It's a bit from one of my stories I'm working on - not the zombie one I posted some of in an older post, this is a different one. This is my feeble attempt at romance.
***
Even as I tried to ignore it, I knew I was doing it again. Searching for Ade. I supposed that in this situation, at a party full of a load of people I didn't know, it was justifiable, but I really needed to get a hold on this curiosity thing. I'd read that it was perfectly normal to have a crush on people the same sex as you during puberty, but this didn't feel right. It wasn't just hormones mixed in with knowing that Ade was a good-looking guy – it was . . . I wasn't sure, but it wasn't that, and whatever it was was really unnerving me.
In hindsight, maybe a Hallowe'en party wasn't the best place to contemplate my emotions. I was feeling a little drunk, and the orange lights and loud music were confusing me so that the costumes people were wearing were looking more and more realistic. Was that really Frankenstein getting off with Pocahontas in the corner? On closer inspection I could tell it was just Lily with some guy I'd never met before, but only because I knew Lily thought sticking feathers in your hair and wearing brown leather underwear constituted a good Native American outfit. Why couldn't Del have turned up? At least I'd be able to talk to her and distract myself if she was there, but she was still ill.
Sweating inside the pink hoodie I was using for my Patrick Star outfit, I edged around the throng of drunk, dancing people and headed for the stairs. As there wasn't any music playing upstairs and most of the guests at the party considered simply being inside a house as good enough privacy for getting physical, aside from a few couples snogging on the stairs there was nobody on the first floor that I could see.
I wriggled out of my hoodie and felt a faint, cold breeze from somewhere nearby that felt good. I followed it, running a hand through my hair to stop it sticking to my head. It was coming from the room at the back of the house – someone was in there, but I wasn't really bothered as long as I could cool down.
'Looking good there, Greg. I see we're wearing matching outfits.'
Oh shit. Ade. I groaned inwardly. Why did he have to be here? Yeah, I'd been searching him out just a few minutes ago, but now I could actually see him, how was I supposed to cool down? I never would if he kept looking at me like that – or if I could see his face at all, really. I felt like a rabbit in headlights. I bit my lip and forced myself to look away.
'Erm, yeah,' I cleared my throat, 'What're you supposed to be?'
'Surfer. Couldn't be arsed actually dressing up – although by the looks of downstairs, most people just took their clothes off – so I just threw this on before I came. S'a pretty shit party though, so I don't think anyone's bothered.' he shrugged, finally looking away and gazing out of the window. It was night time, but since we were in the city the sky was still glowing a sort of purplish colour, with street lights and cars and planes replacing the stars with orange, red and green pinpricks. I let my eyes unfocus, and the colours blended together in a weird, glowing rainbow.
'You alright?' Ade was looking at me again, vaguely concerned. Couldn't he look at the space over my shoulder, not right at me? It was making me feel weird in ways I didn't like to think I understood. Why couldn't I be a giggly drunk or a depressed one, as opposed to a horny one?
'Hmm? Oh . . . yeah. Just feeling a little weird. You can't move for people getting off down there, it's freaked me out a bit.'
Ade grinned at me.
'Why aren't you down there, in the thick of it? Lily'd get on you in a second, and so'd a load of the others.' he pointed out, sitting down against the wall and stretching his long legs out. He jerked his head at the space beside him, and I braced myself and made my way towards it. Ignoring him would seem weird, but so would having to sit there with my legs crossed. Why did I even think that? Maybe I should consider cutting back on the drink. I wondered again what was wrong with Del. Couldn't she just turn up for this? She was exuberant enough that when she was around I could just focus on what she was doing, which never made me feel like someone was tickling my intestines. I suddenly realised how aware of my body I was. I was acutely aware of every movement I made, like having one of those electric shock collars set off every time I shuffled about.
I was quite aware of Ade, too. Legs that could dwarf mine effortlessly, well-kept nails that shamed my bitten, ragged ones, and all the rest of him. I'd been in the changing rooms at school with him and I knew what was under that top -
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! THINK OF FURNITURE OR SOMETHING! Computers or the colour beige or something, just STOP LOOKING AT HIM BEFORE YOU MAKE A COMPLETE DICK OF YOURSELF!
I inhaled a deep breath and leant my head back so I could glare up at the ceiling. I sincerely hoped he couldn't hear the internal struggle going on in my head. I'd been doing so well at controlling myself, and then that one unbidden thought had opened a flood canal. My toes were curling with the effort it was taking to not do anything.
'Are you really sure you're alright?' Ade asked. Why the fuck did he need to put his face so close? Or look me in the eyes like that? It'd be simpler to just electrocute me or slap me or something.
'I don't know. Yes. No. Not sure -' I spluttered, wishing I could vacuum my head clean for long enough to compose a coherent sentence.
And then, the stupid idiot had to go and put his hand on my forehead. I nearly bit my tongue off as I tried to stop myself from letting out a small whimper, and managed to turn it into a sort of hissing noise.
'Hands-' I grumbled under my breath.
'What?' he narrowed his eyes at me. I shook my head. No, why was he moving to sit in front of me? Couldn't he just send me insane from the corner of my eye? Stupid idiot, practising his medical skills. He had to know what he was doing, it just wasn't fair.
'Did you have too much to drink?' he asked, leaning forwards and gently tilting my head up to, I assumed, check my pupils. I hugged my knees tight to my chest and tried as hard as I could to pretend it was just my grandma with her fingertips on my chin, with her expensive perfume wafting up my nostrils. God, was that his breath I was smelling? Could a person smell like that? I didn't even know what it was he smelled like, but whatever it was, it was suddenly my favourite smell.
'I – I – I – don't know. Is it hot in here? It's making me feel ill, maybe I should go home or something,' I stammered. But I couldn't move my legs, not if I was trying to hide what I was thinking. I wasn't sure my knees would support me if I managed to reach the standing point anyway.
He placed a hand on my cheek to check my temperature again, his face edging just that tiny bit closer. Why did he have to be so bleeding fit?
I took another deep breath and forced myself to keep still. In my mind's eye, as clear as if it was happening, I could see myself closing the few inches distance, tilting my head slightly to the side and – and – and -
'Did you just kiss me?' Ade rocked back on his haunches, his eyes so wide they could have fallen out.
What
The
Fuck?
'Oh shit.' was all I could think of to say. There was no choice left but to find a gun and put a bullet through my head, or throw myself out of the window. My mind had already resigned and shut down, rendering me incapable of all thought.
I was just beginning to try and clamber to my feet so I could get to the window, when I realised there wasn't enough space for me to move. Had – yes, Ade had leaned forward again. Was he going to headbutt me or something? Smash my face in? The few times I'd heard people talking about being approached by people of the same sex, it hadn't ended well, usually with the one making a pass staggering home with a black eye and several teeth missing. But Ade wouldn't do that, would he? Of course I would never be able to look at him again, and I'd probably have to move schools to deal with the embarrassment, but he wouldn't hit me for it.
He was closer again – his nose was nearly touching mine. What was the point of this? I couldn't read his expression.
Then he darted in and kissed me back.
Oh.
