanking Gerard for never locking the bathroom door at night. Time seemed to slow down and all these thoughts and 'What if?'s came running through my head, almost making me dizzy. What if he was hurt? Maybe even dying? He needed me, what if I couldn't help him?

"Frank, I need you to come to the hospital." Gerard's usually smooth voice was hoarse and raspy, sounding as if he had been crying as his voice flooded through my cellphone.

"Why? What's wrong, baby, what are you doing at the hospital?" I asked worriedly, immediately starting to have worst case scenarios playing out in my head.

"Nothing, just get here, please Frank? I just need to have you here." His voice pleaded with me and instead of asking any other questions I said I'd be there in ten minutes, still worrying and wanting to know what had caused my fiancé to be so upset.

I don't know what I had expected, if I really could have imagined something so bad, but shock and terror was mainly what was pumped around in my veins when I opened the door and found him. He was lying on his side on the white tiled floor, looking as if he tried to curl into a ball, but failing as his seven months pregnant belly got in the way. He was facing the wall, eyes wide open but they kept flickering around, not being able to focus on anything, not even my face as I sat down, carefully pulling his head onto my lap and turning his face up to look at me.

"Frank?" He looked at me but was still having trouble focusing as I carefully brushed his long dark hair out of his face. His face was partially covered in blood that was oozing out of a small cut on his forehead which he had probably acquired by hitting his head when he fell. It had mingled with the salty tears running down his face making it look like he was crying blood. Why had he fallen? What had happened?

"Yeah, I'm here, Gee. I'm here, baby." I felt tears of my own trickle down my cheeks as I grabbed one of his hands and kept seeking eye contact with him. I felt so powerless, not knowing what on earth I was supposed to do but worry and wonder what was wrong. Was my unborn son okay? "What happened? Do you- Do you know..." My words drifted off, worry controlling my system.

"It hurts. Make it stop hurting." He moved his free hand slightly down to his stomach and my eyes followed, for the first time seeing the pool of blood my husband was lying in. How could I not have noticed it before? It was so much, so red and such a huge contrast against the white tiles and Gerard's white skin as it was spreading from his middle, soaking his underwear.

"I'm going get you to the hospital, okay? Just wait here a minute, you'll be fine, baby." I got a few small towels from the cupboard next to me and put them under his head before getting up and running into the bedroom, pulling on whatever clothes I could find on the floor. I got a few large towels and blankets from our large wardrobe and got back in to Gerard, a few tears running down my cheeks as I saw him. He wasn't moving. His eyes had slipped shut and his chest was barely rising. I fell back down on my knees next to him, stroking his cheek.

"Gerard, open your eyes. Talk to me, sugar, don't fall asleep." His eyelids fluttered slightly. "You need to stay awake for me, for me and Aaron." He groaned lightly and his hand moved over his large belly.

"We- We're going to have a baby." He whispered, looking down at the floor instead of up at me, where I was standing in front of him and holding his hand. I reached my other hand out to his face, gently lifting his chin to try to look into his face, to try to understand, but he still looked away.

"Gerard, what are you talking about? What-" Had he, no he couldn't have, he wouldn't do that. He loved me, right? "Gee, how? Have- Have you che- cheated on me?" I swallowed deeply, clamping my eyes shut and forcing the tears that threatened to escape to stay hidden behind my eyelids.

I suddenly felt him reach out to me, pulling me into his arms as he buried his face in my hair, "Frank, no." He spread his legs where he was sitting on the hospital bed, letting me come even closer before he grasped one of my hands, moving it to his stomach. "We, you and I, are having a baby, Frank." His voice cracked at the end of the sentence and I felt the wetness of his tears in my hair as they fell from his eyes.

"Gee, that's... impossible." My arms automatically found their way around his body, holding him close to me as one of my hands threaded softly through his hair in a soothing manner. "You- You can't be- It's not possible." I whispered helplessly in his ear, wondering what to believe. Common sense that was backed up by science, or the words of my boyfriend?

"Frank, I am pregnant."

So it was possible, although it shouldn't have been. If it hadn't I wouldn't have been where I was, sitting in a dead hospital room, clutching on to the hand of my dying husband and running my hand over the belly where my son was. They told me that the baby was as good as dead, but that meant that there was still a chance. I couldn't give up on him, they had told me not to give up, although they were most definitely focusing more on Gerard than our baby, our son.

He wasn't kicking, and my husband was just bleeding, his heart rate dropping with every fifteen minutes, even though there was always an almost full bag of blood to be pumped into him, replacing the red liquid that spilled out of him. I hated that I couldn't feel his body heat or his hand holding on to mine, and I hated that I couldn't see his eyes. He wouldn't open them, not even when I cried and begged for him to do so, or when I cried and told him that his son needed him.

"Mr Anthony?" A female voice spoke behind me as she poked her in through the door. I hated her, not because I knew her or anything, but I hated every single person working at that place. I hated them for forcing me to do this. I turned my head to look at the young nurse, hoping that she could see the pain, love and inevitable indecisiveness in my face.

"It's Antoni." I corrected her shortly, hoping that she'd just go away and leave me with my family. I turned back to him, to them, and brought Gerard's hand up to my lips, kissing his knuckles softly.

"I'm sorry, Mr Antoni, but we need you to make a decision now. Just because he's hooked on machines and blood transfusions it doesn't mean he can live like this forever." I felt a hand on my shoulder and wished that it was bigger. I wished that it was Gerard's, and that I could actually feel him comforting me in some way, give me a sign of what to do.

"I just, I need more time." I whispered and she left the room, leaving me to think and grieve in peace. There wasn't a way to save both, was there? I knew what Gerard wanted me to do, he had told me just hours earlier, but I couldn't. I needed to find another way, there had to be one, whatever the price was. For the second time that morning I did something I never thought I'd do again; I prayed.

"He's not kicking." A fresh batch of tears escaped his eyes as he uttered those words, for the first time this morning looking straight at me without his eyes flickering around, and I realized that we really needed to get going if I didn't want to lose both my husband and unborn child. I got the towels and blankets and wrapped them around his body, cursing myself for letting him lie there in just his boxers which were soaked in blood.

I picked him up carefully and carried him through the house, talking to Gerard the whole time and trying to get him to say something back, to let me know how he was feeling or just anything, but he couldn't. His head was just hanging backwards as he was too weak to support it and I was afraid he was slipping out of consciousness again. I was afraid that it might be for good. "Gee, open your eyes, say something."

"Close your eyes sugar, just relax." He did as he was told, nuzzling his head in the crook of my neck as he lay halfway on top of me, one of his legs in between mine. My arms were wrapped tightly around him, his hands entwined with one of mine as my free hand gently rubbed his belly. It was still rather flat, since it had just been between two and three months, but we were both fully aware of what was growing in there. A very special baby.

"I'm sleepy, Frank." He whispered in my hair and I smiled, squeezing his hands softly as my other hand kept tracing patterns that only I could see on his stomach.

"I told you that you just need to relax, then it comes by itself. It's just your imagination that tells you that you need pills. You really don't, baby." He giggled softly and the short breaths warmed my neck.

"Not as long as I've got you." His hands released mine as he rolled over on to his stomach but still on top of me, supporting himself on his hands which were placed on either side of my head. "I love you." We both smiled at one another as he leaned in, attaching our lips in a tender kiss. One of my hands found it's way up to his face, gently caressing his cheek as we let the kiss deepen for a short moment before pulling away.

"I thought you said you were sleepy?" I gazed up in his pretty hazel eyes, noticing how tired and worn out they seemed. He needed sleep, but since he was forced to quit taking his sleeping pills because of his... pregnancy, he just couldn't get there. He smiled weakly and kissed the palm of my hand softly before taking my hand in his and laying down with his head in the crook of my neck.

"I am, but I don't think I can-"

"Just relax, Gee. Just sleep." Gently pressing a finger to his lips, I whispered in his hair before I once again wrapped my arms around him and let my fingers run over his pale, smooth stomach. I just lay there with him in my arms for I don't know how long, but I lay there until I felt his breathing slow down to a soft, even pattern, effectively telling me that he was finally sleeping.

"Gerard, don't leave me, don't fall asleep. You're okay, you and Aaron are going to be just fine. Just stay awake." Tears were constantly falling down my face as I carried my bleeding, lifeless and pregnant husband through our dark house. I had to put him down on the couch nearest to the door so I could go and open the car door and then go back in for Gerard to carry him outside and put him in the car. After unlocking and opening the door to the backseat of the car which was parked outside I ran back in, gathered my husband in my arms and kicked the door shut behind me as I hurried back out. I laid him down and somehow buckled the seatbelts around him to make sure he didn't roll off the seat before closing the door and running around the car and getting in on the drivers side.

I put the keys in the ignition, but then I just sat there without even starting the car up, leaning my head on the wheel as I sobbed. I couldn't understand it, why it was happening, what I had done wrong. Why had I been granted an amazing husband and even a child-to-be if I was going to lose them? Why were they being taken away from me? "Why is this happening to me? Why them?" I whispered to myself, before silently begging to whatever almighty force there might be in the world to not take my family away from me.

Why and how had all of this happened? The doctors had said that everything was great and that the baby seemed healthy just the day before, so what could possibly have crept up behind us and attacked so suddenly? Gerard had been just fine earlier that night, he just had some troubles with getting to sleep. Could he possibly have been so stupid that he- No, he wouldn't have done that. No matter how hard it had been for him to stop taking the sleeping pills he had been prescribed for six years, since he was twenty-three, he had accepted that he had to do it for his, our, baby. The doctors weren't sure at all how much Gerard's body would be affected by the pregnancy, or if the baby would be more sensitive than usual, so it was very important that he didn't take any medications or drank any alcohol, just to be on the safe side. He wouldn't have put our son at risk just like that, would he?

"I want an abortion." He whispered from where he lay on the bed, his back turned to me and staring straight at the wall. He had curled up in fetal position with a large pillow over his stomach, hiding what was there as if he just wanted to deny it ever happened. I left my position where I was standing by the door and climbed up on the bed, crawling over to Gerard and reaching my hand out to touch his shoulder, only to have him shrug it off. "Don't touch me!"

"Gerard, what's wro-" I tried again to put my hand on his shoulder to somehow try to soothe and comfort him, but as he interrupted me he also shrugged me off again.

"I just don't want to have this baby, Frank. I don't want to do it." His voice cracked slightly, signaling that he was crying and I tried a third time to come closer to him, holding in a sigh of relief when he finally let me. I carefully crept closer, not wanting to upset him any further, and slowly lay down behind him and wrapped my arms around his belly, lacing my fingers with his over the pillow. He didn't respond, but his breathing was strained from the crying and choked sobs, and I didn't know what else to do but to press my lips to his neck, hoping he would know that I was there for him.

"You can't possibly mean that, Gerard, not- not now. You're already five months long, you've been so excited until now, you can't just change your mind." I whispered softly, only to have his hands move away from mine in another attempt of shutting me out. "Just tell me why." I snaked my arms in around his stomach again, under the pillow this time so I could gently rub the growing bump. Then I felt something.

"I'm a freak. I want it to stop. I want to be normal again, please make it stop." I felt him tremble in my arms as he cried more heavily, letting the sobs out and I just tightened my grip and rubbed his belly, still amazed by the subtle movements I could feel inside. That's what he wanted to stop, but how could he? It was a miracle, our miracle, in there.

"You're not a freak, you're amazing. Why do you want it to stop? You used to really look forward to when we would be able to feel it." I kept moving my hands over his stomach, loving the feeling of my baby boy or girl moving underneath them.

"It's wrong. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm disgusting." He kept sobbing in my arms, and his words made me realize that he didn't mean it. He wanted this baby, but he was scared about carrying it. I moved my hands from underneath the pillow to remove it, and Gerard didn't even fight to keep it there, he just lay there. I gently grasped his hands in mine, putting them over his stomach so he could feel what I felt, and not just what could be felt on the inside.

"It's not wrong, Gee, it's beautiful. You're perfect and our baby is the most amazing baby in the world. I love you, both of you and I won't ever leave you. I'm here for you, Gerard." I kissed his neck softly and whispered with my lips still pressed to his skin, slowly feeling him starting to relax in my arms and I could also hear his breathing return to normal as the sobs ceased.

"I love you, Frank. I don't know what I would do without you." He whispered as he laced our fingers together properly over his stomach so we could both feel the soft movements inside, causing me to smile in his neck.

"You'll be the best dad ever, Gee."

I was suddenly awoken from my dreams and memories by small whimpers coming from the backseat and I jumped in surprise before turning around so I could look at him. "Gerard?" I whispered and got a painful groan in response. In the darkness of the car I could just vaguely make out his head turning from side to side as he tried to figure out what was happening and where he was. "Gee, say something?" I whispered, wanting to hear his voice, and wanting some kind of confirmation that I wasn't imagining it.

"Frank... Aaron's... he's- I think he's kicking." For the first and only time that morning my face lit up with hope and my heart rate sped up as I thought that there might be a chance, I might get to keep them both. "It hurts."

My happiness and hope didn't last long as I heard him cry in the backseat, but I did turn back forward and finally got the car going, intent on making the ten minute drive to the hospital no longer than five minutes. He couldn't- I wouldn't lose him. I wouldn't let myself do that, and I wouldn't let anyone take him away from me, nor would I let anyone cause any harm to my son. My own flesh and blood. It was finally sinking in, now in the middle of the night, that I was actually having a child of my own, but now I might lose him and never get to hold him in my arms anyway.

Not really knowing how I made it there without crashing, I eventually pulled up outside the ER, not caring about parking the car anywhere in particular. They could do whatever they wanted with it as long as my husband got some help. I unbuckled my seatbelt as fast as I could before opening my door, getting out and opening one of the backseat doors as well. I swiftly undid the seatbelts around Gerard, whispering sweet, soothing little nothings to him as he just whimpered weakly, drifting back into unconsciousness.

"Gerard, please stay awake. Don't leave me, I love you." I gently lifted him up and out of the car, for the first time looking around me, finding it to be nothing as I had expected. Realizing I had spent way too much time in my life watching stupid shows like 'ER' I stared at the empty area where I had expected ambulances to be, or at least doctors waiting for ambulances to come and bring them sick people to treat. It was empty.

As I started to walk towards the entrance, silently hoping that someone would come out and meet me with a wheelchair or a gurney or something, I felt Gerard squirming slightly inside the blankets, emitting louder whimpers and sounding as if he was trying to say something. "Shh baby, I'm getting you help." I whispered as I had to stop to tighten my grip on him, something that wasn't easy as I held the package of towels and blankets bridal style.

"P-pro-promise, Frank," I heard him say, the first thing he had said clearly enough for me to make out since he said that the baby was moving.

"What, promise what?" I asked, utterly confused. I had promised countless times to never leave him, and to never give up on him. He didn't seriously think I'd change my mind now, did he?

"I- I l-love yo-ou," he stuttered out, blood and tears cascading down his face, glittering in the sharp light from inside the hospital. But there was a smile on his lips, confusing me even more. "P-please, do-don' w-worry, don't worry a-about m-me." I felt my own tears pour out more heavily as we stood there in the cold night and I wanted to do nothing but reach my hand up and brush his hair out his face and wipe the tears and blood away. "P-pr-romise you'll s-save h-h-him."

"Gerard-" He couldn't ask that of me, I couldn't lose him.

"P-promise, n-no m-mat-matter w-what." I was shaking, and he probably was too, the cold doing nothing but worsening his already critical condition, but I couldn't move. I just couldn't do anything, not what he needed, not what he asked of me. "P-please, Frank." I knew it took all of his willpower and last strength to get out what he wanted to say, and I felt so guilty, knowing I should have just walked inside and let the doctors help him several minutes ago.

"I- I promise," I cried softly, and suddenly came back to reality where I could move and do something to at least try to help my dying husband, to try and save my unborn child. I walked hurriedly to the doors, now realizing that my arms and back was aching after holding Gerard up for so long, and fearing that I might drop him if I couldn't put him down soon.

Upon entering the calm ER I uttered one cry for help, immediately having several doctors and nurses running to my side, taking Gerard from my arms and eyes to a room where they quickly unwrapped him and started examining him. Another doctor grabbed me and brought me somewhere else to ask questions about what had happened and what his medical history was and if there was a special doctor they should call. I felt a cup of lukewarm, watery coffee get pushed into my hands as I answered the questions, feeling as in a trance. My mind wasn't even in that room but in the examination room where they had my pregnant, possibly already dead husband.

I hated what his last words to me had been, and I regretted what my last words had been. I didn't think I would be able to go through with giving him up to keep our son, our Aaron, alive and I shouldn't have promised to do it. If Aaron didn't make it- Gerard would hate me. He would never forgive me.

What was I meant to do now? He was lying there just before my eyes, pale and cold as if he was already gone, but he was alive. His heart was beating, no matter how weakly, it still beat, and the machines were breathing for him, filling his living body with oxygen. His face was relaxed, clean and pure, the tears and blood washed away by some nurse and the cut on his forehead was stitched together neatly. He wasn't stitched up on the inside though, the blood and life just flowing out of the veins where it belonged to fill up empty spaces in between the sensitive organs that worked so hard to keep the fragile body alive.

The doctors still weren't sure of what was wrong with him, but as soon as I had mentioned that he used to take sleeping pills and that he had occasionally said that he wanted to have an abortion, they had ordered multiple drug tests and were still waiting for them. I had asked them why they couldn't just pump out his stomach and make sure there weren't anything that could damage him any further in it, but they just said it could hurt the baby. It was the same thing with surgery, they couldn't open him up because of the baby. They couldn't do anything because they had to take the baby into consideration, especially since Gerard was a man and they weren't sure of 'how his ovaries were located'.

I groaned angrily, wanting to kick and throw everything and trash the room. I felt like punching the doctors, being so fed up with their constant bullshit. The excuses of not being able to do anything because of Gerard being a pregnant man that they didn't know how to treat were all lies. When Gerard got pregnant we had found out that the doctors had known about his abnormal physical state ever since he had his appendix removed as a kid, but not even his parents were told. Now they were stalling, wanting to get the media there so the hospital could sell our story and make money, not caring about us who really had to pay the highest price. Because of their fucking greed I was sat here for ages, being told that there was nothing I could do but wait as they did everything they could to save Gerard without hurting the baby. Then all of a sudden they come and tell me that I have to give them permission to abort the baby; that I had to let them kill my son to save my husband.

I was close to doing it several times; just wanting to get it all over with and wanting to have Gerard back, I almost chose to sacrifice my baby. I kind of hoped that it would be like in the bible, and that God was just testing me to see if I was willing to give up my child to have Gerard back like Abraham was told to sacrifice his own son to God. God had let him know he was only testing him just before he took the boys life and I forced myself to believe that if I let them take Aaron they would come back five minutes later and tell me that they didn't have to do it. I tried forcing myself to believe it but I couldn't. I couldn't find it in me to just let go of my son when I had promised Gerard I would fight for him and save our boy. But the fetus was like a parasite, eating away at Gerard's body, energy and will to live just as the doctors and media fed on our misery. They weren't even sure that the baby was alive any more, but I couldn't give up just yet. Gerard didn't want me to give up and the doctors had said that the baby's pulse might just be too weak for any monitors to sense it.

I clutched my husband's cold, lifeless hand tightly in mine, pressing my face to it just to feel it as warm tears started streaming out of my eyes once more that day. "Please wake up, Gee. Just come back! I can't do this without you. I can't choose," I sobbed, wishing he could just hold me like he used to do before his stomach got to big and was in the way. The stomach that hosted what was the cause of all of our problems. I wanted nothing more than to have Gerard back and I'd honestly give up anything, even my son, but he would hate me. He asked me to save the baby, the possibly already dead fetus that was tearing apart his insides, making him bleed more and killing him by slowly sucking the life out of his heart. He begged me to save Aaron instead of saving him and I had promised that I would.

I leaned back, still gripping his hand tightly as I looked at his calm face, wishing that the sweet smile on his lips actually meant something. He looked so relaxed just because he trusted me and I wished he wouldn't. I saw in my head how desperate he had looked early that morning when I found him, how his tears had mingled with blood, making it all into a tragic but beautiful painting. I looked at his empty smile again and remembered his last real smile of happiness from the night before.

I couldn't help but smile as I gazed into his eyes, amazed by how happy he seemed and how his entire face lit up with the beautiful grin on his lips. His eyes sparkled as if all the stars in the sky were captured and put into his magical pools of hazel. They were so full of life, so beautiful and so happy; he hadn't even been close to this kind of happiness since we got married, the thought of having a baby making it much more difficult to focus on the bright side of things.

He leaned down and attached his lips to mine affectionately and I happily kissed him, my hands resting on his large belly where I could feel our baby kick. His hand cupped the side of my face as he pulled away, smiling as he whispered, "I'm so happy." I smiled and took his hand as I lay down on our bed, waiting for Gerard to take his place beside me. "I'm so happy we finally decided to find out the baby's gender today. I just can't believe we're having a son, a little boy." I sat up next to him, one of my hands stroking his hair out of his face as the other once again found his beautiful belly.

"Me too, baby. I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before." I kissed his lips tenderly before laying down with my head on his chest, feeling it rise and sink rhythmically below my head.

"Do you still think I'll make a good dad? I kinda feel like I can actually do this now." One of his hands threaded softly in my hair as I grasped the other one and kissed his fingertips softly.

"You'll be the best dad ever." I smiled and rolled over, pressing my lips to his stomach. "Ain't that right, little guy?" I lay down with my head on his stomach, ear pressed to his skin as I listened but didn't hear anything. Gerard was still running his fingers softly through my hair and looked at me strangely as I smiled up at him.

"We need to decide on a name for him. We can't avoid it anymore now that we know it's a boy," he sighed happily.

"He could be Frank IV... What do you think?" I smiled, rolling over again and moving up to his face, sealing the question with a peck on his lips, gazing into his eyes as I pulled away.

"Yeah, that's okay. I've always loved Aaron, though." I was instantly disappointed that he didn't want to give our son the name I had inherited after my father and grandfather. I had always been a bit sad about not being able to have a son to give that name to because I was gay, and now that I was having a son he wouldn't get that name anyway. The disappointment must have been evident on my face because Gerard immediately continued, "If you hate it, it's okay. We'll go with Frank if that's what you want, baby."

I smiled widely, tears welling up in my eyes as I kissed him deeply again, silently thanking him for being so amazing when I acted so selfishly. This man who was my husband was actually giving me a child, the son I had always dreamed of having, and I was acting like a spoiled brat because I couldn't give my baby a certain name. "Aaron it is."

His eyes glittered in surprise and happiness when I pulled away and his hands encircled my face, caressing my cheeks tenderly. "Really? If you don't-"

"I love it, Gerard, and I love you. Frank is a bit out-of-date anyway." He pulled my face back down for another sweet, passionate kiss, both of us smiling happily.

"I love you too. You are amazing, thank you so much for being here, for doing this with me." A stray tear slipped out of the corner of his eye, running down in his hair. I smiled at him as I wiped the trace away and he continued, "Thank you for giving me our little boy and making me the happiest man in the world. I'm sorry about being so... difficult, about everything before. I just- I want you to know that there is nothing in the world that I'd rather do than raise our son with you." More tears glimmered in his eyes and I felt them well up in my eyes as well as I leaned in and connected our lips once more.

"Thank you, Gerard. I love you more than you'll ever know," I whispered against his lips, smile playing on both of our lips as tears were still visible in our eyes.

"I think I know more than you give me credit for," he whispered and I pecked his lips before lying down with my head on his shoulder and my arm across his stomach. I pressed my lips to his skin and both felt and heard Gerard let out a soft sigh, "I can't wait 'til we get to see and hold him. I just want to know that it's for real."

It was real, too real for me to like it. "I- I'm sorry Gerard. I'm sorry, but I can't lose both of you, especially not you. I'm so, so sorry." I kissed his hand, letting my lips travel over the cold skin as my hot tears flowed down my cheeks, some of them landing on the back of his hand. "I'm sorry I can't give you up for him, I- I'm s-sorry I can't k-keep my p-promise." I stood up, my left hand still holding his as my other hands slid up his arm to his shoulder, neck and his face. My thumb brushed over his cheek as if to wipe away the tears that should have been there, and my fingers traced over his face, lightly brushing the closed eyelids. "I'm sorry you won't get to hold him in your arms or see him like you want to. I'm sorry I have to let him go."

I was trembling as I reached for the button which would call a nurse to the room, knowing that as soon as I did this it was final. My son would be dead. I pressed it anyway, knowing that I'd soon change my mind if I didn't do it quickly when I had finally set my mind on it; on saving my husband.

"Frank?" A voice spoke behind me and I recognized it as Dr Olsen, Gerard's doctor, the man who had been with us through this whole ordeal and had been supposed to deliver the baby. He wouldn't get to do that, no one would ever hear the beautiful first cry of our son because there could be none.

"I want you to save him. I need to have Gerard back." My hands still trembled as the left one still gripped his tightly and the right one once again caressed his cheek.

"I promise, they'll do their best. But you need to understand that his state is very critical, Frank. Considering his current state with the terrible loss of blood he already is weak. His body might not be able to take the surgery, he might not make it." I turned around to look at the kind face of a man in his fifties with gray, thinning hair and spectacles perched on his nose. I knew he was telling the truth, only to warn me and prepare me for what could happen. He was the only one who had always cared for us and how we were coping with our situation instead of trying to sell us out like most people would have.

"I know, but he'll make it. He's strong and I have faith in him. He wouldn't leave me like this," I whispered, turning back to Gerard's sleeping form. I don't know how much I meant of what I said, I might just have been trying to convince myself to believe in him and have faith in that he'd come back and recover. I needed him to be okay and to forgive me for being so selfish and claiming him to myself.

"I'll get someone to take him up to the OR then. If you want to say goodbye to him, this will be the only opportunity you get before the surgery. Use it well, Frank." I heard him exit the room, signalling that what could be my last time with Gerard started. But I couldn't say goodbye to him. He wasn't dead yet. If I said goodbye, he might believe that I wanted him to go and he'd give up.

"I love you, Gerard. I love you so much and I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I do and I just hope you'll come back to me. Forgive me, baby. Please." My hand was now stroking his hair, trembling fingers running through the dark locks as I bent down, firmly placing my lips on his pale forehead. The tears on my face dripped down on his skin and hair, leaving a final trace of me on him so that I would never leave him, mentally or physically.

"I love you so much, Gerard, so much more than you'll ever know. Please come back to me." I straightened my back as Dr Olsen returned, a few nurses with him to take Gerard away. But not forever, I reminded myself. They'd only take him away to repair him, to fix him so he could be mine again. He'd come back to me, and we could maybe have another baby. We'd make it and we would have our family.

I reluctantly let go of him, my hands leaving his soft hair and the familiarity of his hand. Tears rolled silently down my cheeks as a warm hand patted my shoulder comfortingly, belonging to the man watching the bed being rolled out of the room with me.

"You'll be fine, Frank. No matter what the outcome is today, you will make it," Dr Olsen said calmly but I only sniffled loudly in reply, feeling so alone now that I couldn't even see my husband. That's when I realized how long the next few hours were going to be, how horrible it would be to wait for the answer, to find out if my prayers had been answered at all.

I was showed out to the waiting room where all sorts of different people were, all for different reasons. Some were young and some were old. Some looked sad and some looked as if they'd always have a bright outlook on life, no matter how difficult it was. Some looked terribly sick whereas some looked completely well. It was strange to see them all and wonder what their stories were, why they were there. Were their situation perhaps slightly similar to mine or was I actually as alone in the world as I felt? The clock was ticking by and I felt lonelier with every passing minute, I felt more dead with every hour that was lost in that damn waiting room where everything was so hideously anonymous. Gerard wasn't dead, was he?

I received the answer to my final question around three hours after Gerard had been taken away and my face and heart lit up with hope as I saw the doctor and friend walk through the room and towards me. I couldn't read his face and, when he asked me to go somewhere else to talk, my heart immediately sank again. It was bad. He led me to the family room and asked me to sit on one of the old, uncomfortable couches as he sat down in an armchair on the other side of a small coffee table. I hadn't cried at all during the long wait but, as I sat down with the doctor, I felt the tears creeping back into my eyes and down my face as I stared down at my hands, resting in my lap.

"I'm sorry, Frank, there was nothing we could do." I could literally feel my heart split in two, no thousands of tiny parts, at the realization of everything being gone. "The best surgeons we have did everything they could, but he had lost too much blood. His heart stopped four times, and the fourth time it just wouldn't start back up again." Large teardrops kept flowing out of my eyes but I still cried silently, not having enough energy to sob or even sniffle every now and then. I was tired, exhausted and heartbroken. I was alone.

"He is still upstairs if you want to see him. Your son is too," he said sadly.

"Why did this happen? He was fine yesterday, why did he get sick?" I whispered, not looking up from my hands that just lay limply in my lap.

"We don't know. He might have had a better chance of making it if we had been able to operate sooner. I'm sorry Frank. Do you want to see them?" I looked up at him and shook my head. I couldn't look at them, although I wanted to. It was my fault; I shouldn't have waited for so long to let them help him. I should have known from the beginning that everything was over.

We should have known it. We had been fooling ourselves completely, actually believing that we were meant to do this, and have a baby together just because it happened. Coincidences don't happen for a reason, some times it's just nature that has fucked up. Two men aren't supposed to have a baby, they aren't supposed to get pregnant, no matter how right it feels and how well it seems to be going. It was wrong and Gerard had been right all along. If he had had that abortion he wanted he'd be okay now. We'd be together. We had clearly been punished for our naivety though. A family like ours was just never meant to be.

Or so I thought. I saw a figure behind me. I was sure it was Gerard.
'Frank. What's wrong?'
I froze. Was I imagining this? Was my husband? Standing wrote in from of me?
"How can u be here? How is it possible?" Tears were pouring down my face, drowning in my tears. I pressed my lips up against his. I couldn't feel anything, the soft brush of his lips against mine. Nothing. I didn't understand, I was shaking all over and tears wouldn't stop. What was happening?
"Please don't cry Frankie. Listen up, I need your help. Meet me in the cemetery at 2:00 am tomorrow morning." He whispered as I saw him slowly fade away.

I wish he hadn't gone and left me like that. He left me with so many things in my head. Why did I see him, how could I help him? Why is he giving me so much time to wait, why did it have to be at 2:00? Just as I got home, mom arrived.
"How's my darling Frank and his..err.. husband?" I felt tears seeping out my eyes again.
"He died mom." With that she left in silence. She had always disliked Gerard from the point when she heard me say I love you to him. She was a strict catholic, she didn't believe in this 'nonsense'.

I checked the time, it was nearly the time that I'd see Gerard again. It started to hit me how overwhelming this really was. I had to look my best, whether or not Gerard could touch me. I don't want him to see the pain his death put me through. I started to question why he could love someone like me but then I thought about our life together. How passionate he was about his art, his adorable laugh, the way he caressed my cheek, the innocence and love in his voice when he sung to me at night.

After all this time , I realised I better get going. After all, the love of my life was waiting for me. I ran up to the lonely, dark cemetery. I didn't realise how cold and creepy this place was before. I carried on walking towards it when I realised, Gerard hadn't told me where to meet him! Maybe he wanted me to wait outside or to go in. Before I could panic in fear I would't see him, the cemetery gate swung open. I nearly wet myself.

As I walked into the cemetery , all I could imagine was zombies shooting from out of the ground, dragging me deeper and deeper into their pits of despair. I felt warm air around me. I let out a yelp.
"It's okay ,Frankie. It's just me. Thank you for coming, it really means a lot to me. I know how you hate cemetery " Sweet Gerard had whispered me out of those sweet caring lips.
"I'd anything to feel the warmth and gentleness of your lips again ,Gee." I was so shocked I said that a loud, he wasn't meant to hear that.
"You will soon enough when you help me."

He kept on saying that he needed help but he wasn't getting straight to the point.
"For hell's sake. Just tell me what you wanted me to do!" I said angrily. I didn't mean for it to come out that way but I was getting so annoyed with all this waiting that I didn't care.
"Well, we need someone who has connection to the dead. An immortal being. Like LynZ."
"No, not her, Gee. You know how I feel about her."

LynZ had been the girl he had left for me. Every time she saw us she practically flirted with Gerard to try and get her to be his. He just played along until I said how upset it was making me. She hated my guts, why would she help me?

"Frank, she's the only one who I know can help us."
"She hates my guts."
"Do you want to save me or not? She'll do it for me. She'll think there is a chance of us getting back together if she saves me,"
"There isn't is there?"
"I wouldn't have married you if there was. Please just do it for me sweetie." I couldn't say no to Gerard, I needed him. He was my whole life, my savior.
"Goodbye Frank " He smiled fading away.
"Will I ever see you again?"
"I can promise you that you will." He blew me a kiss "This is how I disappear."

My head was pounding in the morning. I realised it was the pounding of the door being knocked upon. It sounded like whoever was knocking wanted to knock the door down and the house with it. I swung open the door. It was LynZ.
"I've been knocking for ages! Why didn't you answer?"
"I was asleep. What do you want anyway?"
"I saw Gerard last night, he told me to come and see you in the morning about bringing him back to life. I've been knocking since half 4!"
"Sorry, I was up till 3:30 am."
"Gerard's life is at stake here Frank! I don't want to do this as much as you do Frank but it's for Gerard. " I realised how selfish I was. She was stressing about Gerard's life while I was just sleeping in. I should have been crying all night like she had been.

"I need you to bring the youngest cousin you have. Go!" She pushed me out the door. Anything was better than staying with that pushy tart. The youngest cousin I had was Chains and no one wants to mess with his Chains. You see, it's very dangerous where he lives. There's no police, no firemen, nothing. His parents idiotically named him Chains to try and scare the neighbours. It didn't work so his brothers Kenzy and Robbie bullied him death about it. The neighbour hated Kenzy so he bought him some chains so he could hit him with it.

I knocked on the door to find Ronnie in his boxers.
"What do you want Frank?" He clearly wasn't a good mood.
"I came to see Chains. Erm, Ronnie, why are you in your boxers at 12 pm?"
"I overslept. Chains is just in his room. Careful when you go in there, he's fighting with Kenzy again ." I walked cautiously up to the door. The door suddenly swung open, with Kenzy storming out of it. Chains appeared with a casual "What's up?"
"Err, LynZ needs you too come to my house."
"Sure." He said, rushing to brush his long black silky hair. "Anything for her."

Chains had a not so secret crush on her and her room mate Rosaline for a while, two years ago, on his 12th birthday to be exact. He just loved women with attitudes When we got to the door, Chains was glowing excitement. When she finally answered, he rushed her into a hug, Chains practically towering him in his rocker boots.
"Okay then. Chains, could you sit other there." She pointed to the chair furthest away from her.
"Okay!" he said, eyes full of light. LynZ took me and herself into the hallway. "Do you think he'll mind me getting some of his blood. I need it to bring Gerard back..."
"You'd have to kiss him first." I laughed. Surprisingly she walked in and kissed him.
"Chains, could I use some of your blood please?" she said
"Sure." He was so happy from that kiss that he didn't care what she'd do to him.

I went to get a blade from out the draw when I stumbled upon a suicide note, saying "I can't live with this baby inside of me anymore Frank. I know you want this baby but I can't handle all of this pain. I'm a circus freak, your mom even said so herself. I'm sorry"
I thought back to when I stumbled upon him in the bathroom, had he been trying to hurt himself? If I hadn't been so keen on having a baby then he would be he right now. I checked the knife to see if it had any blood stains on it even though I was pretty sure I wouldn't find any.

After I had checked it 100 times, I scurried back in to the living room with the sharp thing pointing away from my chest.
"Finally, me and Chains have been waiting ages. Why are you hold the Knife like that? You look like you want to stab someone. Just give me that knife." She snatched the knife out of my hand and cut though the young, soft skin of his palm.
"Ow, it hurts." She looked at him with bitterness with her eyes.
"You should be used to it, the amount of slits you have on your arms. Here, hold your hand out." He did as she told him, the look of fear in his eyes.

I couldn't face him or her, it was just too sickening to watch. I didn't know how much blood she needed from him.
"Hey, Frank, stop daydreaming! I need you to get me that blood bag off the shelf."
"Why did you need a blood bag and Chains'es blood? Isn't his blood enough?"
"You'll see why soon. Just pass me that blood bag and some disinfectant." I had to watch this time, I didn't want her hurting Chains anymore than you already had.

She was pouring some of Chains'es blood in the blood bag, making it go pure black.
"Why has it gone black?" Chains whimpered.
"The blood from the blood bag was from an immortal being. I needed your blood because it is pure and fresh. If it didn't have his blood in it then he would reject it."
"Who would?"
"Jeremy. I need to inject this mixture of blood in him to cure him so he can bring back Gerard."
"Why, is Gerard dead?"
"Shut up and bandage up your arm. Don't forget to use the disinfectant!"

Me and LynZ walked over to Jeremy's bed side, holding the thick black liquid. I went to go get a funnel.
"Why the hell have you got a funnel?! I want a needle!"
"Well you need a funnel so that the blood goes in the needle."
"Just go get Gerard's body from the hospital. You better be quick!"
"Why do I have to?"
"I'll squirt blood on you in a minute!"

I rushed to the hospital. I had never seen Gerard's body before. His love struck eyes were hidden underneath his soft eyelids. I could help but weep. Why did I let him go through this? Why did I have to be so keen to have this baby? All the pain caused by one tiny human being who does even know what pain means. I turned to Aaron and all my anger turned in to soft weeps. Why did they both have to die? Why couldn't they both stay alive, with me so I could protect them?

I couldn't handle all the questions in my head so I fled from the hospital with Gerard's body but not with out taking a glance at my poor darling Aaron. When I arrived back to what I assumed was Jeremy's house, a dark figure approached me.
"Hi, I'm Jeremy." He held his hand out to shake, making me notice his black veins, matching his glossy black hair which passed smoothly over his shoulders. He had pale blue eyes that sparkled in the sunlight like diamonds, skin as sickenly white as the hospital.
"You gonna shake his hand then?" I was speechless, I just couldn't stop looking at his veins. I realised everyone was probably wondering why I was doing so I shook his suprizingly soft hands.
"Well we best get to work now Frank." he smiled.

I was taken into a softly lit room, candles on every top in a color range from the deepest purple to the palest blue.
"I best be leaving you guys then. Bye Jeremy, bye Frankenstein." LynZ scowled. It suddenly hit me, wasn't LynZ supposed to be bring Gerard back to life?

After LynZ left, all sorts crazy scenarios started to pop in my head. What if this is a joke? What if Jeremy was going to kill me?
"Why are you shaking, Frank? I hope your not going to be like this when you help me bring Gerard back to life. Hey, don't be scared. It'll be okay."
"I thought LynZ was supposed to be doing this."
"No, her connections to the dead have been cut off since she messed with that Ouija board. I have a stronger connection anyway."
"What did you need curing from, Jeremy?"
"I just needed more blood cells to strengthen my body. When someone dies who I know, my body weakens, meaning I need blood from the youngest in their lover's family to be mixed with mine. Hold your hands out. I need to hold his lover's hands to connect with him."

Jeremy started rambling a load of words whilst he closed his eyes and clung to my hands. I only recognised the mention of mine and Gerard's names. His skin started turning a ghostly pale white and his skin became increasingly colder.
"Jeremy, stop!"
"I can't. He saved my wife's life and now I must sacrifice mine."
I tried to let go, I didn't want this poor young man to die, he had a wife to take care of.
"Tell my wife and my unborn child that I love them and that I will be back again, some way and some how."
His grip started to tighten, blood and tears flooding from his eyes.
"I love you my sweet angels." His hands suddenly let go, following his collapse on the floor. I couldn't help but cry, he saved my husband. I heard someone whimper my name. It was Gerard!

"Frankie, am I dead?" I rushed up to him and hugged him. I kissed him all over his face, loving that I could feel his soft skin again.
"No your not dead any more. This is a miracle. I love you, I LOVE YOU!" I fell on him, crying with so much happiness. Nothing else mattered anymore, I had my other half back. He was my whole world, I was nothing without him.
"Calm down, Frank. You'll hurt yourself! Can you help me get out of here please?"
"Okay." I smiled but that smile soon disappeared when the dreaded question appeared.
"Where's Aaron?"

I carried on walking with Gerard over my shoulders.
"Hello? Are you deaf?"
"I'll tell you when you get in!" I sobbed, angrily. I didn't want to think about it. When we got home, I sat him down.
"He had to die when the doctors tried to save you. There was no chance of him to survive. I bet you hate me now. I just wanted to save you but I kept on putting it off bgecause I made a promise to you and.." Gerard placed his finger on my lip.
"Shush now Frankie. I'm don't hate you, I'm love you. You shouldn't be getting upset about this, you had no choice. I should have never made you promise that."
"I'm sorry Geebear." He hugged me, wipping my tears away and gave me a seducive look.
"You know what you could do to make it up to me?"
"What?"
"The thing that made this baby. But this time, I'll try not to get pregnant."

A couple of weeks after that night, I found a pregnancy test. It was positive! My face lit up with joy, I had another shot at being a father
"Gerard! You didn't tell me you were pregnant!" I just on him with excitement. We were having another baby!

Gerard

The waiting room in the clinic was very boring, to put it simply. It was dull, with gray walls, gray linoleum floor, no decorations anywhere, and just seven pink plastic chairs. The chairs squeaked annoyingly whenever I moved just a fraction inch, and they wasn't shaped in a way that supported my body very well. There was a loud ticking noise coming from the clock in the reception area just outside the door, and it was slowly driving me crazy. I wished I could've put my headphones in my ears so I could put on some music to drown it out, but if I had done that I wouldn't have heard when it was my turn and when they called my name out.

I was picking at my nails, my cuticles, my hands in general, and tearing tiny bits of skin off. It didn't hurt much, just in a way that I found was stress relieving. I used to bite my nails too, but I stopped, and now this was my one and only really bad habit I had. My nails were uneven, and it was so easy to rip small bits off. It was easy enough to distract me from the reason I was here, in the gray room with pink plastic chairs. In an abortion clinic.

There was a nagging feeling in me, a slight ache that was slowly easing its way over my skin and into my body, infiltrating the air I breathed and my red blood-cells delivering it to the rest of my body. My head, the tips of my fingers and toes, my heart and all of my internal organs. I was instinctively rested my hand on stomach. I felt nothing for the being inside of me, I told myself. I didn't want my baby, I shouldn't have feel the need, a natural craving to protect it. It shouldn't have been in me, I shouldn't have felt like a mother.

I was trying to erase every single feminine thing in myself.I wanted all the faulty parts I'd been born with, making me both a man and a woman, entirely gone. I just wanted the psychological errors to vanish too, to make them go away so I could easily live without any remorse. I shouldn't have needed to wish for that. I was man. Men don't get pregnant. Me getting rid of something that's clearly wrong, both biologically and morally, was only natural.

I still rubbed it with my thumb over my belly, though, rubbing up and down at the bump that was still invisible to me. I supposed that I could feel it there, but I wasn't really registering it. I only wanted to forget about the whole thing. Frank never stopped going on about how I was beautiful and my tiny bump, though, and at those times I didn't know whether to scream or cry or to just suck it up and pretend. I usually went with the latter option, putting on a happy face for my husband and the father of my baby. In reality, I wished that Frank had simply never found out about the pregnancy. I never intended for him to do so, but Frank had found the test and there was no use in denying what was obvious.

A woman in a nurse's uniform entered the room. She calls my name, and gives me a friendly smile as I gathered up my coat and bag, finally getting up and leaving my red plastic chair.

The apartment was dark and empty when I unlocked the door and entered a few hours later. I knew that Frank got off work at five today, so he'd be home at any second now, bursting in through the door and asking how my day was. Frank would ask if my mom ever found a couch that she liked and that would go with her freshly re-painted living room, because I had told Frank that I was going to help her find one. I actually did that a week ago, though.

"Gee, I'm home!" came the familiar voice.
"Hey." I greeted him with a kiss, softly laying my lips upon Frank's as my hands weave through Frank's silky brown locks. Frank's hands immediately got up to my stomach, caressing it softly as he grinned into the kiss. I suppressed a slight urge to flinch as I imagined the empty hole that's left after the abortion. An empty space within me.

"How are my babies today?" Frank asks softly upon breaking the kiss, lovingly looking into my dark eyes. I saw nothing but pure love and devotion in Frank's green eyes, and I hoped that my eyes were relatively the same. I didn't want them to give away the guilt I felt towards Frank. The guilt I felt when I kissed Frank gently on the lips, one more time, and told him that we were both just perfect.

"The morning sickness is dissipating too. It's not that bad at all any more." We both smiled at my reply, and stood in the hallway for a while, just holding one another. With me to feed on Frank's love and support, Frank needed to feel as close as he could to me and my unborn child. Frank's hands were still on my belly, under my shirt, so they were directly on the skin. It felt nice, I thought. "I love you."
"I love you too, so much," Frank breathed into my hair, then inhaled the sweet scent of green apples that he identified as my shampoo.

We had dinner, some pasta carbonara that Frank threw together, and although I thought I wouldn't be able to stomach a thing, I found that it went down quite easily. Frank told me about his day, how some stupid thirteen year olds tried to shoplift, but were caught, and still denied it when a security guard pulled a bottle of coke from one of their pockets. Frank laughed softly as he told the story, saying it was the most exciting thing that had happened at the supermarket in a long time. I smiled and listened, wondering if it would still be like this in a year. If it would have been like that if I had kept the baby.

We watched Hell boy on TV until it was time to go to bed, both of us yawning widely as we shut off all the lights in the apartment and went to the bedroom. I went to brush my teeth first, and when I returned to Frank, Frank was wearing just a t-shirt and boxers, looking as gorgeous as ever. i changed into the same attire as Frank went to the bathroom, and crawled in under the warm covers as I waited for Frank to come and cuddle up with me.
When Frank comes, he instantly wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing my neck and whispering that he loves us both. And then I broke.
"I had an abortion, Frank."
A week has passed, and nothing was the way it should be.

Frank hasn't spoken a word to me, he hasn't touched me, and as far as I knew, he hasn't even looked at me since I told him about the abortion. We still live under the same roof, though, in the same house. We sleep in the same bed, eat the same food and watch the same television.
But we never say a word to each other.

Frank leaves just before nine in the morning to go to work, and I usually leave half an hour later, either for a shift at the art supply store, to visit my mother or, on Thursday, an appointment with my therapist. On the weekend, Frank leaves just as early even if he doesn't have work, and doesn't come home until long after midnight.

I didn't fall asleep until I've heard the Frank return home safely, but I still didn't make a sound to show that I was still awake. I didn't roll over and take Frank into my arms and holds him until we both fall asleep. I simply pretended not to notice the dip of the mattress and the click of Frank turning the light off.

I just listen to Frank's breathing and can tell exactly when he falls asleep, when the sound becomes more relaxed and less angry. I wondered if Frank could do the same thing with me, if the Frank had heard that I was still awake, but I figured that Frank had been too drunk to care.
The next morning Frank was still sound asleep when I got up, but I put a glass of water and some aspirin on his bedside table before leaving, as a small peace offering. I wanted to say that I understand that Frank is mad, but until Frank speaks to me, I'm not going to say anything out loud either.

My mother told me he's too stubborn, but Frank probably is, too. Then she said it's probably best to keep doing what I was doing and wait for Frank to say something, to give him time and not stress him about it. I walked her to church as we spoke, but I didn't follow her inside. I hadn't felt welcome in there for over ten years, because of my sexuality, even though Father James always gave me a warm smile and asked if I was okay.

I politely replied and walked back home to find the apartment empty again. I had only been away for an hour, but I assumed Frank had already left and I know he doesn't return home until late at night. He wasn't as late as he was on Saturday, but still late and drunk. The water and aspirin I had put out for him that morning was still waiting for him. When I finally remembered to look on Monday morning, when Frank had already left, the pills and the glass were gone.

On the Tuesday, exactly one week after I told Frank about the abortion, I was late because I went for coffee at my mother's after work, and my uncle had been there so I had stayed for longer than I expected.

It's almost half seven when I stepped into the apartment, and I expected to find some cold dinner in the fridge, but it seems like Frank hasn't cooked at all. The small kitchen looks just like it had when I had left that morning, everything completely untouched. I was so sure had seen Frank's shoes by the door, though, and his coat had definitely been there when I hung my own coat on the hook.

I got the answer to my unspoken question when I heard the sound of soft sobs coming from my bedroom. I went in there with slow and cautious steps, not sure what to actually do, what Frank will let me do. I don't think that Frank has cried before, about the lost baby, at least not in front of me.Maybe this is progress? I hoped it would be. It had to be. Me and Frank hadn't spoken in such a long time.

The door was slightly ajar, and when I pushed it open he can see Frank on or bed with a knife, towards the dainty skin of his wrist. Then he dropped it, he just couldn't go through with it, he didn't want to think of the times I had done it in the past. He curled up on his side, facing the window where the raindrops are creating beautiful effects on the cold cobwebs ,clouding up the window. The room was very dark but I just left it that way as he pushed the door almost shut again before crawling onto our bed, behind Frank.

I didn't go too close, just reached out to touch his shoulder, but Frank just shrugged me off with one of his soft sob. I was just laid in silence, and so was Frank. I moved onto my back, staring at the dark ceiling like I did when we made love. I'd pretend that there were stars inside our bedroom just to light up that boring, dark ceiling. Stars shining just for us, only us.

It seemed like years since I did that, now. Frank isn't cuddling up next to me, sweaty and happy as he rubs his gentle hand over my damp chest and belly until we both fell asleep. He's got his back turned away from me and the air was so cold and the only sounds I could make out were the sobs escaping from my husband, my Frank.

Then tears started pooling up in my own eyes and a light sniffle got out before I could stop it, I couldn't help but sob. I wasn't gonna stop sobbing until blood seeped from my eyes. I was crying so much because Frank was crying, because Frank hadn't talked to me in a week. I missed my snuggle buddy. We could have had a baby and been happy, but I selfishly got rid of it. I was crying because I wanted to be a man but I couldn't see how to be when I was so upset. I couldn't stand to see my baby cry like that.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered out in between sobs as I gassed up at the ceiling. "I'm so sorry, Frankie!" The tears were falling even heavier now, streaming like small rivers down my cheeks, and my chest was heaving with the sobs, my throat swelling as a lump forms in it, and I cried like I hadn't cried since I was a teenager and found out about my condition. I had cried into his mother's warm embrace that time, but now I was all alone and felt so unloved.

I heared Frank somewhere in the distance, his sobs and sniffles blocking all other sounds as if they were coming from behind a thick veil. It was definitely there, though, the sound of Frank crying, sobbing and sniffling, just like I was. We were crying together, but we were so far away from each other, and I just wanted cradle him in my arms, I wanted it to take our pain and sobs away.

"Would you please just say something?" I wasn't sure how much time has passed since I started crying, but it felt like hours. My throat felt raw, the skin of his cheeks were so sore and red and my eyes were swollen and hurt. Still, the tears were falling. I knew Frank was in twice as much pain as me.
"What do you want me to say?" Finally, Frank's voice broke the intense silence that had been hovering in the apartment for a week, making me in total shock.

I took in a deep breath and it sort of cleansed me, making it easier to breathe afterwards, as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest. "Anything," I replied, rolling over onto my side again, facing the back of Frank's neck. I wanted to reach out and place a kiss there so badly, but I just knew I couldn't.
"Why?" Frank asked, at first, before adding, "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice cracked, and I started to imagine a fresh batch of tears flowing down Franks beautiful cheeks as they escaped his oh so gorgeous eyes and cheeks.

It was such difficult question to answer because I knew it had been wrong, going behind Frank's back like that, and I had considered telling him for the longest time. I just was so scared that I was going to die like last time and lose another child. That's why I had actually waited so long to go and have it done.

"Because I can't deny you anything, you know I can't." I finally replied in a hoarse whisper. I knew that if I had told Frank what I was going to do and that Frank would have asked me not to get the abortion done, I wouldn't have been able to go through with it. He never could say no to Frank, no matter what it was about. For example, when Frank decided to not go to college, but to get a job so he could take care of me and the baby I had tried to tell him not to throw away his future like that, but nothing came out of my mouth. I wish I could have told him not to but those words just wouldn't come out of my big mouth.

"I had to do this for me, Frank, and if I had told you, I would only have kept the baby for you. " Frank rolled over suddenly, ending up almost on top of me, but he scooted back before it can really be any more awkward than it already was.

"Why didn't you tell me you didn't want the baby?" Frank's eyes were glossy from crying, his face is flushed and his hair was such a mess, but he's still the most beautiful man that I had ever seen. His lips were so dry and chapped, but I wanted to kiss them anyway.
"Because you were so excited about it," I whispered, remembering the look on Frank's face after Frank had found the test in the bathroom after I had forgotten to throw it away.
"But you were too," Frank replied softly, looking confused and hurt and it ached for me to see him like this.

"No," he says breathlessly. "No, I never was. I was just trying for you. I thought I could do it for you, because it made you happy, but I'm not meant to have a baby. I'm a man, I'm not supposed to be pregnant, to carry a baby. I just didn't want to lose another baby , you would be so upset!" Fresh tears fell from my eyes, and I scrunched up my face and wiped at them furiously. I was sick of crying and Frank crying.

"You should have told me!" Frank said, sounding almost angry now, but mostly hurt. "You really think I wouldn't have listened? That I wouldn't understand?" I finally opened my eyes again, and Frank seemed to have gotten closer, brown eyes big and beautiful.

"I'm so sorry! I..."
"Shhh, baby." I started looking away from Frank's eyes, and down at his chest instead. I just couldn't look at Frank right now, couldn't look him in the eye and say no, because that's exactly what I had thought. That Frank would put himself and the baby before Gerard. He had been so happy about it.

Frank seemed to understand, though, and for the first time in a week, he touched me, placing two fingers under my chin and lifting it up. "Gee, look at me," he whispers, voice soft and low, like a lover's caress. Maybe this is progress? Maybe we were filling the holes in our hearts when we had stopped talking. Just the use of my nickname made me feel like maybe the worst was over now.
"Frankie," I breathed in reply, and Frank cupped my cheek gently, almost as if we were going to kiss.

"I'm sorry if I gave that impression," Frank said, and I saw that there was fresh tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry if I seemed like I cared more about the baby than what you actually wanted. I don't. Gee, I care more about you than anything else in the world. I love you. I don't want you to ever doubt that again, okay?"

I could only nod as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. "Frankie," I whispered , Frank leaned in and pressed a short, sweet kiss to my lips before pulling him into me arms, just as I had wanted all along. I pressed my face into Frank's neck and I could smell him, his raspberry shampoo, the cigarettes he'd smoked and the tears he had cried.

"I love you, Frank, I love you so much. You're my whole world. I'm so sorry," I whispered, sealing my words with a kiss against Frank's skin, Frank hugged me even tighter in response, showing that he was never ever letting go again.

I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that, clung to each other, praying that this was really over now so that we could both move on. Gerard still feels a lump in his chest, still feels the guilt from not telling Frank and making him the bad guy. He hadn't trusted Frank and that almost tore them apart.

"Lets make another baby." I said. Frank started kissing my neck, showering it with tiny, light butterfly kisses all over his skin. I was happily distracted from what's going on inside his head. I eased my grip on the frank's shoulders and tilted my head, giving him more access to my neck and sighed as Frank's hands move down to push the hem of his shirt up, so warm against my skin. Before I knew it, Frank had pushed me onto my back and is moving down to slide his lips over my exposed belly, dipping his tongue into my bellybutton.

A light groan escapes my lips and he slides his right hand into Frank's soft hair. "Baby," I sighed again. "Frankie," he says, tugging gently on Frank's hair, and Frank finally looked up and met my eyes, his dry lips meeting my moist lips. Yeah, Frank tasted like crying, but I just ignored it, knowing that I probably did too.

"Mmm, Frankie," I moaned when the younger man kissed his neck again, hands roaming over his body, making me feel whole again. "Make love to me, baby.Frankie," I groaned, digging my chipped his nails into the back of Frank's shirt and arching my back as Frank pressed their hips together.
"I will, Gee. Always," Frank murmured back, lips hot against the shell of my ear, and he did.

We stripped off our clothes slowly, almost too slow for my liking, but with Frank's lips and hands touching me everywhere I needed it, it didn't matter. The final outcome as worth it all anyway, even as sweat cooled on our bodies and our breathing returns to normal.
I could still feel Frank's arms around me, and I hoped that the feeling of being full and whole didn't ever leave me as I stared up at the ceiling, pretending that it's scattered with tiny glowing dots.

"I thought you had left me," Frank said after a while, propping himself up on his elbow as his other hand rested on my chest. "Earlier, when you weren't here, and no matter how long I waited you still didn't show up. I thought, because you didn't want the baby, you didn't want me. . ." His voice was thin and tired, giving the impression of Frank being younger and smaller than he was.

His eyes looked sad, yet happy at the same time.

"Frankie," I said, my heart breaking a little, just hearing what Frank had thought. "I'd never- I will never leave you, I promise." I smiled, touching Frank's face to bring him in for a kiss. I really thought I could keep that promise, I hoped I could, I had never met anyone else who had been so accepting of me. I had never met someone who cares so much, even when I forgot that, and I had never met anyone that I loved as much as I did him.

"I love you, Frank." Frank grinned against my lips and pressed closer.

"I love you, too, Geebear," he said and pulled away, just looking at me as I gazed back at him and his pretty eyes. There still was a bit of sadness in them, and I couldn't figure out why. Frank seemed so happy now, he seemed okay.

I didn't figure it out until much later when I was almost falling asleep and Frank was already drifting off between my chest. It was when I felt Frank's body relax and his breathing evening out that I realizes why Frank is sad.

He missed the baby.

He missed the baby that I had stolen away from him without even telling him, the baby that Frank was going to give up his entire life for, including going to college and having a career. Now there was nothing, not even a trace left on my body.

A lonely tear fell down my cheek and for the first time since I had the abortion, I wished that I had told Frank about it. I almost wished that I had let Frank talk me into keeping it. For the first time I let myself feel just an ounce of regret, and that's how I fell asleep, crying softly and clutching Frank so close.Maybe this is progress, or maybe it's just the beginning of the end. It had to be progress, we were gonna have another baby again, we had to.

After 3 weeks, I wasn't pregnant, after 2 months I wasn't pregnant. What the hell was wrong with me? Had I lost the ability to have babies. I started to become thinner and thinner whilst Frank started to put on a few pounds.Something had to be up. Usually when I lose weight, he tries to but he was making no effort at all. Then a weird thought came in to my head.

"Are you pregnant Frank?" He started choking on his coffee.
"No, were did you get that?"
"It's just you've started to gain weight. Are you sure you're not pregnant?"
"You're basically calling me a fat pig! I'd rather be chubby then fat like you were as a kid."
I slapped him a cross his cheek.
"I told you never to mention about that. You know how unhappy that made me. Just leave me alone. i don't want to talk to you." I stormed out crying, he didn't even come after me so I ran to Jeremy's house, forgetting that he was dead.
"Jeremy, Jeremy? Where are you?"
I saw his cold body on the floor. I poked at it. Then I realised, he was dead. A blonde haired girl walked in.
"What are you doing with my husband's body?"
"I came to see him. You know he's dead right?"
"Yes, he died saving someone's life."
"I was that someone."

"What? I lost my wonderful husband and my daughter lost her father because of you?! When she asks me if she can see daddy, I can't show her. If I showed her she'd freak out!" Suddenly, we heard a loud gasp.
"Sammi?"
"Jeremy! How did you..."
"The spirits said my great sacrifice deserved a great reward. I guess my reward was living!" I left as they hugged eachother, regretting leaving Frank on his own. Life was too good to waste.

I came home to a sobbing Frank.
"I'm so sorry for getting mad at you!"
"You're sorry. I should be sorry, Gee. I called you fat!"
"Yeah but I called you fat first."
"Well I am fat. I need to lose weight and you need to gain some. I mean look at you, why are you doing this to yourself?
"Because I haven't made any babies yet."
"We could try and make one now."
We rushed up to the bedroom and made love.

A couple of weeks after, Frank started to be sick in the mornings. He had to be pregnant.
"Frank are you pregnant?"
"Ermm... yeah. I was gonna keep it a secret because I don't know how it happened." I jumped on him with happiness.
"I still feel a bit sick , Gee. Anyway, you need to be at work. You've got that new job, remember?" I had got a job at Cartoon network to work on the art work and ideas for programs .

After my hard day's work, I came home with good news.
"I'm making my own cartoon. It's called The Brunch Monkey."
"Just go away ,Gee. I'm tired. I don't care what you did, you're not gonna get anywhere with it, we both know that."I ran up to my room, why was he being so mean.I didn't know that meanness would carry on for weeks as would his morning sickness.

I got home early from work. I heard Frank going into the bathroom. I followed him to make him jump, not knowing I'd find him with his fingers down his throat. Why was he doing this? I burst into tears.
"Frank, why are you doing this?" He stopped. He started crying
"I wanted to be skinny like you."
"So there's no baby?"
"No but there was one. I had a miscarriage Gerard."

The words kept playing over and over in my head. Why did we have to keep suffering? I decided enough was enough and went to the fertility hospital, they had to be something wrong with me. Why had I stopped having children out of nowhere?
I was waiting for my test results.
"Would you like to sit down Gerard?" Oh no, here comes the bad news I thought to myself.
"It turns you you're very fertile. So fertile that you are currently carrying a baby... Do you want to know the baby's sex?"
"Yes please!"
"A baby boy. I recommend you eat a bit more Gerard. You need to be strong enough to give birth.

I ran home screaming happily round the house. Frank was away to sort out his bulimia but he would be back any minute. I started to make huge batches of skittle cookies, our combine favourite. My favourite being skittles and his being cookies. I set them all out over our huge dining table. I heard the door unlocking. Frank walked in.
"What's all this?"
"Just a surprise." When he started eating , I got ready to give him the news
"I'm pregnant with a baby boy Frank."
He spat out his cookie. "What?"
"I know, right? I went to go get a fertility test today as he gave me the news. We better get clothes shopping now."

We spent the next few months together all time. Frank stopped making himself throw up in the morning, we went for regular cheeck ups, I didn't need to go to see my therapist any more, everything was perfect. It was only 2 weeks away from my due date and I was looking forward to it.

It was the day of the baby, I could tell as the not so little mite was forcing it's way out. Lckily, our doctor had decided to pay us a visit so we could deliver our child properly. I was pushing and pushing as hard as I could but I began to feel faint. I needed something to hold onto. That something turned out to be Fran's arms. I started to dig my nails into his thick pale skin. He screamed as I screamed. I was kind of happy that it wasn't just me in pain. I was pretty sure I was in more though. I heard a loud scream. At first I though it was Frank but it turned out to be the baby crying.

I held my beautiful boy in arms.
"My god, he's so beautiful, just like daddy. Hello little one." I cooed. The baby seemed to quite down as I rocked it.
"Aww he's falling a sleep." After Frank said that, he started squawking again so we both laughed in unison. I whispered I love you to Frank, put the baby in his arms and went to go get sorted out. I could see Frank watching me sassy ass as I walked out.
"What are you doing ,Frankie?"
"Watching a certain body part of you."
"Don't watch what you can't touch."

I wanted to name our baby boy Frank. I knew he wanted the child our first child to be called that so I thought it would be nice for a change. He'd have done the same for me if I wanted to name the baby Gerard.
"Are you sure want him to be called Frank? Why don't we name him Chains Frank Antoni? Chains blood bhelped Jinxx bring you back to life after all."
"Yes! Anything for my Frankie!" I couldn't help crying, I thought back to when I had died.

I had seen a little ghost girl in purgatory with me ( I was so sure she deserved to be in heaven). She was in there because she had commited a crime. She had murdered her older brother. She told me she had only done it because her father said he'd murder her mother, her baby brother and the rest of the family. After she had done that her father plunged a knife into her chest killing her instantly. The knife had a special chemical on which stops your whole body instantly. She was saddly sent to hell, no matter as much I argued. Frank had just saved me before they had made their decision whether or not to put me in hell.

"What's the matter, Geebear?"
"I'm just so happy!" I lied. I didn't tell him because I couldn't get the words out. He just hugged me till my hearts content. He reached down towards my ass.
"No touchy, Frank." I said, knowing he would later on.

Chains Jr
It was my 3rd birthday, I was so excited to what they had bought me this time. A transformer , a murderdolls shirt? It was a batman action figure.
"Yay!" I yelped. "Thank you daddy and daddy slash Mommy." They always laughed at that. I didn't know if I should call Gee mommy or daddy. Gee is what daddy always called him, I didn't know why. I started crying out of frustration and my parents started cooing over me.
"What's the matter?" Daddy asked.
"I don't know what to call other Daddy. "
"Aww." They said that in unison and picked me up.
"You can just call us Frankie and GeeGee."
"Okay," I smiled, hugging my wonderful daddys'.
"Why don't you put your Batman with your Hellboy and blow out your birthday candles?" I did I was told, blowing hard because I was desperate for my dream to come true. My dream was to be married jut like GeeGee and Frankie. I wished the same until I was 7. After that I wished for video games and that Geebear would tell Frankie his secret.

When I was 9 years old , I had noticed GeeGee with blood on his lips. He just said he had been punched in the mouth. I noticed this happening at the andend of every other month. It then progressed to every month. I didn't ask after the first time but I just wondered why he was getting punched all the time. Then one day I decided to skip school. I snuck off to the forest to meet up with people I thought were gonna be my new (and only) friends.

I walked up to them to find them laughing. They were just laughing at something on their phones.
"Hey Chains, have you seen this? This kid tweeted about how he's got a Hellboy AND Batman action figures for his birthday. How lame."
"Oh, I hate them too. Well, you worship Satan so you should like Hellboy, right?" They laughed, giving me a high five. Then I heard GeeGee shout from the hills.
"Oi, what are you doing off school?" He walked up to us. "And where did you leave your Batman and Hellboy action figures?"
"Oh, erm..."
"I'm gonna go now but next time you do this I'll tell Frankie. Get back to school now." He started to walk off.

When GeeGee was out of earshot, they said to me"You lied to us, Chains. Do you know what happens when someone lies to us? One of us gets to murder them." Two of the left, leaving me with Kszenia. She was the pretty russian girl of our school who had a liking for blood. She approached with a knife. I started to run. GeeGee had luckily turned around to see if I went back to school and he approached her from behind, searing his sharp teeth into her neck. I watched, in shock and confusement, as he paralysed her body and then she finally closed her eyes.
"Don't tell anyone what I did to that evil girl."