It's what we hide with every lie...

I used to have a crutch; someone I could hold on to when I felt weak, and I knew she could hold my weight and keep my standing. But she's gone. She now knows how I feel and there's nothing I can do. I can pretend to be strong and try to hold both of us up. But I've tried that before, and I was the one that ended up falling.

I can't eat or sleep. Every time I try to eat, I can't swallow, and I have to choke the food back up. When I try to eat, I find myself writing or drawing a few hours later, and not remembering if I went to sleep or not. When I stand up, I feel faint, and I can't walk or talk. I stumble over the dumbest shit. I want to cry but I can't do it, no matter how good it would feel. I can't cry because I would be letting my little sister down. All I can think about is how many people I've let down. The only thing I can think of for the future to hold is me getting worse like I do every day, and ending up doing something horrible like killing myself. But I have no doubt in my mind that I'm going to get worse.I don't think there's a point to my existence anymore.

So here it goes:
Mom, I'm sorry that I don't talk to you, and I'm sorry that I'm a failure and a slacker. But that's how you raised me.
Dad, I'm sorry that I don't live up to Wes's grades, but I can't concentrate because of the darkness that's come over me. But why should you care, I'm just trying to get attention, right?
Sadie, I'm sorry that I can't always be strong for you, and I'm sorry that I don't talk to you.
Jonathan, I'm sorry that I was wrong, and I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your standards. But you're gone now and there's really nothing that can be done.
Danny, I'm sorry I can't convince Laurel to go to Adventureland with you.
Laurel, I'm sorry that I don't talk to you about all of this. But I just don't want to dump it all on you and have you end up like Lauren.
Kati, I'm sorry that I'll never be as fucking pretty as you. I guess you'll have to walk around with an unattractive sister.
Wes, I'm sorry that I'll never be as booksmart as you. But sometimes what's important is being streetsmart. That's where I have you beat.
Kalen and Brooke, I'm sorry I'm not excited about the baby. I'm sorry that I don't talk to you enough.
Hannah, I'm sorry that I bitched your mom out, but someone had to stand up for you, and you weren't going to do it yourself.
Kalie, I'm sorry that every time you try to talk to me, I can only talk about myself.
Kaylee, I'm sorry that I can only focus on my problems and not you own. I'm sorry that I'm never on MCRmy, and I don't talk to you enough. I'll try harder.
Lauren, I'm sorry you have a shit best friend like me, and I'm sorry that I put you through everything you've gone through. I should have never let this happen to you. I shouldn't have talked to you about all of this, because you wouldn't know what it felt like if I didn't. I'm sorry that I can't always be strong for both of us, and I can't always help you with everything. But my faked smile and choked laugh everyday are for you. I can't express how sorry I am that I can't always be as strong as I pretend to be. I'm sorry that you're the only one that knows that.
All of the MCRmy, I'm sorry that I just wasted your time. :\

I don't really care about anything anymore, and I don't know what to do...
-carly.<3