So my girlfriend who I shall call Deryn got kicked out by her father who we call Fitzroy. I'm Alek and her best friend is Newkirk.
Okay.
So Deryn stayed with me the night she got kicked out and was crying all night and so I ended up throwing up from being so worried about her... Having diabetes I was too sick to further try and comfort her or anything; and she was suicidal. I ended up trying to Sleep on the couch. The next day we were fine and she stayed the night with Newkirk. however, Newkirk's mother is insane and called the cops on them just for being there. So they went to stay at Newkirk's... Uh... Boyfriend's house. (This guy kind of looks like Alek BTW) While there Deryn posted a facebook status saying she was pretty fucked up at the moment (This was like 1 AM).
I wanted to see Newkirk and Deryn later that day (Well really just Deryn but I had to see Newkirk too) so I texted Newkirk's phone asking to see Deryn and she said they were busy (Busy ended up being a STAR WARS marathon.) and so I asked if I could see Deryn this weekend because I was supposed to anyway. Newkirk then flipped out on me saying Deryn was not an object and shouldn't be treated as such, and that she didn't know if she wanted to see me over the weekend. So I asked to talk to Deryn herself... Newkirk made me promise to respect her so I did.
Me and Deryn ended up getting in a fight about basically how she thought I should dump her because apparently I'm "Too controlling and vain." Lately I've been trying as hard as I can to save this relationship by telling her how much I love her, how pretty she is, being Way nicer than usual, etc etc...
But as far as I knew we didn't break up...
Newkirk came to school later and I had written Deryn a note about all the Ways I promised to be better to her. Not as Rebel Revolutionary or as Alek but as my real name, the real me who no one but her could ever know.
So later on I saw Newkirk and Deryn waiting at the bus stop and I gave Deryn the note and asked her what she thought of it... She said it "Wasn't like me at all" and that it "Was interesting." I was kinda like WTF but didn't say anything except asking her if we were still together and she said she didn't know and that she needed to sort some stuff out in her life... But then she was like "I didn't say I'd stop hanging out with you." And I was like "Why would I hang out with an ex who I'm still in love with? It would hurt too much."
Then I told her I loved her and that she didn't have to say anything back if she didn't want to... And she said nothing.
So I gave her a hug goodbye and left.
Later on that night I told her I missed her via texting Newkirk and she said she missed me too and that was just confusing.
And then when I went to bed I told her "Goodnight, I really really love you" and she was like "Oh. Okay. Goodnight. Sleep well." And I was like "FML."
Is it really that easy for her to stop loving me? I told her many times she was my life and the only reason I live and now that I've potentially lost her what do I have to live for anymore? I told her I had the will to do absolutely nothing but stay in that relationship... And I really was trying harder and would continue to do so if she would just give me another chance.
But no. Currently broken and emotionless and suicidal beyond repair. My cat broke a glass xmas ornament so I took a piece of it to cut with because I'd given Deryn all my cutting materials...
What the hell do I do. This pain won't leave me. I love her so much; she almost took my virginity too and I'm glad she didn't because I would probably end up killing myself.
But every little thing in the world reminds me of her.
And I start crying.
Today's horrible.
Yesterday I almost puked at school just from the fight we were having because I was so depressed, and the office called my mom (DR BARLOW) and she never picked up...
FML.
