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I just need to tell someone. I want to die. Hear me out first. I want to die because i am the cause of all my problems. I am lazy, unmotivated, and i'm a giant disappointment to my parents, family, and friends. Like, my friends are all in advanced classes, super smart, and getting special once-in-a-lifetime offers, while i just sit back and try to pass my classes with a C. Now, i know i am capable of such things, it's just that i'd rather sit back and do nothing, then feel like shit when great things happen for my friends. Also, i'm rebellious. My sister had become a People to People Ambassador and went to Canaa and did all these cool things. I secretly wanted to go, but my mom would always say things like, "You're not cut out for this." and stuff like that. and its true. i mean, i can be responsible and studious if i want to, but i don't want to because i'm too fucking stupid to realize that if i stay the way i am i'm going to be fucked in life. I'm too fucking lazy to actually make something of myself, and no matter how much i want to change, i dont. And then there's the bullying. This is all my fucking fault because i just HAD to be the person i am. God, i'm such a fucking idiot. I go around being all weird and liking rock and wearing fucking tutus and shit, then cry or cut or complain when people are bullying me, when really, it's my fucking fault! if i wasn't such a fucking freak, i wouldn't be called, "emo" or "white" or "freak" or some shit, and i'm really getting fucking sick and tired of my personality and how i fucking act. But guess what? i don't do shit to change a thing. and i complain about how fucking mean people are, or how fucking stupid i am cuz i'm failing my classes when really, the reason is because i'm a fucking freak, and i'm just a lazy ass bum who is gonna end up working at McDonald's and living with my parents, trying to be a "rockstar." Well, i've finally given up on me, just like everyone else. and i cry when they give up on me, but i have no right to because i'm not doing shit worth believing in me for! I'm not good at anything, writing, drawing, singing, or anything, and no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i believe that i might actually be worth something, i just fail in the end. i've been to a psych-hospital three times now, and i promised i wouldn't go back, but i don't know if i can keep that promise. all i do for my family is cause huge medical bills and stress. the only reason they "love" me is because "God tells them they have to." well, i'm just done with everything. I'm going to fix the problem by getting rid of it. By getting rid of me.
