Ugh.

Izzeerascal's picture

Ugh.

Nobody wants to talk to me about it but I want to talk somewhere so I'm doing it here.

I hate myself and nobody seems to get it - well, Matt doesn't, and I've only mentioned this to him, cause I don't trust other people that way.
It started out that I was perfectly happy with myself, and occasionally I'd feel a bit down, like most people do. But then the past few years, particularly this year, when I've gotten down it's gotten worse - like, I don't just feel less happy, I feel like screaming constantly and hurting things and hollow and just stuff - and it's gotten more frequent. It used to be maybe once in a year, and then twice, and then every few months, and then recently it's been every two weeks or so.
It can be one little thing that triggers me, usually some reference to my inability to make friends, or my inability to understand or learn anything. Today, for example, was the last time I see Matt before I go to Florida for three weeks on Friday. We were having a great time, but then he'd mention stuff - he doesn't mean to do it, it's just that this stuff comes into his head cause it's what he's interested in - like all these complicated scientific theories cause his parents are doctors, and I'd be like 'what the fuck are you talking about'. I mentioned that I understood the entanglement theory behind physics and he already knew it and was just like when a kid comes home from school and tells you they've learnt their three times table and you go 'oh that's good' but you don't really care. But I was alright until we were walking back to the tram stop to go home, and he mentioned all this music stuff and I said I didn't understand, so he explained it again and I still didn't get it, and it just set it all off again.
What makes me feel like shit at the moment are two things. Firstly, that I struggle to socialise with people, and when I do, and then I see them again they don't let onto me, so I can't make any friends that are outside my school, so a lot of the time I have nobody to hang out with cause everyone I know is doing something. Secondly, I feel stupid. I can't do maths, I can't do science, I can't do music or any of the things people value. I don't understand stuff everyone else finds simple, I read loads but I never know anything new so I only have a few topics of conversation and I get out of my depth very quickly. I don't have any skills or qualities that would make people want to be around me and no real reason to be around. I have no value of any kind.
So this happened, and I said that I felt stupid and Matt just said 'Don't say that because you and me both know it's bullshit', but it's not. It's the truth. He gets kind of angry when I get like this now, but that's because all I ever do is moan and moan about stupid me and my problems. And then I just wanted to cry and curl up in a ball, and I hate it when this happens because everyone else manages fine and I have to be pathetic about it, so I was really angry at myself too. We were silent most of the way back home cause I could reply when Matt said things, but only with 'yes' and 'no', and I had nothing to say. Like, inside my mind everything was just blackness.
It used to be that I'd be like this and get better and feel fine, but now even when I'm happy I still think all this stuff, it's just sort of quietly in the background. I kept catching myself wondering how long I had left before I end up like this again.

That all looks so fucking melodramatic and moany. Sorry.