Who cares.

JQ's picture

Who cares.

You know, ever since I was little, I have been the only one looking out for me. No one else gave a shit and no one else gives a shit now. I'm the only one. I fucking care too much. Every time I see a person on twitter who is just loosing it and flipping out, I ALWAYS tell them I'm here for them and I care. Whenever someone on Facebook is upset, I ALWAYS tell them I'm here for them and I care. I don't tell them this so I'll get it back, I do it because I know what it feels like to be so lonely and depressed that you only have technology to reach out to. It's just that no one cares about me. I'm always the shoulder everyone cries on and that's okay. I'm happy to listen. But I just want someone to care about me. I'm always second best. I'm never enough for someone to care.

For example, I have had this teacher for like 3 fucking years. I'm a senior this year so this will be the fourth year I have had him. He is actually pretty young. He is like 27. Anyhow, he's really chill so it's cool that I have him. But I went away from him for a little bit, over summer vacation. I grew as a person and then came back. He just seems different now. He is acting the same, and I'm looking at him the same, but he seems different. Like, this girl came in, named Jordan, and she sits in his chair and messes with him all through class and he doesn't say a thing, but When I mess with him and sit in his chair just a LITTLE bit he like says no. Like, I'm not learning in that class, I'm a teaching assistant. I do nothing. He just treats me different. Jordan is much preppier than me and prettier, and I'm just not good enough. I can't blame him. It's not his fault if I disgust him. I'm just always second best.

Another instance, I was in middle school, having a really shit time. I was crying like all the time, even during school. I was being bullied so bad, and Everytime I would say something to the bullies I would get in trouble, so I would tell on them, which made me more alienated cuz kids don't like tattle tales. and even when I did tell, they did nothing. All I could do was sit there and take it, and I was crying and I was upset, and anxious and depressed all the fucking time. And no one helped me. No one did anything.I didn't hide it either. I couldn't. It's not like I was in a position to ask for help either. I was really sick, and I was SO withdrawn and I couldn't ask for help because it would be mental help and I couldn't get diagnosed with anything cuz my sister was like in trouble a lot, and in and out of psych hospitals and it would have been too much for my parents to handle. So I waited. By mid 8th grade I had my first suicidal thought. I realized that I was looking out for me, and that no one cared. No one gave a shit. No one. I gave myself one day. One day in high school, and if it was shit like middle school, I was going to do the ultimate deed. And in fact it was shit. I was VERY defensive after being bullied for so long and I was in that teachers class. the 27 year old one, and people were being mean, and I was sent out in the hall for defending myself. ( I said something inappropriate back to a bully cuz as I said, I was VERY defensive at that point). He cam out into the hall and talked to me, and I told him I was bullied so bad in middle school, and those kids are the one who did it, and he apologized ( since he prompted the bullying) and he really listened. It was the first time some one really listened to me. He was chill in my eyes from then on. and because of that, I decided no to do the ultimate deed. But now he is gone, and I'm all alone again, and there is no on who cares, who I can talk to.

I asked my parents if I could see a therapist or something, and my dad said that I was just unhappy cuz I was isolated. He told me to buy new clothes and that, that would get others attention and that I would have more friends and wouldn't be so depressed. I don't think he understood, and it didn't help.
I can't do this anymore. I just want some one to care without me having to ask some one to care you know? I'm really depressed and today was just the icing on the fucking cake. I really can't do this anymore. I have no one to talk to and I'm just going in circles, and I just... Why am I not good enough?