Okay, the Funeral ended, where is the party?

JQ's picture

Okay, the Funeral ended, where is the party?

Everyone is dying.
I have so much to tell you.
Okay so on Sunday October 14 my friend Jacob drowned in a lake and died. and he wasn't even really my friend. I had a class with him last year. I talked to him... I... We talked about the book "Heaven is For Real". He was reading it at the time. We were debating the concept of God. It sucks to loose anybody. But you don't understand. This kid was a star football player with a bright future. He was gonna be something you know? It sucks that he is gone. But on Monday Everyone was so distraught. And I have this issue with expressing my emotions. I can only do it in front of certain people. Seeing everyone on Monday all fucking crying. It Killed me. It KILLED me. I can't even describe the agony I was in. I was dying. It was the kind of agony no one could see. It was hard for me to breathe. Like I could breathe but my chest felt heavy. And ofcourse I couldn't show that because I had to be strong for everyone else. And like... IDK maybe I'm just crazy... anyhow. On October 16 my friend Jonah committed suicide. It had nothing to do with Jacob. and Jonah wasn't even my friend, like I just knew him, and he knew everybody else. And one of my fucking hero's who just so happens to be a teacher at my school, knew him. He was in the pep squad thing with my cool teacher. So my hero is going through a tough time, and my other friend Jonathan decided it was a good idea to start cutting. and I had to take him to the school psychologist and I am having to watch him deteriorate just like I had to watch my sister deteriorate. And I don't know how to help him more and my other friend is just fucking losing it because of lack of sleep and stress. and everything is falling and breaking and everything is just getting destroyed and how did it get this bad?

I have my hero to talk to, but I know that he is in pain too. I don't want to add extra stress on him too.

Anyways, the Funerals were yesterday... I didn't go. I couldn't. I don't need closure. Everything is just weighing down on me. This is just too much.

And I am SO mad at Jonah for killing himself. I know that this is gonna make me sound terrible. but I am so mad because he beat me to the fucking punch. I wanted to kill MYSELF! And now I can't. I can't because I saw how his death affected the community and his parents so badly. And like I am mad because he took that away from me. He took that away. Every time I think about suicide I feel anxious and guilty, and I'm mad at him for making me feel that way. I am so mad.

I have already decided. Next year I am going to go to therapy. Maybe somebody will be able to help me.
Oh and also on Jonathan's cutting; He openly told me and a few other kids about it. I am the only one that got a psychologist involved. Now he is cutting on parts of his body where everyone can see... My teacher/hero said this kid was just looking for attention. I have to agree. I mean, he is getting help, so why does he want to show the cuts more?... I have never told anyone this, but when I cut, I did it to just make my mind stop, because I couldn't take it anymore. And the LAST thing I wanted was for someone to see the cuts. I hid them so fucking well, and I only cut in like emergencies, when I have been sitting with my mind for several hours and I can't stop my brain from spinning out of control. That is when I cut. And fucking Jonathan. Doing this shit for shock. He doesn't really want help, because he got help and now he is cutting where more people can see. He makes me so mad.

and the world is just a little too heavy right now... The funeral has ended.. I want to party.

-JQ