I have decided to tell the truth. The whole story. My story. I have tried to keep it in for so long, and it is killing me. So, here it is.
I have a sister. She is four years older than me. We used to be so close growing up. I would sleep in her room at night, and we would play together every day. There was a darker side to her though. She would always hit me. She was so very violent. (more violent that the average little kid), but i loved her so very much. She was my idol. I copied her on everything! every since I was three years old. She said her favorite color was pink, so was mine. She picked something up and out it down, I picked something up and put it down. I felt that she was the most awesomest person ever. Even though she beat the shit out of me. I still had so much respect for her. This is how fucked up my first social relationship was. But when she was 13, I started to notice little things.Every morning she would try on like 15 different outfits. (A holister shirt and some Jeans). She would ask me does this look good? how about his one? How was i supposed to know, i was 9. What did she want from me? There was nothing wrong with what she was wearing. It looked fine, but no matter how many times I said that, it didn't matter. She still felt like crap about herself. It sucked to watch her go through that. But I had my own problems. I was so medicated for my ADHD. I was so depressed and numb and I was only 9. I had been that way since i was 7 when i was first diagnosed. Well, she started lying more. Lying about stuff she didn't have to lie about, lying about my money, my stuff. She was stealing from me. I wasn't dumb. I'm not dumb. She was cutting. She tried to lie to me about that. I wasn't dumb. I'm not dumb. But I didn't even know what cutting was. That was not something I was exposed to at the early age of nine. She was getting in trouble at school more often to. She would do anything to get friends. Literally anything. a kid asks her to wright penis on her arm and she does it. That's why she was getting in trouble. She was their own personal doll. She wanted to be with the "in" crowd so bad. I don't remember why my sister was sent to the hospital for the first time. Maybe she threatened to kill herself, or maybe my parents saw the cuts, or maybe she just argued with my parents for the last time. She had been so irritable lately. But I remember it was terrible. I visited her once. Group therapy. all the kids families were there, and all the kids had fucking cuts on their arms, and were all strung out. It was really hard to see and understand. I mean, I was only maybe 10. Well, She got sent home after a while. Diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and odd. Sent home with meds. A few moths later, I was in the fourth grade, sitting in the game room playing with my magnetix, not hurting anybody. I was listening to my sister freak out and argue with my mom in the kitchen. When my sister gets upset she gets so very upset. She becomes so irrational. I peaked my head in when I heard my sister say "I'm just going to kill myself then!" She opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed a vile of pills and a glass of water. My dad ran in the room and knocked her down to the ground and held her down so she couldn't hurt herself. They took her back to the hospital and a few trips to different hospitals and residentials, and federal hospitals. I had to start making decisions. I was like 11 in 6th grade getting bullied SO bad all the time. then, on the weekends I would have to travel 2 hours to go visit my sister at some strange hospital, have her freak out,and cry. Ad then we leave her and go home. I was so depressed. In 7th grade-8th grade suicide was seriously an option for me. And I can't imagine how hard it was for my sister to grow up not being mentally stable but she is just fine today. The truth is she wanted to go home so she could get drugs. Because that's all there is to do in my small town. My sister has attacked my mom (literally), lied to my dad, and ruined my childhood.
I'll bring you back to today. I'm depressed. And I can't tell anybody. my sister hurt my family so badly. We are not the same family we used to be before she went off the deep end. We are broken. There is hole where our heart used to be and it can never be replaced. I am about to be a senior in High school and we will always be this way. It doesn't get better with time. I don't want to be my sister, but just feel sad and anxious all the time. I need to tell somebody so I can get some help. but I'm so anxious that I will hurt my family more. They need one good kid. The need this reassurance. IDK what to do .If you are reading this, please help me.
