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Awake and Unafraid

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KittyCatKilljoy's picture
on August 13, 2014 - 9:26pm

Killjoys-Never-Die just reminded me of something horrible: school. It starts way too soon and I'm terrified of school. I'm not terrified of the schoolwork, and the stress, and all that jazz, but what really scares me are the awful kids. They won't leave me alone! Always being so rude and such bullies! But you know what, this year, I am going to try to be strong, and not hide from all of it and let the bullies win. Because that only makes them stronger and me weaker. I'll always be different, I can't change that and as much as being myself stabs me in the back, i don't wanna change. I gotta except the fact that i will never be cool, and thats a good thing, just like Gee had said, because i never want to be cool. I'm never going to fit in and I'm never going to be popular and normal. And it took me so long to realize this, but i am not going to become that, and i don't want to. And if i ever do fit in, and if i ever do become popular and cool, then i don't want to be that person, because thats not who i am. This world is so judgmental. Everyone gets labeled. I'm just getting the worst of it at my school. But i'm going to try to stop taking things so personally. If they don't like me, and they don't like my style and my taste in music, writing, and drawing, then i don't want them in my life. If they aren't willing to except the fact that i am who i am then they can go find someone who fits their expectations. I'm so sick and tired of being weak. This year, I want to be strong like all of my idols, and not let ignorant people tell me who and what i should be and hating on me for being me. All my life I've been afraid of living, afraid of people judging me, and afraid of disappointment. I've punished myself for the actions of others because I've always felt that i wasn't good enough and that i had no reason to keep living. I want to work past my scars, both on the inside and on the outside. I wanna look down at the scars on my body and instead of thinking, "I failed. And i ran away" I want to think, "I survived. and i am still here." I want battle wounds, not lines of pain and sadness. I am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to walk this world alone. Everyday, i cover the scars on my legs and wrist with what motivates and keeps me alive and going. Everyday i can look down at my wrist to see "Awake and Unafraid" and thats what i want to be. If i can't be strong and unafraid, i might as well be dead. I'm not giving up yet. And if you're going through hard stuff as well, i want you to know, that i truly do believe in you, i know you are a very strong,and unique individual, and never,ever let what others say slit your throat, because you don't deserve that. Be who you are, you're a beautiful person. I know how hard it is, and don't feel ashamed of yourself ever. Life has it's ups and downs, Sometimes we plummet down very far, and it seems impossible to get back out, but if we stick to it, and believe in ourselves, even just the tiniest percent, we can get out of this pit of sadness and pain. I use Gerard's quote everyday, and repeat it over and over again, "Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person"
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive"-Gerard Way. I live by both of those quotes. Gerard went through some really hard stuff, it took work, but he got himself out of it, and thats why he's my idol and he's so inspiring to me. He doesn't take anyones shit, so why should we!? Let's be awake and unafraid together! I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone.