If you hate reading the same old upsetting blog well skip over this. If you're curious and would like to give me some advice feel free. I just need to post this to get it off my chest.
Dear Christine,
This will be my last letter. I will be writing no more, and after you read this you can push me back to the depths of your mind and forget me. But for now bare with the last words a stranger wants to say to you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I may have scared you with my last two attempts to contact you. On my part, it was definitely not the wisest of choices and may have been a bit over dramatic for me to do. But when I last saw you, you asked why I didn't just send you the letter. My first two attempts seemed futile. The phone number, which I thought was yours, and contacting your husband. Could you honestly say you would have replied if I had just sent the letter in the mail? But I apologize, I had stepped across a line I shouldn't have. And now I know you are in a state of grieving, losing someone you love is a very difficult thing, we all have experienced it. So again, I apologize for attempting contact you at such a inopportune time. But I didn't know until you told me.
I realize that me showing up after fifteen years of not seeing each other, not even knowing who the other one is…Is certainly emotional. In your case I represent the man who helped bring us into this world. I'm a stranger, I could be dangerous, there's little that you know about me. But I guess that's the reason why I wanted to seek you out. As a child I can remember the first time Tom said I had a sister. Being an only child that was the only thing I ever wanted, because I was alone. And growing up in what turned into such a hostile environment, the only thing I ever wished for was someone who knew my pain.
So I've no reason to lie to you. I'm only going to be honest. I've lived with my best friend for two years now. Prior to that I lived with my mothers sister for three years, and prior to that I jumped from foster home to foster home for two years. My most recent contact with our father was about four months ago. Regardless of my discontent with him and my mother I check up to see how he's doing. It's strictly a nonchalant hello, tea and coffee type deal. It's awkward to be honest. After all that he's done and all…He's lost two daughters. As for our aunts I haven't had contact with them for over a year. And I stress, and cannot stress this enough, the only person who knows I am trying to contact you is Sen, no one else.
I realize he's not your father. But at the end of the day we're connected by his blood. That and the fact we both grew up without him is the only thing we have in common, though the more I think about it…You grew up with a Dad. Whoever he is, I really couldn't care. You had a place to call your own, eventually. But the majority of my life I've tried finding that place I can call home. And jumping from home to home, being shunned by my own blood just because I'm his child…I found out that I have no place where I can belong. It was presumptuous of me to think I could find any common ground with you…Establish a relationship with you. Because at a time where I am discovering myself, who I am without the support of a family, a mother or a father, I thought that at this time it would be my best opportunity to get to know you.
I get it. You and I will always be estranged. And I understand it's all because of him. But it's not my fault that I'm tainted with his gene pool. It's not my fault that I bear the name Atherton and that every time I hear the name I cringe. Because unlike you who had the chance to escape I had no luxury. I was stuck in that cage until the state took over. And even then I'm still plagued. Because even with all the contempt I hold for him and my mother I can never forget when they were nice normal people for the few years that they were actually good parents; when I had a family: Christmas morning when we'd open gifts, our first dog. How my mom would look so pretty in her holiday dresses and how Tom would dress up as Elvis. That's what makes it so painful, because I know you have, even just one, happy memory with Tom. And you can't put aside your hate and fear of him to get to know me.
But it's done right? We'll just be as we are now. My turns over and I'm done reaching out to you. It's your turn, and I know for the better of your happiness that you won't. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day we all just want to be happy. And if you don't reach out to me I know that I can't find happiness with you.
Thanks for reading,
-Kait Mercedes
