Okay so you know those times when your laying in bed and your mind just won't shut up no matter how tired you are? Not the good kind of it wont shut up, either. The i am alone with just my thoughts to keep me company and my thoughts are currently my worst enemy kind of it wont shut up. So yeah that was me like five or ten minutes ago, i was laying in bed tempted to do stupid shit we aren't allowed to blog about anymore and somehow i did a complete 180 on myself. I blame Bret von Dehl and The Relapse Symphony - their song Make Your Move has been on repeat since i found it lol. Anyways, one talk myself back to rationality and one inspiring self lecture later, i got all nostalgic on myself. Which is where the point of this blog being written at one fucking am comes into play!
I guess if you compare me now to me where my perfectionist self wants me to be, i'm nowhere near where i should be. But if you compare me now to me, say, four or five months ago its a totally different story. At that point i was where some of you might be now. I was depressed, i had no friends, and self harm had become a daily neccessity. If i stayed in bed in my dorm room all day no one noticed. If i walked out of my room, down the hall, and out to the lobby to head to class for the first time all week not a single soul greeted me much less gave notice. I was failing all my classes and i had no job to help my parents pay for my own degree, which only added to things. I didn't realize it at the time, but i'm fairly certain that i probably have an anxiety disorder of some sort as well that, assuming i'm right, was also in play at the time. I never reached out to anyone, and it got so bad that at one point i decided that the only way to fix everything would be to take my own life. Obviously i didn't do that. I didn't even end up attempting, you guys successfully talked me out of it. Since then, I've opened up to my best friend in the entire world who has been an awesome support. She's helped me to realize that not only i had a problem, but that it needed fixing, and she risked our whole friendship to help me do that. Now i'm, suffice it to say, very happy that i did not take my own life. I've been able to experience things that, before, i thought would never in a million years happen to me. I never thoguht that the girl who walked through the lobby unnoticed would ever have people greeting her every time she left her dorm room, or that i would have friends that i could text and hang out with and study with and laugh with. Things haven't been easy, and i've had my ups and downs, and ive messed up a few times, but its been worth it. Things still aren't easy, but they're better and i'm learning how to deal with things better. if you read nothing besides this...IT DOES GET BETTER. People just don't say that to make you feel better, and its not a fairy tail that will happen for everyone but you. Its okay to be messed up and to have problems, we all do. But things WILL get better and they won't always be bad. One thing i've learned, though, is that you can't sit around waiting for it to get better. You have to admit you have a problem and to also be willing to fight it. You also have to forgive yourself if you mess up. Something that's helped me so much this past week is having a positive attitude - that's what my new favorite band, The Relapse Symphony, has taught me. They taught me that not only is it essential to want to fight, which i already knew, but that a positive attitude is equally essential. As cliche and stupid as i'm sure it sounds, each new day is a clean slate and you can write whatever you want on it. As much as your mind will tell you otherwise, yesterday's mistakes are dead and gone. Today is a new opportunity, not just another day of the same old shit. Not every day is good, but there is something good in every day. For some reason i think andy biersack said that, but i think someone else actually did...anyways. IT DOES GET BETTER.
Why am i saying all this at one fucking am? Because things DO get better, and i wanted a chance to say that to everyone in the MCRmy who might be going through what i once was and could be suffering alone. Anyways, i'm starting to ramble on. My point has long been made, i think. Oh and i'm on facebook with a secondary account, if anyone wants to friend me on there and chat or if someone just wants someone to talk to. Now...i think i've wrote a novel. Time to *not* write an epilogue as the conclusion! My roommate's only trying to sleep on the other side of the room, and i'm badgering her with incessant typing.
Keep running!
~ Kari
