Yeah I’m on the computer typing at eight o clock in the morning when my roomie a few yards away got back late last night from the rangers game. I’m such a nice roomie. I’m just glad she insists that I’m quiet and she never hears me. So yeah…I don’t even know how I got to this point. I just know that I’m here and I don’t like it. Stress and anxiety have gone through the roof causing me to relapse completely, and I’ve noticed that all the stress and anxiety is starting to bring on something like depression. I say like because I know depression more than I’d like to and this isn’t completely like that. It’s the small stuff, though – becoming more withdrawn, lowered self esteem (which is not helped by my mom’s words when she found out I’d been depressed and failed all my classes this past summer…even if she apologized afterwards and even if she’s been encouraging me to get therapy for the past month and a half…maybe two months. After yelling at me for even wanting therapy in the first place and saying that therapists only want to drug you up instead of fix you so getting therapy would only waste even more money thank you, you selfish little bitch, for wanting to waste more of our money….yeah I’m still processing her going from that to ‘hey you should get therapy’.)
ANYWAYS like I was saying….I don’t even know how I got to this point. I never wanted to be here. I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t something that can just be cured but something that, as someone who is genetically predisposed to it thanks to my dad, something I will have to fight off and on throughout my life. I’m starting to wonder if I really should get therapy…but I don’t know if I’ll be able to get the free kind my college offers. I think my college would accept me for therapy but make me pay because my issues probably aren’t the kind they can handle in eight free, once weekly sessions. If its not free, I don’t know how I would pay for it. I don’t even have my insurance card, my parents have it because I’m on their plan and, in reality, if I’m sick enough to actually admit I need to see a doctor I’m probably too sick to drive so that’s the reasoning I have to just let them keep it…until now of course. When I might need it to get not so free therapy….under the assumption that I’m not eligible for the free, eight-session therapy thing they offer. Idk. That and, what if they decide I need to be sent to a mental hospital? Damn I’m half scared to consider therapy. Maybe I should just do what I’ve done this semester so far and just do my best to keep a positive attitude, forcing myself out of my shell and doing things that I know help like getting up and keeping my room clean and me myself presentable and pretty and staying on top of my studies (which I am not currently, hence the stress) and talking to my roommate who has been really nice so far and I’m kind of hoping can be a person of support.
Ugh its too early for such deep thoughts! Why can’t I just go back to bed and sleep some more? Till ten at least? SIGH but anyways gonna go to an exam I do not feel prepared for in like fifteen minutes. Joy. Did I mention its overcast and rainy today and that such days unmotivated me and make me feel worse? Yeah. And that I have to cram for an exam Tuesday and catch up in my other classes while trying not to beat myself up for being unable to redo all of the homework assignments for accounting that were due last night because I had a horrible sinus headache that would not go away despite all the medicine I took to try to help it? Yeah…I’m going to shut up now and stop being pessimistic. I will take an exam today, and I have done my best given the circumstances to prepare for it. I will do my best on that exam, and if I don’t do well then the professor does drop the lowest exam grade so everything will be fine. It’ll be okay. I think after my exam I’m going to seek out my friends. They’re usually busy all week with class and work, but usually I (who am not much of a texting person, mind you) normally try to text them some and chat a bit. I haven’t done that all week and they haven’t texted me all week either…granted I usually don’t text them more than like once a day cause like I said I’m not a texter. I sorta got mad at them for not even considering that having not heard from me all week *might* mean something’s wrong but oh well. At the very least I think I’ll talk to my roommate later. Maybe she’ll have some advice for me. Anyways I gotta take some allergy medicine and get packing for my exam. Gotta find my boots and umbrella, too. Hope you all have a good Saturday!
Keep running!
~ Kari
