First of all, the happy stuff. Like a picture of MCR at Sloss Furnace. I really wish I could have gone to that, Sloss is such an awesome venue. Also, did you know that if you go to Google Images and search "best band ever" a whole bunch of MCR pics come up? Pretty dang awesome. Now for the unhappy part of my blog. If you don't like reading the depressing blogs, move on. So, I don't know why, but I'm really dreading school tomorrow. Maybe it's the fact that I have a ton of homework due tomorrow that I haven't started. Maybe it's the fact that I have a chemistry test first period tomorrow. But I don't think so. It might be that I know everyone in my English class is going to make fun of me the moment my back is turned. But I don't think it's that either. Just something about knowing I have to go through a full day of school tomorrow is making me depressed. And the one fucking person I feel like I can talk to when I'm depressed (aside from you guys) won't text me back. And I want him to talk to me, but then I get mad at myself and tell myself that if he's going to promise to always listen when I'm depressed and then break that promise within a few months, I shouldn't care about texting him. I shouldn't care that his girlfriend complains about him behind his back. I shouldn't care. But I do. So in the end I hate myself more than I hate him. I can't even hate his girlfriend, because as awful as she is, she makes him happy. And then I hate myself for caring if he's happy. It seems like no matter what I do, I wind up hating myself in the end. Sometimes I feel like that's the way it should be, like I deserve to hate myself. I don't know. I'm starting to feel physically sick every time I get depressed. But I have no parent notes left for school, so I can't miss tomorrow. I just want it to be summer already so I don't have to deal with it. Also, I hate myself for making a 32 on my ACT, because now all of my friends get mad anytime I'm nearby when people start talking about ACT scores. I doesn't matter if I bring it up or not, people get upset. I wish I could go back and retake it and completely bomb it on purpose, just so people won't act weird whenever it's brought up near me. People think it's so great to be smart and make good grades on tests and things like that. It's really not. Half of my friends for years only liked me because I could give them homework answers or explain things to them. Other than that, they didn't care about me. I just... I feel like I don't give a shit about life, until something bad happens. The good stuff doesn't make me happy, but the bad stuff makes me depressed. I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate everyone. I don't hate everyone, but then I do. I just want it all to stop.
~Explosive Sunlight
