I'm so fucking tired all the time... Not physically tired, but emotionally drained. And everything just makes it worse. Hell, even being happy just makes it worse later. Maybe it's because I'm not truly happy, I'm just using something that made me almost happy to pretend that I really am. Ever since that whole texting incident with my friend, I'm afraid to tell him anything. Which leaves me feeling like I'm running out of places to turn. I don't want to die, necessarily. I just don't really want to live either. So I exist. Life seems pointless, but death is pointless too, so I'm still here. I just feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. People tell me I'm smart, but I had a B in chemistry for 3 quarters this past year. My mom got mad at me for that. I had a B in math for a couple of quarters. Two Bs. Two fucking Bs. There goes Valedictorian. Hell, Salutatorian too. Fucking HISTORIAN is gone for me. Being smart is ALL I had going for me. That's the truth. If you ask anyone at school what they know about me, it'll be "She's smart." Not "She's always been really nice to me" (even though I was always nice to EVERYONE unless they were mean to me), just "She's smart." But it's not even fucking true. Practically everyone I know is taking AP Chem next year, but I'm not because I can't handle the pressure. That's why I left boarding school, too. I couldn't take the fucking pressure. No fucking college will want me. I'm fucking useless. I'm not even sure my best friends like me. They like each other better than they like me, that's for sure. I don't trust my other friend anymore, because whether he really sent that text message or he's telling the truth and someone else sent it, it means I can't be sure anything I tell him will be safe. Every conversation I have, with ANYONE, is meaningless. It doesn't matter, because I never talk about what I'm actually feeling. I can't. Everyone keeps trying to get me to go swimming. Last summer no one wanted to go swimming with me. Now that I have scars on my arm that I can't show anyone, EVERYONE is constantly telling me I should go swimming. I've been sixteen since February and I still don't have a fucking license. I can't do fucking anything right. And everyone keeps coming to me with their problems. I don't mind helping a few people out. But sometimes it's fucking overwhelming, trying to deal with everything wrong with me, and then everyone I know wants advice from me. I'll be talking to a friend about my problems, half-suicidal, and he'll interrupt me to say he wants to kill himself because a girl doesn't like him. And he doesn't even mean it. I know, because he's told me so before. He just wants the attention on him. It sounds mean, but it's true. And I. Can't. Fucking. Deal. With. This. Not anymore. It's too much. I can't fix my own problems, why the FUCK do people think I can fix theirs? Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I just want it all to be over with.
~ExplosiveSunlight
