All These Depressing Memories Are Coming Back

Lafari's picture

All These Depressing Memories Are Coming Back

I know before I made a blog about my father. Before I begin at explain what happened to me Friday and what had me so depressed I must first tell you a little about my father. He was(not sure if he still is) a druggie. He did cocaine, and it messed him up. It's like all he cared about was the drugs. It consumed every aspect of his life. Sometimes I think that if he had to choose between the drugs and his children, he'd choose the drugs. One day when I was in about the third grade ( about 8 yrs old) I saw my dad abuse my mom. He choked her in front of us and he began to lift her off the floor. That image still haunts me to this day and I blame myself for being too weak and afraid to not help my mom. I still cry myself to sleep almost every night because of this. Everything my dad has done resulted in my low self esteem and depression and my suicidal thoughts. He made me feel like I was worth nothing. He still scares me and he makes me uncomfortable. Now it's many years later( I'm 16 now) and I was working on forgiving him. He was in our lives again an it seemed that he has changed. Him an my mother are still technically married because he won't give her a divorce. But they have been separated for many years and they don't live together. Ever since I could remember they never lived together and just tried to keep a friendly relationship for us kids. But my mom has moved on and she has a boyfriend now. Well my mom brought her boyfriend home on Friday and my father happened to be here as well. So I knew he would be upset and try to pick a fight with him. I couldn't hear everything from my room but all I heard my father say was 'Do that again and I'll slap the shit out of you'. It took me a while to figure out that he was talking to my mom. The boyfriend, of course, stood up for her. I got frozen with fear again and felt the same way I did as when I was eight. I can't take this anymore. I was really upset and disappointed. I thought he had changed and was working on being a better person. I never had a normal relationship with him in years and I try to avoid him and not talk to him at all. But I thought that maybe he did care about his children. Basically this whole thing brought up all those suppressed memories. I cried myself to sleep that night and on Saturday I had to work but I tried on the train and I cried at work. I kept going to the bathroom because I felt ashamed. I'm so upset and depressed and I just need to get better. But this is my life. And maybe my father doesn't care about me and maybe he doesn't love me. I don't know why but this hurts so much. I don't know why I ever let a bastard like him have this much of an effect on me. But not feeling love from one of your parents must effect any child in a drastic way. I don't know guys I'm just feeling so depressed again